Monday, July 11, 2016

To The Mama Who Was Just Told Her Baby's Heart Isn't Beating

Dear Mama Who Was Just Told Her Baby's Heart Isn't Beating,

Oh, Mama. I am so very sorry. There is no shock to the system like the shock you just experienced. There is no deeper pain I know than losing a child, and I am so sorry you are now facing that pain head-on.

The emotions you are experiencing now? They are normal. The sadness, hurt, pain, anger, bitterness, frustration, anxiousness, irritability, and new fears that are bound to creep inside? Yes, sweet Mama. All of these things are real and you are not losing your mind. You are stepping into the ocean of grief and the waves come and go, some little and some gigantic. Some you can see a mile away, and some hit you with no warning.

I know it feels tempting to just abandon ship. To just throw in the towel and say "What's the point?" To not care anymore because the waves feel too big and are crashing too hard and, frankly, some moments you can't even catch your breath.

But Mama, you need to ride the waves. Don't fear the grief. I know you can hardly make sense of what emotion is coming next, but keep riding. Grip on as tight as you can and pray your way through every wave.

Your little one wants to see you smile again, Mama. I know the guilt immediately follows that first smile, that first laugh, that first moment of happiness. But I beg you to push out the guilt and embrace the smile. That first smile is called hope rising, Mama. And hope is a good, good gift. A gift that your baby and your Heavenly Father deeply desires for you. So smile big and smile bright, when the smile comes.

The big picture seems overwhelming right now. Just focus on one step at a time. Healing is a marathon, not a sprint. Just make one healthy choice right now, and then another, and then another. And eventually your load will feel lighter and your mind a bit clearer. Eventually living through your days will seem natural again. Just one baby step followed by another baby step. But don't rush the process, Mama.

Also, Mama? Please get whatever help you need to help you ride these tortuous waves of grief. Some Mamas are able to process on their own, but others need the help of a professional. Some might even need medication. There is no shame in needing help, Mama. No shame. Your life and your healing are more important than any stigma. Press into the help you need, when you need it.

Your world feels dark right now. Facing the actual night, and the idea of sleep, is beyond comprehendible. I remember those first few nights after my son was born still. I am so sorry you are facing the dark of night. But you are not facing the darkness alone, Mama. There is light pressing through. It's there. You can't see it now. But it's there. And one of these days, maybe a few months from now or a year from now, light will prove victorious. You will wake up one day with more light than you have ever known. That day is not today, but it is in your future.

You will realize that this new you, Mama of a heavenly babe, is stronger than ever before. You will realize that the darkness produced such growth, such fierce love, and such fierce focus, that you are not the same woman. The waves have stretched you to new heights. The waves have produced bold faith and bold love and bold life. You will realize that all that stuff you cared about before? It doesn't matter now. You are reminded, Mama, to live life with intentionality, to live on purpose.

I am so sorry for your loss, Mama. It is a loss like no other. But we serve a God like no other. And by His mighty hand and His loving grace, you will overcome.

Light wins, Mama.

Keep pressing towards the light.

He's calling your name.


  1. I know this post, as so many others you have written, will provide much needed insight and encouragement for so many people!

  2. Beautiful, thank you so much for posting these words!

    1. You're so welcome, Katie. I am glad they spoke to you. :)

  3. Thank you. God has used you and your suffering to provide a light for me. We lost our baby girl, Sophia Kathryn, at 21 weeks 3 days on July 11, 2016. The very same day you published this post. The sadness and confusion are almost unbearable at times. I can't thank you enough for sharing your story.

    1. I'm so sorry for your loss, Jen. It truly is heartbreaking, and the deepest pain I have ever felt. And yes, unbearable at times. Let yourself grieve and give yourself time to heal. You will get there, but it does take time. I will be praying for you and your family.

  4. Thank you for posting. I found you from hope mommies! I've lost 5 babies. I have 2 miracle daughters, 2 years and a 3 month old! What an unforseen difficult journey some of us face! I pray God blesses you !

    1. Same to you, Charity. I am so sorry for your losses. And rejoice with you over your miracle daughters!


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