Dear Chance . . . Five Years in Heaven

Dear Chance, 

How has it been five years since I last saw your little face? I cannot believe how fast time seems to be passing us by. April 4, 2020 . . . you are celebrating five years in heaven. 

We think of you all the time, baby boy. Camille asks about you often and frequently sets an extra chair for you at dinner. She spontaneously told your entire story to a Chick-fil-a employee a few months back, which was so precious. You’ve put the hope of heaven in the heart of your sisters, too, and it’s life giving to see how that plays out over time.

Five years closer to seeing your sweet face again.

“We’ve been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God wets our appetite by giving us a taste of what’s ahead. He puts a little heaven in our hearts so that we’ll never settle for less. That’s why we live with such good cheer. You won’t see us dropping our heads or dragging our feet! Cramped conditions here don’t get us down. They only remind us of the spacious living conditions ahead. It’s what we trust in but don’t yet see that keeps us going. “ 2 Corinthians 5:5-8 MSG. 

Your tree in our backyard, gifted to us at your graveside service, bloomed FULLY these last few weeks, just as it does each year in March. I love that each year we have this symbolism of the cycle of beautiful life that comes from tragic death. 

Camille had 457 questions while looking through your memory book. One day I will have to explain that no, not all of the girls in our family were in the room watching the Doctor cut my tummy open and pull the baby out. :)

We celebrated with ice cream sundaes, courtesy of some super sweet friends who always think of us on your special day. 

Camille took this picture and was giggling the entire time. It reminded me of the truth . . .
Weeping lasts for a time but joy comes in the morning. 

TODAY Parenting Team . . . Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness (please read and vote!)

Hi Friends!

When the TODAY Parenting Team shared they were taking submissions for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness related material, I knew I wanted to submit a piece in honor of our son, Chance.

Would you take a minute to "vote up my article?" (You can vote once a day!) It would mean the world to me and my family. Each and every vote makes the post more visible to others who could benefit. And feel free to share on your social media channels.

Click here to read and vote. 

Can't believe we will soon be celebrating Chance's 5th year in heaven. How is that possible? Thank you in advance for your love and support.

Dear Chance . . . Four Years in Heaven

Dear Chance, 

Four years ago today you were born into heaven. 

How has it been F-O-U-R years? 

While you aren't with us, we think of you all the time and have plenty of conversations about our "baby brother" who lives with Jesus. We are so grateful you are part of our legacy. 

We visited your grave a few weeks ago, and we hope to go visit again this weekend for our annual family picture. 

Your tree, that was gifted to us by friends on the day of your memorial service, is in full bloom. It's our absolute favorite. As you can see, your sister, Camille, added a pink birdhouse to sit alongside the original blue one because, "I need a birdhouse next to my brother's." 

We started celebrating last night, a day early, since today is packed with your sister's activities (speech and occupational therapy for Clara and a preschool program for Camille). Your daddy picked up balloons and treats on the way home last night for all of us to enjoy! While we usually bake cupcakes and top them with blue icing, Camille was convinced that this year you would want the soft, sugar cookies from the bakery section because "Every little kid LOVES those cookies." They didn't have blue iced, but with two sisters, we figured pink would work just fine. :)

Clara clearly enjoying the mini chocolate cakes . . . every time I turned around she was snatching one!

Also, do you see that Clara has light-up TOYS in both hands??
Yep, she pooped on the potty right before our celebration.
Maybe we need to celebrate you big every single day! :)

We woke up this morning to lots of messages from family and friends, and balloons that SPELLED YOUR NAME, complete with a boy-themed birthday gift on the porch from sweet friends. Another friend dropped off a bouquet of beautiful flowers. You are not forgotten and we are so thankful! 

I have been fielding questions from your sister, Camille, on the regular. Such as... What does my brother look like in heaven? Can he see us? Can he see his balloons? Do you think his favorite colors are blue and green? What does my brother do all day in heaven? When I get to heaven will I know how to find baby Chance? Will Jesus help me find my brother? Do you think his favorite animal is an elephant? I think so because all little boys like elephants. Can we eat mac and cheese for dinner? I’m sure baby Chance would want mac and cheese on his birthday because all kids love mac and cheese.

We love you, Chance. 

Four years closer!

Do It Afraid

Over the past few months I have had the privilege of participating in several new, exciting opportunities. And by new and exciting I really mean I was honored to be asked, but I was literally scared to death to follow-through after giving a yes.

Both opportunities were something I felt the Lord nudging me toward, telling me to do, go, say yes, just do it afraid. To the point that if I said no, just because I was uncomfortable, I was being disobedient to His call.

Just do it afraid, Britt. If you wait until you feel ready or less anxious or fully prepared, you will never do it. The opportunity will have passed you by and who knows when it might come again. Just do it afraid. 

Just because we feel the fear doesn't mean it's not from God.

So I said yes to both - my first paid speaking opportunity and a fashion show fundraiser for the local Gigi's Playhouse. The first required a prepared speech to a roomful of approximately 50 women (where I knew only two) and the second required me to put on cute clothes (ok, that part was fun) and WALK DOWN A RUNWAY ALL ALONE AND POSE FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND DO ALL THE GESTURES WOMEN WHO WALK DOWN RUNWAYS DO ALL WHILE SEVERAL HUNDRED EYES STARED AT ME.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Those that know me well know that I am most comfortable behind a computer screen. As in, typing words in a room all by my little self. Just me and my coffee and my laptop. Not speaking words to a room full of people and most certainly not strutting up and down a runway.

Oh my goodness gracious.

