Guilt . . . Are you still holding on?

Guilt...

It is a nasty five letter word. It is one of those emotions that can start off small yet over time, if not extinguished, has the ability to grow, fester and take over your life.  

Webster's dictionary defines guilt  as:

1

: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly :guilty conduct

2

a : the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciouslyb : feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : self-reproach

3

: a feeling of culpability for offenses

There are an unlimited number of reasons that one might feel a sense of guilt. 

I am sure you have been there. You spoke a harsh word in the heat of the moment. You hesitated when you felt God nudging you to speak His word bodly. You didn't make time for that one "hard to love" friend or family member only to realize your time with them was cut short. You feel guilty about past decisions - a relationship gone haywire, a little white lie that didn't seem so bad at the time or a situation you manipulated to get your way. The list goes on and on and on really. If you stop and think about it you probably have several reasons to feel guilty. 

I don't say this to bring on MORE guilt but just as a way to realize how overwhelming the emotion can be if we welcome it in and let it take refuge in our hearts. 

When I first learned that I would be facing the road of infertility, and that this was most likely due to MY CHOICE to starve and not nourish my body, guilt rolled in STRONG. Most couples who are facing infertility are not there by choice. Yet I had messed with my body in such a way where I had altered it functioning thus impairing it's ability to conceive naturally. Ouch. 

I had days and nights where I would just cry and cry apologizing to Brandon for the choices I had made and how it now was now affecting HIS future. (Side note: At 89 pounds I wasn't really stopping to think how my selfishness, and desire to wear a 00, could potentially harm my husband). It was ALL my fault and I just knew that God was finally punishing me for my actions. I would sit in the fertility clinic thinking "no one but myself put us here." I had asked God for forgiveness (when I started down my journey of recovery) but for some reason I didn't believe He had heard me or had washed away my sin. I felt I owed it to Him to keep asking and asking and apologizing and apologizing and begging and begging for forgivenss. I let guilt take over. I let it in and I let it stay.

I will never forget what Brandon said to me one day amidst my tears and sobs of apologies. 

"Britt, we are a team. We have been a team from day one and we will walk this road together. You have NO reason to feel guilty about what WAS. You are a new person and are living a NEW life. You are not making the same choices and you are living healthfully. God heard you and is no longer holding your past mistakes over you head. LET IT GO. I have. God has and He is waiting for you to do the same. If you don't let it go it will be impossible to face the road ahead."

Wow. 

He was exactly right. (Why are husbands always so smart?) What Brandon said is SO true and hit me like a ton of bricks. If my Father is no longer thinking about my past and holding on to my sin, why in the world am I? Why am I not allowing myself to find joy in His forgiveness and loving embrace? 

In fact He tells us that  ...

"If you are serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes on the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ - that's where the action is. See things from His perspective. Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life - even though invisible to spectators - is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up too - the real you, the glorious you..." 

The Message, Colossians 3:1-3

This fresh perspective allowed me to leave all my ED and infertility related guilt at HIS throne. Forever.

Do you struggle with guilt? 

Are you holding on to something from your past? 

It is time to let it go.