Friday, December 30, 2011

Gender reveal. . . part two

After gender reveal part one we headed to Brandon's parents house to do a reveal with them as well. His grandma (Jack's mom) was in town so we wanted to include her in the suprise. We wrapped three separate gifts for his grandma, mom and dad to open. All three gifts were enclosed in pink and blue tissue paper. The first two gifts were gender neutral baby items. The last gift (that his mom opened) revealed the gender. We had a lot of fun sharing the news and special time with each side of the family. Enjoy a few more pictures. 


Habakkuk 3:18 
"Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior."

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Gender reveal . . . part one

The day of our 20 week anatomy scan we were also scheduled to have our annual family picture taken (w/ my side). Our ultrasound was at 8:30am and the picture wasn't set until 10am. We had plenty of time to kill between events so we thought we would get a head start on our gender reveal that was taking place later that evening, at my parents house. We had seen the idea to fill a gender neutral pinata with colored candy (pink/purple = girl & blue/green = boy) so when busted the gender of the baby is revealed. We thought my 9 year old niece and 7 and 4 year old nephews would love this activity, so that is what we did. We bought a pinata and filled it with lots of pink/purple candy and pink beads - b/c what little girl wouldn't want pink beads? When we arrived at the family picture the family was shocked that we already knew the results but were making them wait until that evening to bust the pinata. Our photographer then had a brilliant idea.... why not do it now and she can capture the whole thing in pictures? Perfect idea! Thank you, Tiffany! You did an awesome job capturing this fun memory! 









Gender reveal part two with the Blackburn side of the family coming soon. Have a great day! 

Habakkuk 3:18 
"Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior."

PS - Those of you who guessed the name Clara (in the last post) are correct! Loved some of your other guesses too. Clara Anne Blackburn.... coming May 2012 :) 

Monday, December 26, 2011

20-21 week pregnancy update... cantaloupe baby

Well I cannot believe another four weeks have passed since my last update. Time seems to be flying by these days. I had my monthly OB appointment this past Tuesday on 12/20 and the Dr guessed that, due to my measurements, I am a week ahead of schedule. We had our full anatomy scan on Friday 12/23 and the technician and Dr agreed that yes in fact this baby is a tad ahead of schedule. This means I am actually 21 weeks and my new due date is May 4, 2012. 
Hey if this is one week closer to meeting our sweet 
BABY GIRL 
then that is just fine by me. 
Our gut feeling was right... baby Blackburn is 100% girl. 
So excited!! Looks like some of you were right, too. 

Week 20 (and 21)

Size & development of baby
your baby's the size of a cantaloupe!
Baby weighs about 10.2 ounces and measures about 6.5 inches. She's still got a lot of growing to do though. Can you believe you're halfway done?

Making it to 20 weeks probably feels pretty darn good...Of course, it wouldn’t be pregnancy if you weren’t experiencing some annoying symptoms. Right now, it’s likely swelling, heartburn and leg cramps, but all of that probably feels insignificant now that you’ve got ultrasound photos of your rapidly developing baby. How cute is that nose? If you found out baby’s sex, you’re in a completely new mindset, are we right? Now, those baby names you’re throwing out are more likely to end up as baby’s, and when you find yourself in a baby store, those little blue or pink outfits aren’t just adorable, they’re must-haves. And since now you can add clothes and other boyish or girlish things to your wish list, week 20 is the time you probably want to start putting together your baby registry too. Happy shopping! 
(SOURCE)

How I am feeling and how I am changing:
Overall, I feel great! The main things (besides my growing belly) that I notice is that I itch all the time. Like really all the time - especially on my back and sides. I also have these red-purple patchy areas around my ankles where my skin is changing colors. It doesn't hurt at all, just looks really strange. Good thing it's "winter" in Houston so I still have a few days before the shorts bust back out. :) My face is breaking out but honestly, this has been a problem for the last 15 years, so I really can't associate it with being pregnant. Yay for being 29 and still dealing with adolescent acne. 

Belly continues to grow by the day. Proof in the picture below (although this pic does not do the real thing justice in my opinion!)
20/21 week belly shot
What I am eating and What I am thinking:
Still no major food cravings or aversions per say, just foods that sound slightly better than others. I am still enjoying tortilla chips and salsa, red meat (maybe my body giving me a sign that I need more iron?), chickfila nuggets (try to limit these!) and cold cereal. The only thing that just sounds gross, but not a full out aversion, is seafood (although shrimp sounds ok here and there). No major changes in the food department!

