Dear Chance . . . Five Years in Heaven

Dear Chance, 

How has it been five years since I last saw your little face? I cannot believe how fast time seems to be passing us by. April 4, 2020 . . . you are celebrating five years in heaven. 

We think of you all the time, baby boy. Camille asks about you often and frequently sets an extra chair for you at dinner. She spontaneously told your entire story to a Chick-fil-a employee a few months back, which was so precious. You’ve put the hope of heaven in the heart of your sisters, too, and it’s life giving to see how that plays out over time.

Five years closer to seeing your sweet face again.

“We’ve been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God wets our appetite by giving us a taste of what’s ahead. He puts a little heaven in our hearts so that we’ll never settle for less. That’s why we live with such good cheer. You won’t see us dropping our heads or dragging our feet! Cramped conditions here don’t get us down. They only remind us of the spacious living conditions ahead. It’s what we trust in but don’t yet see that keeps us going. “ 2 Corinthians 5:5-8 MSG. 

Your tree in our backyard, gifted to us at your graveside service, bloomed FULLY these last few weeks, just as it does each year in March. I love that each year we have this symbolism of the cycle of beautiful life that comes from tragic death. 

Camille had 457 questions while looking through your memory book. One day I will have to explain that no, not all of the girls in our family were in the room watching the Doctor cut my tummy open and pull the baby out. :)

We celebrated with ice cream sundaes, courtesy of some super sweet friends who always think of us on your special day. 

Camille took this picture and was giggling the entire time. It reminded me of the truth . . .
Weeping lasts for a time but joy comes in the morning. 

Modern-Day Joshua Stones

I have a love-hate relationship with social media. On one hand, Instagram and Facebook can be time-suckers, relationship-killers, and potential breeding grounds for comparison and judgement. My mind and heart need limits and boundaries and down-time from screens and technology. But, one thing I do appreciate about social media is how it can serve as an online scrapbook of sorts. Posting on blogs, Facebook, or Instagram is a much easier way to document our days, our Big Moments, rather than ways of the past such as Creative Memories. Typing those two words, Creative Memories, makes me a little nauseous. Jesus, take the wheel. I can write words on the internet all day long, but please don’t ask me to cut zig-zag corners and strategically place stickers all around one big gigantic picture of my two-year-old licking her ice cream cone. The very thought of this task makes me want to cry a million tears (and would also take me 542 years to complete, so the odds are not in my favor.).  

I digress. 

Some of you know we have been praying, for years, for Clara, our oldest daughter with a rare genetic syndrome, to talk, and for her communication to develop and understanding to increase. Specifically, we have prayed for God to open Clara’s mouth and allow her to speak with words. He has answered this specific prayer twice, when Clara vocalized the words, “Hi,” and “No,” when prompted by her teacher at school. 

Well, a few weeks ago, God answered this prayer again. No, not by opening her mouth in our presence. But, through the form of increased awareness played out with the push of a few powerful buttons on her AAC device (Augmentative and alternative communication). So, we are marking the moment, friends, writing it down intentionally for the internet to read, as a permeant memorial so to speak.  Our very own modern-day Joshua stone. 

In Joshua 4:1-8 God commands the Israelites to cross the Jordan River (which He has stopped miraculously). To commemorate their crossing, God instructs Joshua to mark the moment by choosing 12 stones from the middle of the dried-up river. The Message translation of this portion of scripture describes the scene . . . 

4 ^1-3 When the whole nation was finally across, God spoke to Joshua: “Select twelve men from the people, a man from each tribe, and tell them, ‘From right here, the middle of the Jordan where the feet of the priests are standing firm, take twelve stones. Carry them across with you and set them down in the place where you camp tonight.’” ^4-7 Joshua called out the twelve men whom he selected from the People of Israel, one man from each tribe. Joshua directed them, “Cross to the middle of the Jordan and take your place in front of the Chest of God, your God. Each of you heft a stone to your shoulder, a stone for each of the tribes of the People of Israel, so you’ll have something later to mark the occasion. When your children ask you, ‘What are these stones to you?’ you’ll say, ‘The flow of the Jordan was stopped in front of the Chest of the Covenant of God as it crossed the Jordan—stopped in its tracks. These stones are a permanent memorial for the People of Israel.’”

