Oh, Mama. I am so very sorry. There is no shock to the system like the shock you just experienced. There is no deeper pain I know than losing a child, and I am so sorry you are now facing that pain head-on.
The emotions you are experiencing now? They are normal. The sadness, hurt, pain, anger, bitterness, frustration, anxiousness, irritability, and new fears that are bound to creep inside? Yes, sweet Mama. All of these things are real and you are not losing your mind. You are stepping into the ocean of grief and the waves come and go, some little and some gigantic. Some you can see a mile away, and some hit you with no warning.
I know it feels tempting to just abandon ship. To just throw in the towel and say "What's the point?" To not care anymore because the waves feel too big and are crashing too hard and, frankly, some moments you can't even catch your breath.
But Mama, you need to ride the waves. Don't fear the grief. I know you can hardly make sense of what emotion is coming next, but keep riding. Grip on as tight as you can and pray your way through every wave.
Your little one wants to see you smile again, Mama. I know the guilt immediately follows that first smile, that first laugh, that first moment of happiness. But I beg you to push out the guilt and embrace the smile. That first smile is called hope rising, Mama. And hope is a good, good gift. A gift that your baby and your Heavenly Father deeply desires for you. So smile big and smile bright, when the smile comes.
The big picture seems overwhelming right now. Just focus on one step at a time. Healing is a marathon, not a sprint. Just make one healthy choice right now, and then another, and then another. And eventually your load will feel lighter and your mind a bit clearer. Eventually living through your days will seem natural again. Just one baby step followed by another baby step. But don't rush the process, Mama.
Also, Mama? Please get whatever help you need to help you ride these tortuous waves of grief. Some Mamas are able to process on their own, but others need the help of a professional. Some might even need medication. There is no shame in needing help, Mama. No shame. Your life and your healing are more important than any stigma. Press into the help you need, when you need it.
Your world feels dark right now. Facing the actual night, and the idea of sleep, is beyond comprehendible. I remember those first few nights after my son was born still. I am so sorry you are facing the dark of night. But you are not facing the darkness alone, Mama. There is light pressing through. It's there. You can't see it now. But it's there. And one of these days, maybe a few months from now or a year from now, light will prove victorious. You will wake up one day with more light than you have ever known. That day is not today, but it is in your future.
I am so sorry for your loss, Mama. It is a loss like no other. But we serve a God like no other. And by His mighty hand and His loving grace, you will overcome.
Light wins, Mama.
Keep pressing towards the light.
He's calling your name.