Now that we know we are expecting a girl, we are thinking of names, nursery ideas, etc. We are 95% sure we have a name selected. We really like old fashioned names. Any guesses? Here is your clue - It starts with a "C." Immediate family... don't spill the beans!!

Another thought running through my mind is "Where in the world are we going to put all the stuff we need for a baby?" Which leads to a mini panic attack and trying to reorganize the entire house. Brandon loves this about me (sarcasm). He knows when I am stressing about something.... he comes home and finds me reorganizing and cleaning out a drawer/closet etc that has been previously reorganized 500 times. What did he give me for Christmas? The gift of organization. For real. He has been working on our garage and also trying to address the closet situation in the room that will be the nursery. Best. Gift. Ever. 
(And just so you guys don't give him a hard time... we agreed that we were not giving each other physical gifts this year since we have lots of expenses coming in the New Year.) 
Another thought ..."How in the world do we figure out this whole baby registry thing?" I guess this thought will be tackled in the next few months.


A few pictures from our 20 week anatomy scan:   

Close up of her left arm/hand
Close up of her leg and foot
Profile shot... love the little nose


Our little girl currently weighs 13 ounces and the ultrasound tech and Dr both agreed she looked perfect so far and they saw no concerns via the ultrasound scan. Praise God!! 

Your turn:
Anyone want to take a stab at our little girls name?
If you have been blessed with a pregnancy, did you have any weird food cravings/aversions?
Any tips for this mom and dad to be?

PSALM 139:14
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, 
I know that full well.


PSALM 13:6
"I will sing the LORD’s praise, for he has been good to me."


Previous pregnancy updates:

Monday, December 19, 2011

Dear. Body, Letter & The Love Yourself Challenge




If you were to write a letter to your body, what would you say? Maybe something like this...



I stumbled across this blog and became very interested in the message and mission of the site. I have not read through every single post but it appears to be on board with my new outlook and personal goal of bringing ED and body image awareness to the public eye. 

The blog is currently encouraging people of all ages to participate in a 6 week love yourself challenge. A description, taken directly from the site, states the following:

The Love Yourself Challenge is a positive space that respects, accepts and loves everyone where they are for who they are. This is a space that embraces every body and encourages individuals to have self-love, self-respect and self-acceptance. We are a team of young people who are determined to spread the message of self-love like wildfire and revolutionize the way our generation sees ourselves and each other. This self-love revolution starts with you and I and then it is bound to spread like wildfire igniting hope, love, respect and acceptance for all. So please always remember that you are amazing because of who you are in this very moment, not because of what you could be. Everything that you will never be is nothing close to everything that you already are. You are not the size of your jeans or the number on the scale. Your worth can never be contained by a simple lifeless number. Your body is not a battleground and you have every right to feel respected, accepted and loved in your own skin. 
Keep fighting the good fight,
Rae Smith & The Team!

How amazing is that? A group of YOUNG people dedicated to spreading positive body image messages with the rest of the world. I am very impressed, to say the least. 

So I have decided to participate in the challenge. It's only 6 weeks and takes a short amount of time each day/week, yet I have a feeling it will make a big impact. Even though I am a few years into recovery I am a firm believer that revisiting these topics regularly is what will keep me on the right path, forever. 

You might have never struggled with an ED, but could you use a little more self love in your life? Do you want to start 2012 with a fresh outlook and put self criticism to rest once and for all? Want to wake up and start loving your body instead of ripping it apart, one negative comment at a time? Then I encourage you to participate with me. Take the challenege. What do you have to loose? I guarantee you will be no worse off after 6 weeks and you will probably learn something in the process. 

Details of the challenge are described here. 

All you need:
6 weeks
Someone you trust (spouse, family member, friend)
A journal and a pen (I know... I am not the journal type, and if this is you, let's just get over it together)
An open mind, honesty and determination
Perseverance when things get challenging

I will be completing the challenge for the first 6 weeks of 2012, beginning on Sunday January 1st and then will be blogging about my experience and sharing my Dear. Body, letter (will be writing during week 5) with you all.  

So... Who's in? 
If you choose to participate, and have a website, please blog about your experience and link up so we can all read and celebrate with one another. 
Heres to kicking off a happy and healthy 2012!