An intentional, permanent memorial.

Back to Clara . . . 

I drove down highway 59 a few weeks ago and noticed she was acting a bit off for her usual drive-to-school self.  Her face pale, a little zoned out and well, just not typical Clara.  No fever (Why yes, I did put the car in park once securely stopped at a stoplight and reached waaaaaaay in the backseat to feel her head. I do not recommend this.). Going against that mama-gut feeling I dropped her off anyway, told her aide she seemed a little tired, and saw her out of the car. 

At 1:00pm I receive a call from Clara’s lead therapist. . . 

“Hi Brittnie. We wanted to let you know Clara isn’t herself today. She looks pale and has zoned out multiple times. She is just not acting normal. She was even spitting out her food at lunch and wouldn’t even touch her fruit.”

(Clara not scarfing down fruit is a red flag. We basically have to take out a loan to fund the strawberry and blackberry bill.)

Minus the food spitting, all the very things I noticed on the drive to school were now confirmed by her teacher. 

“I also wanted to let you know that when we gave her the iPad and asked, “What do you want?”, she pushed “I feel sad. I’m upset. I feel sick. I want to go home.” 

I’m sorry. I just fainted. What was that you said? She pushed all of those buttons, to express HER FEELINGS IN CONTEXT??? As in, on her own, on a day that you and I BOTH NOTICED PHYSICAL SIGNS OF ILLNESS? THIS HAS NEVER ONCE HAPPENED. NOT ONCE. 

“I feel like we need to positively reinforce her for vocalizing her feelings and needs. Would you like to come get her?”

Do I want to come get her? I. Am. On. My. Way. 

Friends, we pray and pray and pray some more for the things our hearts deeply desire. Sometimes God answers with a yes, a no, or a not yet. And sometimes, He answers yes with a twist. Sometimes, He answers yes in a way that forces us to intentionally look outside the box of ideal answers and praise Him for the sideways course His answer took. 

I don’t want to miss the twist, friends. I want my eyes and heart open to the ways He is working day in and day out, even if His works differ from my initial prayer lifted. 

And when He answers, regardless of the how, I want to intentionally mark it down. I want to intentionally set up stones of remembrance to say, “Look at what God did here!” I want to leave a trail of modern-day Joshua stones. I want to leave behind a stone-filled legacy so that my children and their children will always know that our God is good, and He is always moving on our behalf, and that sometimes His answers don’t come in the form of a straight line.  

Just please don’t ask me to do so via a larger than life scrapbook. 

. . . 

How do you remember God’s kindness? How do you document His answers for the generation behind you? What step of intentionality can you take today to tune-in to his “yesses with a twist?” 

. . . 

(This article was first written & published for my work with the CEO Forum Women's Ministry Monthly Newsletter.)

Believing In The Miracle . . . Again

On September 27, 2018, Clara said her first word. 

I wasn't present. Brandon wasn't present. Only a teacher. I admitted this on social media, but because my daughter has never come close to uttering a "mama," or "dada," I was skeptical. Yet, I finally decided to believe in the miracle, regardless of the odds, and continue to pray with full-confidence that it would happen again.

So much joy.

Nearly severn months later, on April 17, 2019, it happened again.

Clara said her second word!

Clara. Said. Her. Second. Word.

Was I present? No. Was Brandon present? No. Was any other family member present? No. Only two teachers who swear that it happened. Once again I am at the crossroads. I am faced with the choice to either believe, despite my eyes not seeing and my ears not hearing, or doubt.

I believe!

Love this girl and her morning wake-up hair!