I cannot begin to convey to you how nervous I was before both events. I ran to the restroom approximately fifteen times at each gathering. Sorry not sorry. This is just what happens when my nerves set in.

Because what if I screw it all up? What if I fail? What if I jumble my words while on stage or forget my points one through three? What if I am not the "type" of speaker they envisioned when they invited me and paid me actual dollars to come open my mouth and "inspire?" What if I fall while walking down a stinking runway? What if I throw up or pass out or . . . ?

The icing on the cake was when the woman running the fashion show (love you, Kathryn!) told me five minutes before I was to walk to JUST POP OFF MY JACKET HALFWAY DOWN THE RUNWAY AND THROW IT OVER MY SHOULDER.

I'm sorry, what? I don't even know what that means. I wear jean shorts and t-shirts approximately 3/4 of the year and how do you even just casually pop off a jacket while wearing it?

Y'all, I told her no.

This is where I draw the line, K. I obeyed the Spirit and I said yes and I will walk in this show but there will be no popping off the jacket. No ma'am. Ask the next girl.

The picture below is before she called me out as I was on stage and made me take it off.

Again. I basically died.

But y'all. There is so much I would have missed had I said no out of fear. And this lesson of just doing it afraid has really stuck with me the last few months. God has big, wide plans for us, experiences He longs to give us and share and delight in with us, and we often miss these good gifts because of nerves and assuming someone else is better suited for the job.

I would have missed hugging the necks of Hope Moms of West Texas, hearing their stories, and sharing together in their burdens and their joys. I would have missed eating a delicious meal of bbq and cornbread and cobbler and taking pictures together honoring our babies in heaven. I would have missed reconnecting with a friend from college who lost a baby at seven weeks old due to SIDS. I had no idea. Yet, because of a yes offered in fear, there is a connection between old friends that never would have been.

(pictures from the Hope Mommies West Texas Chapter event to come soon)

I would have missed getting to know a handful of new friends and families affiliated with Gigi's Playhouse. Several beautiful friendships have begun as a result of a "yes" when I really wanted to just pull a Jonah and run and hide. I'm looking at you Belinda, Nicole, Carly, and Mandy.

This is my new friend, Nicole. Love her so! 

So in an effort to encourage us all to just show up scared and do it afraid regardless of the outcome, I have been compiling quotes that speak to this dilemma and that have provided inspiration to me this year. I hope they inspire you to just do it afraid, too.

Let's feel the fear and do it anyway.

. . .

You’re not a winner because you won, you’re not a loser because you lost, you’re a participant because you tried. - Bob Goff 

I would rather fail trying then fail watching. - Bob Goff 

Success isn’t final, failure isn’t fatal but the courage to keep going and live into your dreams is what matters. - Christy Wright

I want to lean in with the spirit of faith, and not pull back with a spirit of fear. - Christine Caine

And I, for one, would rather fail at something I love than succeed at something I don’t. - Mark Batterson, Whisper

I don’t want to fail by failing to try. - Unknown 

The measure of who we are is how we react to something that doesn’t go our way. - Gregg Popovich , pro basketball coach

On the other side of your fear is your freedom - Jen Sincere

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill

The only difference between fear and excitement is the name I give it - Unknown 

Courage is doing things even when you’re scared. Being brave isn’t something that happens when you’re not scared anymore. Brave people don’t stop hearing the whispers of fear. They hear the whispers but take action anyway. Being brave is hearing that voice of fear in your head, but saying, “Okay, but the truth is, God made me on purpose and for a purpose.” - Annie F. Downs

. . . 

Your turn . . . What's your Do It Afraid assignment? 

Dear Chance . . . Three Years In Heaven

Dear Chance,

Today we celebrated your third year in heaven. Today, three years ago, I birthed you from my body, held you in my arms, studied your face, and couldn't believe I was a mama to a little boy.

I miss you so much and think of you often. While I wish you were here with us, I am confident you are living out your God given purpose in heaven.

Much fruit has come from your 20 weeks of life and birth and entrance into heaven. Only fruit that God could see in advance and arrange in his bigger-picture-kind-of-way. The fruit doesn't always take away the sadness, but it does give purpose to your short life and for that I am so thankful!

Here is how we celebrated you today . . .

Dropped off Clara to school decked out in our blue (and pink because jackets were neecssary)!

(Side note: We were 1.5 hours late dropping her off because your crazy sisters wanted to pretend they were newborn babies last night and woke up 345x. I can't even make this stuff up. Camille was crying because she needed water. Camille was crying because she rolled off her blanket on the floor. Yes, she has been requesting to sleep on the floor. I don't even know. Camille was crying because a mean chicken was chasing her. Clara was up because she stowed a tiny toy away in her covers and wanted to play all night long. Your sisters are cray some days/nights.)

After drop off, we met Aunt Ashley at our favorite park for a play-date. The weather was amazing and the sun shining and it set the nicest mood for the day.

We came home from the park to find a birthday cake and balloons from friends! Our people haven't forgotten you, Chance. I am so thankful.

After lunch, Camille and I made cupcakes in your honor. . . Funfetti flavored with blue icing of course, per tradition.

Once Clara was home from school and daddy home from work, we visited the cemetery where you were buried and released balloons. We later enjoyed a pizza dinner together and some good, quality time as a family. It was a perfect day (just like you!) and while there was a bit of sadness, there was also plenty of smiles going around.

Happy birthday, baby boy!

Three years closer!!!

Love,
Mommy

P.S. It's important to note that your sister, Camille, now understands that you live in heaven and not Hawaii. She was a bit confused last year, but we've been working on our theology since then. However, she asked me today, completly serious, if you are a dog or a kid up in heaven. So, apparently we still have some work to do.