Monday, December 12, 2011

ED 101 (a free educational tool provided by NORMAL nonprofit)

I ran across this You Tube video (that I originally found from this site) and just had to share. It is 35 minutes long but so worth watching if you have some extra time. Many aspects of this video resonate with me and my past struggles (and now deeper understanding) of anorexia. I love the mission and goal of the NORMAL nonprofit and think their idea of bringing ED awareness to young people, through the arts, is genius. Eating Disorders are rampant and will not go away by simply ignoring the issues or the people struggling. We must educate ourselves. We must talk about realities. Watch, listen, learn and please share your thoughts, feelings and/or reactions in the comments. 




"ED101 provides hope—from those who have recovered and from those who have treated [eating disorders].
.. This film counters the shame and captures the courageous spirit of those who refuse to be bound by it.
 



Eating Disorders 101 (ED 101), sponsored by Timberline Knolls, is a free educational tool provided by the NORMAL nonprofit which educates about eating disorders, self-esteem and body image through arts and mindfulness programs. ED 101 is the result of more than five years of work and is possible due to ongoing support from Joanne and Daniel C. Smith, the Pink House Foundation, Hilda & Preston Davis Foundation, NIS First 100 Club, Innovative Women's Producer's Network and patrons. We are grateful to be collaborating with more than 15 national nonprofit organizations to distribute this DVD to schools worldwide.

The NORMAL nonprofit strongly recommends that this film be accompanied by our Myth Busters hand out as well as a discussion panel of experts. For our free 90-page curriculum, details on handouts and free guidelines on how to create an effective discussion panel, please visit www.normal-life.org/ED_101.php


Reactions to the clip?
Did anything surprise you?
Do you think a musical that is based on Eating Disorders is a good/bad idea?






Monday, November 28, 2011

16 week pregnancy update ... Avocado baby

So I officially hit 16 weeks of pregnancy on Thanksgiving day! Which in my opinion, is totally a reason for a second (or maybe third) helping of stuffing, right? Right. In my last pregnancy post  I mentioned that I would be blogging a pregnancy update every 4 weeks. Now all of you might be questioning my math skills since my last post was week 14. I really do know how to add but here is the deal. I started taking belly pics at week 8, then week 12 hoping to blog this week & continue the every 4 week pattern but didn't get around to actually posting until week 14. See? So 12 weeks + 4 weeks = 16 weeks = why I am blogging now. If you still care to read after that long and probably unnecessary explanation well here you go. Enjoy! 

Week 16

Size and development of baby:
In just two weeks the baby has jumped from the size of a lemon to an avocado. So crazy. It really is amazing to think there is a living human the size of an avocado inside my belly. We did not do an ultrasound at my last dr. appointment although we did get to hear the heartbeat on the doppler. It was awesome... loud and strong! Our next ultrasound will be on December 20th where we will see the baby again and if it's not being modest, hopefully learn if baby is a he or a she! Can't wait. 

Stay on the lookout for some fluttering sensations in your abdomen. It might not be right at 16 weeks, but pretty soon you’ll start feeling baby moving around in there. At first those moves might feel like gas or a muscle twitch, but over time, as baby gets bigger and stronger, they’ll be unmistakable. Of course, feeling those movements comes with other issues, like having your lungs crowded by your growing babe. That could make it seem tough to catch your breath from time to time. Don’t worry: There are some positive symptoms you might be having at week 16. For example, some moms-to-be find their hair and nails grow faster. (Your hair might actually look thicker and more lustrous and your skin might look radiant, too. Woo hoo!) Another cool fact? Baby’s starting to be able to hear your voice -- and she’ll recognize it at birth -- so feel free to chat her up. She's listening to your voice, thanks to tiny bones forming in her ears.She's growing hair, lashes and eyebrows. And she's forming taste buds.


How I am feeling and How I am changing:
I have continued to feel awesome so far. Now that I am in the second trimester I am thinking that my chance of getting major sickness has passed although I do hear that it starts later for some people. We will see but so far so good. My digestive issues are acting up (if you know what I mean... if not well sorry) but I hear that is really common during pregnancy so I am not too concerned.  I am still loosing a lot of hair (especially after I wash it) but my nails are growing faster and stronger so not sure what that is about. My back and sides itch ALL the time too. In the last few weeks my stomach has definitely popped out which I am loving. I think I am at the point where a stranger can assume I am pregnant and not just chubby. If I am kidding myself and I just look chubby... well.... just humor me and don't say anything.
16 week belly shot
Please pardon the home project in the background

What I am eating and What I am feeling:
My appetite is in full force. When the dr. asked last week "How is your diet? Do you feel like you are eating appropriately?" I didn't even have time to respond before Brandon chimed in with "Um yeah she's definitely eating a lot more." Thanks babe. Regardless, the dr. is pleased with the rate of weight gain and the fact that I am gaining easily (he is aware of my ED past and therefore is closely monitoring my weight changes and diet). I think this is SO important for a woman with a history of an ED. But that is a whole different post for a different day so I won't go there now. You're welcome. 

