Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Don't Worry, You Won't "Remind" Me of My Loss

Since losing our son seven months ago, friends and readers have come to me sharing that their friend or family member has also experienced such a loss, and with the burning desire of wanting to reach out, but not knowing exactly how to go about doing so without scraping an already open wound.

Questions and thoughts like the ones below are commonly presented to me . . .

How can I help?

What is the best thing for me to do without causing additional sadness?

I really want to check in but I don't want to make them cry, so I have just been giving them some space. 

I have been praying, but I'm hesitant to ask, because I am worried I will awaken their pain. 

And I understand this way of thinking. This used to be my approach. I used to think this same exact way before holding Chance in my arms, studying his face so intently because I knew the moments with him were few. I used to keep grieving mommas and wives and families at a distance because goodness I don't want to be the cause of any more grief. I surely do not want to be responsible for more heartache.

But dear friend of friend who just experienced a traumatic loss, let me be clear if I may, as one walking on the other side. Please don't hesitate to ask. Please don't hesitate when you feel the urge to call or text or seek out that loss mom or dad in person. Please don't hesitate to say their angel child's name out loud. Hearing their child's name is music to their ears. Beautiful heavily music. It is refreshing and reassuring knowing that while our children aren't living on this earth they are living on in the minds and hearts of those around us.

And while I understand that you are concerned your words might cause tears to swell, please don't worry. . .

You won't remind me of my loss. 

My loss is a part of my everyday, just as my living husband and children are a part of my everyday. Loss just becomes a puzzle piece of our new, everyday normal. There has not been one day thats passed since April 4, 2015, where my thoughts have not turned to my little guy. He is on my mind all the time. When I think of my girls, I think of my son.

You won't remind me of my loss. 

Because I never forget.

So while you might think twice about stopping that hurting mamma at the grocery store or seeking her out after Sunday school or sending her that Facebook message when she crosses your mind, let these words give you permission to stop and seek out. Your words won't bring more tears or more hurt or more grief.

I promise you they won't.

In fact your words bring just the opposite.

Your words bring hope. 

Your words bring life.

Your words bring peace. 

Your words bring joy, even if accompanied by a few tears.

Because we never forget. 


  1. Thank you so much for sharing. :)

  2. Great advice, and thank you for sharing!

  3. Thanks for the reminder and encouragement to always reach out to friends in need, even if we are insecure about how to do it!


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