Monday, November 2, 2015

When the pity party knocks on the door of your heart

After twenty minutes of wrangling my screaming daughter at a restaurant, I declared defeat and asked for the check and two to go boxes. I was just trying to catch up with an old friend over chips and salsa, but it became evident, in a span of five minutes, that the catching up would have to wait for another day.

Strapping her into the car seat, I could no longer hold it in. Tears streaming. Heart pounding. Soul aching. I began to question so many things that us mothers question when stress is high and confidence low.

Why can I not control my own daughter?

Is my friend silently judging my abilities, or lack thereof, as a mom?

When will this settle down? When will the relief come?

I am not sure how many more meltdowns I can take. . . 

One question after another. I sat and wallowed and let the bitterness sneak inside my heart. The pity party knocked and I eagerly opened the door. And before I knew it, all the things of late came rushing to the forefront of my mind.

I am missing Chance so much. . . why me?

I am exhausted from Camille's sleep troubles. . . why me?

I am defeated from yet one more toddler tantrum. . . why me?

I am overwhelmed with Clara's needs and the reality of her situation. . . why me?

And I let myself stay in this place of self pity for the remainder of the week. I am not proud of this, but it was the reality of my choice. Satan showed up and reminded me of all the ways life feels hard and all the ways life appears easier for my friends, for everyone else. Satan showed up and offered me respite in the form of "You have every right to be bitter! You deserve to sit in this place a while!"

I took him up on it. I pulled up a chair and made myself comfortable.

For five days I was angry and annoyed and bitter and overwhelmed with the realities of the life God had blessed me with. And it effected every area of my life - physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. I was snappy with my my family and easily frustrated. Even little things felt like huge things.

I was not me. This was not me. Something had to change.

Then on Friday night as I laid in bed, still sulking, I clearly heard God telling me. . .

By accepting Satan's lies as a better, you are choosing to miss out on my best.

In that moment I knew I had a choice to make. Remaining in a place of self pity, while it might feel justified at times, will only harden my heart to the One who wants to renew my heart. So I declared the pity party over, and told Satan to pack his bags. And I signed a deep breath of relief that comes when we choose God's truth over Satan's schemes.

I have never welcomed a Saturday more than this one.

I still miss my son. . .

The tantrums still bring me to my knees. . .

Clara still has a mile long list of goals. . .

But God. . .

 . . .

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever. Psalm 136:1

Hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is mercy, and with Him is abundant redemption. Psalm 130:7


  1. Oh my gosh, this was SO me this weekend, and I totally hear where you are coming from! I had a very similar breakdown when we had just left the Fall event at SLBC, where the twins were disobedient and whiney, and I felt so defeated. When I tried to get Clara out of her car seat, she flung her bucket in the air and candy went everywhere, and I couldn't stop myself from crying. I had the same thoughts of, "Why can't I control my kids?" and "Why can everyone else control their kids and are they judging me for doing such a crappy job with mine?!"

    You are absolutely right that those are lies we're being told and I appreciate the reminder and encouragement not to listen to them or be discouraged by them!! And for what it's worth, I think you are doing an awesome job as a mommy... hang in there!

  2. It's interesting to read both this post and Amanda's comment on this post because I am either dense/unobservant or you guys are both good at putting on happy faces even when you aren't feeling it - I didn't realize either of you were having such hard weeks :( But I'm thankful you heard the voice of truth on Friday night, and thankful for a new week with a new perspective!

  3. I love how honest you are! Thank you for sharing your heart! You are an amazing mom!

  4. Ugh, this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing, friend.


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