Foods that sound delicious: 
cold cereal, pancakes, hummus, red meat, mexican food, spaghetti w/ a side of crusty bread dipped in olive oil (yes i realize that was really specific), chick-fil-a chicken nuggets, fruit, tortilla chips w/ salsa, cashews, trail mix and dark chocolate 

Foods that do not sound delicious:
coffee and seafood 

I am getting super excited to find out the sex of the baby!! Brandon and I have been tossing around names but nothing that is 100% set in stone. I think I will get motivated to really start planning and making decisions once the sex is determined. I have a gut feeling it's a girl, for no real reason whatsoever, just a gut feeling.  
I have been thinking a lot about the type of parent I will be and the type of parenting style that we, as a couple, will deem best for our family. I know this will come with hands on learning but lately my brain has been pondering "Will I be a super laid back parent?" Or "Will I be more rigid in my daily routine and schedule?" Neither option is bad or better than the other, and I have friends that are on either side of the parenting spectrum, just different choices that comes with different positives and negatives I suppose.

That's all for week 16. 
So what is your guess?
Pink or Blue?   

PSALM 139:14
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, 
I know that full well."

Monday, November 21, 2011

Thankful 2011

I simply cannot believe that Thanksgiving is a few days away. This year has flown by, hasn't it? As I sit here my mind is flooded with blessings, big and small, that I am thankful for this year. 
Here are just a few. 

My husband


My family



Memories of loved ones



Blessings of new life


Good friends

God's promises (source)


Good food & the ability to eat it free of fear - Coffee cake in a cup... yes please! (original source found via this blog)


Adoption


Wonderful In Laws 


Vacations


Service opportunities


Nature


What are you most thankful for this holiday?

Friday, November 18, 2011

A break in regular posting for some A to Z fun...

HI friends, Well today is the day I turn 29 years old. I am well aware that I look 18 and still get asked on a more than regular basis what high school I attend. Sad but very true. Now I am sure this will work in my favor when I am say 70 although at the moment I would prefer to look my age. I do have quite a few gray hairs although this doesn't keep people from gasping in disbelief when they discover that I have in fact graduated from college, graduate school, and have been married and working for nearly five years. 

Anyways, my blog buddy Amanda (who I randomly met in person last Sunday outside of Freebirds. How totally cool is that??? Amanda, we need to do lunch for real sometime ok?) posted an A to Z questionnaire a while back and I thought it would be fun to complete it here on the blog. So here it goes. Some random A to Z facts. Enjoy (and try to contain your excitement)! 


A. Age: 29


B. Bed size: Queen - A King would be super cool (although it would leave us with no walking space in our bedroom)


C. Chore that you hate: Dusting, folding laundry and scrubbing the bathtubs (oops that was a singular, not plural, question)


D. Dogs: None. Brandon and I had a "pet talk" prior to marriage. We are not pet people and had to make sure we were both on the same page regarding animals, after marriage. Now don't get me wrong... I will love on your dogs (or whatever pet) all day long but I just don't want to take it home with me at the end of the day. Somehow despite this agreement we have ended up with goldfish and a hermit crab (thanks to my sweet sister who thought both would be awesome b-day presents). If she gets me a pet this year she will be getting it back for Christmas . . . end of discussion. 


E. Essential start to your day: Eating breakfast. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day and I don't know how some people (Brandon) can go until lunch without eating a single thing. Before I go to bed I think about what I will make for breakfast the next morning. Oatmeal, cold cereal, yogurt parfait, english muffin with peanut butter, an omelet... the possibilities are endless. Is this weird? 


F. Favorite color: Black, brown, turquoise 


G. Gold or Silver: Silver all the way 


H. Height: 5'2


I. Instruments you play: If you asked me this question in 5th grade I could answer piano. Now I do not have an answer. 


J. Job title: Nanny, babysitter, full time care taker and/or retired social worker 


K. Kids: One in the oven to debut May 2012 

L. Live: The great land of Sugar in the great state of Texas 

M. Mother’s name: Cynthia (bio mom) and Sheila (adopted mom) 

N. Nicknames: Britt, Brittanica, B-Dub (given to me in college by this girls husband  - I think it was a slang version of my initials pre marriage, BW) 

O. Overnight hospital stays: None - I have lucked out on this one! 

P. Pet peeves: Paper piles, drivers that honk unnecessarily, and people who leave you a message and then email you asking if you received their message and continue to type/repeat everything via email that they said via phone. 