On Wednesday, April 17, Clara's class took a field trip to a local park. This is the perfect idea for a field trip for children with different abilities, as it is not an overwhelming environment and all the children can practice whatever social and motor skills need attention.

I was attending the field trip and arrived 15 minutes early. I sat there, listening to my audiobook, waiting and watching for the school vans. I saw the van pull up, but decided to give them a few minutes to unload before I joined. #MISTAKE

Once I saw Clara get out of the van, I began walking across the parking lot. As I got closer I saw another classmate excitedly hugging Clara and NOT letting go. He had the biggest smile and was cheering for her. I walked up just as the aide was prying the child's arms away from Clara's middle.

"She just said no," Christine, an aide, told me.

I didn't even flinch because her comment didn't register in my brain.

"She just said no," Christine said again.

"Yeah, Clara just got really mad and yelled NOOOOOO!," Aaron, her lead therapist, told me.

I about dropped to the floor.

"CLARA?!" I asked.

"Yes," they both replied.

Repeat the same question and answer 354x.

So much love for this girl. I'm the lucky one!!

They explained that after getting out of the van, Clara was wanting Aaron to hold her hand (omgosh she adores Aaron), but Christine took her hand instead (because she was the aide assigned to Clara during the field trip). Clara kept fussing while trying to get to Aaron, while Christine blocked and tried to redirect. Clara got ticked and when Christine tried to redirect again, Clara yelled out, "NOOOOOOOO!" 

Both Aaron and Christine said she yelled it, in a squeaky little voice, as clear as day. 

Guys. I about died. 

I was there and walked up 20 seconds too late!!! I almost heard my daughter's second word.

Picture taken a few minutes after the miracle. :)

But, I'm refusing to beat myself up over this and once again, BELIEVE that it happened. I will continue to pray, in bold faith, just I have been, that it will happen again. And again. And again. One word at a time.

Guys, we never know when our miracle, our breakthrough, will happen. Things might look dim from our humanly eyes, but regardless, this is such a reminder to keep taking our desires to the Lord. We have prayed, continually for years, that Clara would speak with her mouth. In no way did I expect God to answer this prayer this past Wednesday. Don't give up, friends! Your miracle could be right around the corner and you don't even know it.

Thank you for believing in the miracle, too, rejoicing in answered prayer, and petitioning the Father on our behalf that Clara will speak! 

Two words down, Clara girl.

Many more to come!

Fresh haircut! 

Clara's first word - September 27, 2018 - "Hi"

Clara's second word - April 17, 2019 - "NOOOO!" :)

Clara's third word - Stay tuned!

Dear Chance . . . Four Years in Heaven

Dear Chance, 

Four years ago today you were born into heaven. 

How has it been F-O-U-R years? 

While you aren't with us, we think of you all the time and have plenty of conversations about our "baby brother" who lives with Jesus. We are so grateful you are part of our legacy. 

We visited your grave a few weeks ago, and we hope to go visit again this weekend for our annual family picture. 

Your tree, that was gifted to us by friends on the day of your memorial service, is in full bloom. It's our absolute favorite. As you can see, your sister, Camille, added a pink birdhouse to sit alongside the original blue one because, "I need a birdhouse next to my brother's." 

We started celebrating last night, a day early, since today is packed with your sister's activities (speech and occupational therapy for Clara and a preschool program for Camille). Your daddy picked up balloons and treats on the way home last night for all of us to enjoy! While we usually bake cupcakes and top them with blue icing, Camille was convinced that this year you would want the soft, sugar cookies from the bakery section because "Every little kid LOVES those cookies." They didn't have blue iced, but with two sisters, we figured pink would work just fine. :)

Clara clearly enjoying the mini chocolate cakes . . . every time I turned around she was snatching one!

