**My blogging friend, Chelsea, wrote a post a while back discussing her daughter Audrey and her developmental delays. I am stealing the title "Dealing with delays" from her.**
Clara had her 15 month well check yesterday. A little late this time around due to the pedi's jam packed schedule (hello school starting), but we fit it in nonetheless. When the nurse took us back to our room she proceeded to ask a series of questions (this is normal) relevant to an average 15 month old.
You can probably see where this is going. . .
Nurse : Does your child say 3-5 words?
Nurse: Does your child follow simple instructions such as "Bring me the ball?"
Nurse: Can your child feed, or attempt to feed, herself with a spoon?
Nurse: Does your child point to objects in a book with one finger?
Nurse: Does your child understand how items are used such as using, or attempting to use, a brush to brush her hair?
Nurse: Can your child scribble with a crayon?
Nurse: Is your child walking?
Insert emotional meltdown on my part. That I did not see coming.
Nurse: I'm sorry, these are just all questions I have to ask.
Me: I know and I understand. She's just really delayed so you most all of these questions will probably not apply to us.
On most days, I am strong and confident, and do not feel weighed down by the delays my sweet girl is experiencing. I guess I get used to what "our normal" is, and just learn to roll with it. But not yesterday. It hit me like a ton of bricks. During all the questioning Clara was sitting on the examination table struggling to play with some wooden puzzle game, so I suppose visually watching her struggle, coupled with hearing the questions and speaking her delays out loud were just too much.
I went home a little upset with myself that I let my emotions get the best of me. But as the day went on I keep asking myself "Why?" "Why am I so upset with myself for breaking down?"
Maybe because I thought getting emotional equals a weakness of some sort? Weakness as a mom when I need to be strong for my daughter? Not sure.
But, deep down, I know that's a lie. A lie that is easy to see now, but not so easy to distinguish in the moment. So since the events of yesterday I have been focusing on what I know to be truth.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."
I think this verse applies to many areas of life, outside of my family & our experience with developmental delays, does it not? Insert what you want. Insert whatever you are facing this day, and it is bound to provide a glimmer of hope. Hope in the midst of mental illness, infertility, marriage struggles, sickness, family dysfunction, financial woes, and so, so much more.
So on days like yesterday, because I am sure they will come again, I will choose Isaiah 43:2, and remember that emotions do not make me weak, they just makes me human. And even though the flood and fire are bound to come, I have a hope that wins out, every time.
**Now I know full well that there are parents that have it much worse. That have a much harder road to walk, maybe a lifetime worth of struggles that face their children. I am not pretending to be that parent. That said, being honest and open about our journey is the best way I know to properly process OUR reality, during this life phase.**