Q. Quote from a movie: "First we'll make snow angels for two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we'll snuggle." - Buddy the Elf 

R. Right or left handed: Right

S. Siblings: 2 sisters, 1 brother 

U. Underwear: I am not sure what this is asking so I will now skip to letter V 

V. Vegetable you hate: Avocado - or is this a fruit? I am not sure but either way the texture is awful and makes me gag. 

W. What makes you run late: Deciding to clean up and organize the house as we are walking out the door  

X. X-Rays you’ve had: teeth x-ray @ the dentist, an MRI to check my tailbone, and another MRI to check my pituitary gland/brain 

Y. Yummy food that you make: homemade blueberry muffins - you too can make them by clicking on this recipe 

Z. Zoo animal: baby monkeys 

That's all for now. Who wants to join in on the A to Z fun? You know you want to! In a few minutes I will be hanging out with my 4 and (almost) 2 year old friends. We plan to eat chocolate donut holes, watch the Berenstain Bears, read library books and play super heros. This evening Brandon and I are going here for a nice dinner and night away from home! 
Sounds like a great day to me.

p.s. - If you didn't click on Amanda's blog in the 2nd paragraph of this post you now have another chance. She is offering a sweet giveaway that you don't want to miss. Bye friends! 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

14 week pregnancy update ... Lemon baby

A few people have been asking for more pregnancy specific info so I thought I would give a brief update every four weeks or so to let you know how things are going. It will also be a great way for me to actually remember the pregnancy and be able to look back, read through posts and reminisce. 

So here we go...

WEEK 14 

Size & development of baby:
Our baby is the size of a lemon this week! It is growing leaps and bounds at each ultrasound. It is so cool to see him/her progressing in such vast ways while still being so small overall. At out last ultrasound (11/8/11) we were able to see the baby from all angles. It was moving around quite a bit and was flipping from side to side. We go back in two weeks and I am eager to see how much he/she has grown! 
Your adorable little fetus is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, and (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over the body for warmth. 
(Lemon picture and paragraph above from this website.)

How I am feeling & how I am changing... 
I feel wonderful so far! I have been blessed with no nausea or morning sickness whatsoever. Praise God! I have only had one day where my stomach felt a little "off," (during week 13) but it was NOT bad at all.  During the early weeks I would wake up each day wondering if "today was the day" that I would get sick. Ha! At one point I was even wondering if everything was OK since I felt 100% normal. I am convinced that my continued acupuncture treatments has helped offset typical first trimester symptoms. Since we all know I am a fan of acupuncture I will just leave it at that and not continue writing an entire paragraph (you can thank me later).  I was extremely tired during the early weeks but that has passed and I now have much more energy. I am thirsty 24/7 so it is not uncommon to see me chugging water all day long. I have also noticed that I am shedding hair more rapidly than normal which is due most likely to the crazy hormone surges going on inside my body! My sleeping habits are up and down but 1 - this is typical for me in general and 2 - I have heard that is fairly normal during pregnancy. 

I definitely started to notice a baby bump at the end of week 12. Of course it was and still is the awkward phase where I don't look pregnant, but have just a little pudginess in the tummy area. Basically looks like I ate too much. My shorts and pants are starting to get snug (totally have the tummy hangover when I zip my shorts!) and I am not sure how much longer before I convert to maternity bottoms.  
8 week belly shot

12 week belly shot 

What I am eating & what I am thinking:
My eating habits have not changed too much since I have felt good. I am basically just listening to my body and eating more on days when I know I need it. I have not had any intense food cravings although It is funny because I am choosing certain foods over those that I would typically choose. For example, these days I will go for red meat over chicken or fish whereas pre pregnancy I was not a huge red meat eater. Now I am always eyeing the steak meat or ground beef options on any menu!  I have been preferring cold cereal in the mornings vs. my typical hot oatmeal breakfast. Oh and coffee sounds pretty awful (only drinking decaf when I do have some but I usually can't even drink one cup before tossing it). The only other odd food tidbit is that I have been snacking on trail mix w/ raisins, goldfish and/or the sweet & salty honey nut flavored chex mix each afternoon. I am fully aware that this choice is giving me zero nutrients and that it resembles that of a 3rd graders lunch box but oh well!  This combo just always sounds so delicious when I am reaching for an afternoon snack.  

