When Mother's Day Feels Different

Mother's Day is around the corner and I know, for some of you, your heart is dancing between joy and sadness, peace and questioning, contentment and longing.

For some of you, Mother's Day has a way of making you feel a bit off. A bit different. It can be a day of  many mixed emotions.

Some of you are missing your own mother. Wishing she was by your side, journeying life with you, but for whatever reason, be it distance or estrangement or death, she is not.

I understand this pain.

I said goodbye to my biological mother as a young child. Her life taken by Lupus. And while I am blessed and thankful to have a mother via re-marriage and adoption, one who has raised me well and helped fill the gap, there is a tiny piece of my heart missing.

Some of you are aching for a child who preceded you to heaven. A little one born too soon by miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. Or maybe you lost an adult child. You are wishing he or she was celebrating with you today, but they are not, and you feel a bit incomplete on this day because instead of embracing them in a hug today you are visiting their gravesite.

I understand this pain.

Our story includes a miscarriage at two months pregnant and a miscarriage/stillbirth at five months pregnant.  I have a son who lives in heaven and who I still think about on a daily basis. And while I am thankful for my two earthly daughters, they will never replace my son who I carried for five months and held in my arms for five hours.

Some of you are longing for a child to call your own. You are walking the road of infertility and feel a bit lost on this day. You long to be a mama and this day is just one more reminder of an unfulfilled prayer and dream. You watch as other mothers are celebrated and while you rejoice with them, your heart hurts.

I understand this pain.

Infertility was my story for a short time. I cannot pretend to know what it is like to walk this road endlessly, but I do remember the lows and disapointments that come with endless doctor's appointments, hormone shots, blood draws, and canceled/failed cycles.

However you are feeling on this Mother's Day, give yourself permission to feel it.

Cry if you need to cry. Skip out on events if it feels like too much. There is grace upon grace for days like this one. You don't have to hold it together. You don't have to fake it. You don't have to live up to any expectations on this day. Your sadness is not ungratefulness, dear one. Your tears are not flowing from a faithless heart. You are human with human emotions and God understands your hurt and hurts with you.

But if you feel the urge to laugh, laugh. Attend an event that brings joy and life. You have permission to live fully and joyfully and with open arms. This is the abundant life that Jesus offers, despite our circumstances, so if you feel the smile come this Mother's Day, grab it and hold tight. This is God's good gift to you. Refuse to feel guilt when the laughter comes, dear one. Laughter does not equal forgetfulness. Your mother or child or longing will never be forgotten.

A few verses to meditate on if this Mother's Day feels different for you . . . 

Now you've got my feet on the life path, all radiant from the shining of your face. Ever since you took my hand, I'm on the right way. Psalm 16:11

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy. Psalm 30:11

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1

I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:1-2 

God, the one and only - I'll wait as long as he says, everything I hope for comes from him, so why not? He's solid rock under my feet. Psalm 62: 5-6 MSG

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Psalm 68:19

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. Psalm 130:5 

Much love to you all this Mother's Day.