Also, do you see that Clara has light-up TOYS in both hands??
Yep, she pooped on the potty right before our celebration.
Maybe we need to celebrate you big every single day! :)

We woke up this morning to lots of messages from family and friends, and balloons that SPELLED YOUR NAME, complete with a boy-themed birthday gift on the porch from sweet friends. Another friend dropped off a bouquet of beautiful flowers. You are not forgotten and we are so thankful! 

I have been fielding questions from your sister, Camille, on the regular. Such as... What does my brother look like in heaven? Can he see us? Can he see his balloons? Do you think his favorite colors are blue and green? What does my brother do all day in heaven? When I get to heaven will I know how to find baby Chance? Will Jesus help me find my brother? Do you think his favorite animal is an elephant? I think so because all little boys like elephants. Can we eat mac and cheese for dinner? I’m sure baby Chance would want mac and cheese on his birthday because all kids love mac and cheese.

We love you, Chance. 

Four years closer!

Three Things God Revealed To Me About Sharing My Work

On January 10, 2017 I released a book into the world. 

Did anyone know that?

Maybe?

Maybe not?

If I am being honest I have struggled greatly to promote the book after it went live for purchase on the world wide web. 

For some reason when I think about sharing my work with the world I get all weird and squirmy and self-conscious. Not because I’m worried about how people will react to the actual words (I fully get not everyone will love it, and I’m cool with that, I surely don’t love everything I read), but of how people will react to me TELLING THE WORLD about my work. 

Ugh. 

It’s such a struggle. I mean, I have shared my book on Instagram a total of three times. Three times! Four if you count that I recently added it to my highlights. I spent a lot of hours writing and a lot of dollars publishing this piece of my heart and yet I’m scared to talk about it because of what people might think of me. 

  

What in the actual world?

But S-L-O-W-L-Y (a.k.a two years, hello) God has been working on my heart in this area. 

Omgoodness, look at baby Camille.

Here is what God has been revealing to me. . . 

1.   Somewhere along the way we have equated humility and humbleness as not talking about our work. But friends, is this perspective even Biblical? I don’t think so. God has given us gifts and talents and testimonies and if we are truly letting the Holy Spirit lead us in our gifting, regardless of what that is, He wants us to share our offerings! Yes, the Bible warns us against succumbing to pride and arrogance, and this is a dangerous train to jump on, but I truly believe we can assume the posture of humility and still put our work out there for others to see. On the flip side, promoting a book (or a service or a product or whatever your thing is, regardless of if you are getting paid for it) is not egotism. It’s simply the follow-through of the original act of obedience, the original "yes" to write it, make it, create it, etc. 

2.   I have been making this about me. Yikes. When we let fear or insecurity stop us from sharing our work, we are making our thing All. About. Us. In my case, I’ve been making it about me, not the reader. I wrote the message of Desert Song for other women, to be encouraged to claim joy despite circumstance. I wrote it and then I let myself get in my own way. 

3.   If I opened a coffee shop, would I not spend time advertising to bring in customers? If I had a small business where where I created custom jewelry out of my home, would I not let people know? Yes. I would. And I don’t think I would be all weird inside about it. Yet, for some reason, writing has felt different. Yes, I did it for the message itself, not the money (let's be real, authors make about 5 cents per sale), but I have to remember that whether we are talking about vanilla lattes or words in a book, the same principle applies. 

Anyways, that’s what I’ve been wrestling through for awhile. And all that to say, you might hear me talk about my written words a little bit more in the future. 

Here’s to humbly letting the Spirit lead us as we share our creations with the world. Here’s to getting out of our own way, and following-through with the weird marketing side of producing a product or piece of content, whatever that looks like.

Here’s to doubling my Instagram posts in 2019! Ha! 

And here's to hoping my words don't put you to sleep like they did my husband.
It looks like he is faking it, but I assure you, he was out cold. #thanksbabe

 . . . 

What are you writing? What are you creating? What is your hobby? What are you good at and enjoy more than anything in the world? What is your small business? What are you selling? What do you spend hours on, just for the love of it? God delights when we share, so please comment below with Your Thing!