Brandon and I have decided we want to find out the sex of the baby. We are hoping to find out at our ultrasound sometime in December. We have been tossing around names and nursery ideas but honestly just decided to wait until we know boy or girl in order to eliminate half of the "debate." Ha! Not sure if we will do some type of fun reveal or not - still thinking on this one. 
I have been doing some reading at night in hopes to gain a little insight to this whole raising an infant thing but I am sure a lot of parenting is just trial and error and learn as you go.  I have not been thinking too much about the actual childbirth part for many reasons. 1 - we still have 26 weeks to go and 2 - it really (I mean really) freaks me out. I will be getting an epidural (or two, or three - lol) end of discussion. I appreciate all of my friends and family who have gone al natural but that is not my thing. I love you little baby but I do not want to feel you coming out of my body. 
Bring on the pain meds thank you very much.  

I think that is all for now. I will post another update during week 16. Thanks again for all of your support and prayers during this time! We feel so blessed to have such an amazing family and group of friends. 

PSALM 139:14
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, 
I know that full well."


Saturday, November 5, 2011

Guilt . . . Are you still holding on?


Guilt...
It is a nasty five letter word. It is one of those emotions that can start off small yet over time, if not extinguished, has the ability to grow, fester and take over your life.  


Webster's dictionary defines guilt  as:


1
: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly :guilty conduct
2
a : the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciouslyb : feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : self-reproach
3
: a feeling of culpability for offenses
There are an unlimited number of reasons that one might feel a sense of guilt. 
I am sure you have been there. You spoke a harsh word in the heat of the moment. You hesitated when you felt God nudging you to speak His word bodly. You didn't make time for that one "hard to love" friend or family member only to realize your time with them was cut short. You feel guilty about past decisions - a relationship gone haywire, a little white lie that didn't seem so bad at the time or a situation you manipulated to get your way. The list goes on and on and on really. If you stop and think about it you probably have several reasons to feel guilty. 
I don't say this to bring on MORE guilt but just as a way to realize how overwhelming the emotion can be if we welcome it in and let it take refuge in our hearts. 
When I first learned that I would be facing the road of infertility, and that this was most likely due to MY CHOICE to starve and not nourish my body, guilt rolled in STRONG. Most couples who are facing infertility are not there by choice. Yet I had messed with my body in such a way where I had altered it functioning thus impairing it's ability to conceive naturally. Ouch. 
I had days and nights where I would just cry and cry apologizing to Brandon for the choices I had made and how it now was now affecting HIS future. (Side note: At 89 pounds I wasn't really stopping to think how my selfishness, and desire to wear a 00, could potentially harm my husband). It was ALL my fault and I just knew that God was finally punishing me for my actions. I would sit in the fertility clinic thinking "no one but myself put us here." I had asked God for forgiveness (when I started down my journey of recovery) but for some reason I didn't believe He had heard me or had washed away my sinI felt I owed it to Him to keep asking and asking and apologizing and apologizing and begging and begging for forgivenss. I let guilt take over. I let it in and I let it stay.
I will never forget what Brandon said to me one day amidst my tears and sobs of apologies. 
"Britt, we are a team. We have been a team from day one and we will walk this road together. You have NO reason to feel guilty about what WAS. You are a new person and are living a NEW life. You are not making the same choices and you are living healthfully. God heard you and is no longer holding your past mistakes over you head. LET IT GO. I have. God has and He is waiting for you to do the same. If you don't let it go it will be impossible to face the road ahead."
Wow. 
He was exactly right. (Why are husbands always so smart?) What Brandon said is SO true and hit me like a ton of bricks. If my Father is no longer thinking about my past and holding on to my sin, why in the world am I? Why am I not allowing myself to find joy in His forgiveness and loving embrace? 
In fact He tells us that  ...
"If you are serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes on the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ - that's where the action is. See things from His perspective. Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life - even though invisible to spectators - is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up too - the real you, the glorious you..." 
The Message, Colossians 3:1-3
This fresh perspective allowed me to leave all my ED and infertility related guilt at HIS throne. Forever.
Do you struggle with guilt? 
Are you holding on to something from your past? 
It is time to let it go.  
© A Joy Renewed. Made with love by The Dutch Lady Designs.