Monday, July 25, 2011

He is not oppressing me …. He is stretching me

The message from the church pulpit this past Sunday could not have come at a better time. Funny thing is… I was not supposed to even be in church this past Sunday. That was NOT the plan. The plan was for me to be at home, on the couch, watching movies and endless hours of The Food Network while simultaneously reading the latest issue of People magazine.  Yes total bed rest was the plan going into last weekend. Why? I had made it all the way through my egg retrieval (on 7/17) and the embryo transfer was scheduled for 1:00pm on Friday the 22nd. Well (long story short) the transfer did not happen. For some reason God had another plan and wanted me at church, not reading the latest celebrity gossip. He wanted me to hear the message, specifically titled Is Your God Too Small???

I will be quite honest and say that laying in the OR bed on Friday with nurses surrounding me, seeing Brandon in a while marshmallow jumpsuit (yes it was rather humorous), and the nurses explaining to me exactly how the doctor will perform the transfer (while they are making sure I am comfortable and hooking up all the machines, equipment, etc) can build up quite a level of anticipation and excitement.  Oh and they had already given me a Valium. So yes, I was starting to feel a little relaxed. The nurse joked that after transfer was complete I would be considered PUPO (sounds like poop-o, an in house term meaning “pregnant until proven otherwise”). Then in a matter of minutes the conversation turned serious. The Dr arrived and was started to explain to us the possible risks if he preformed even a single embryo transfer. Excuse me what? Are you serious? Are we really having this conversation as I am lying here seconds from seeing my little embryos on the ultrasound machine?  Honest to goodness I  was laying there thinking I was on the craziest episode ever in the history of Punk’d and that Ashton Kutcher was going to jump around the corner (also in his white marshmallow jumpsuit) and then we would all laugh and get on with business. For real I started looking around for TV cameras. Yet Ashton never made an appearance and the Dr wasn’t joking. Wow. OK so we have a decision to make… like now. Apparently my ovaries are severely inflamed and the follicles that were not retrieved are still growing strong. Proceeding with a one embryo transfer could put myself at risk, again, for ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome. So we either take that risk, or do nothing today, freeze the embryos, and do a frozen embryo transfer cycle (FET) in August or September.  Now you can imagine that at this point in a treatment cycle I am one big walking hormone waiting to explode. Literally. So I was no where in the right frame of mind to make said decision. I looked at Brandon and told him (well more like sobbed through my tears) to make the call and I will respect whatever he decides. That is when the Dr looked at Brandon and said “If this was my wife, I would not even put one embryo in her right now.” And with that comment the decision was made. Ten minutes later I am getting dressed (still loopy from the Valium) and being wheeled to the car in a wheel chair for a procedure that did not even happen.

So as I sat in church on Sunday listening to the message I could not help but think it was directed at me. God knew what I needed to hear that day. One comment was made in the sermon about how God does not put us through trials to oppress us but to stretch us. When I was wheeled out of the surgery center on Friday afternoon I knew God was with me and that He was still my biggest fan… but let’s be real… I was mad, frustrated, confused and hurting. Everything in this treatment cycle (attempt # 5) had gone perfect. To. A. T. And then the big shocker on Friday. Yet as I sit here writing this out, four days later,  I can say with confidence that God is not oppressing me in this struggle to conceive; He is stretching me. He is stretching me to handle more than ever thought possible; He is stretching me to love deeper and give bigger and practice more patience & empathy with others. He is stretching my marriage (for the better). He is stretching me to know that regardless of my plans and expectations He is the only constant. He is the only master planner. His stretching allows more of me to cling to Him. And that is what life is all about really… isn’t it…clinging to God in each and every happy, sad, joyful, unexpected and tearful moment? So while I am still sad from the letdown of Friday (and I still cry off and on… yes hormones are still raging...just ask Brandon!) I can rejoice in knowing that God is not my oppressor, He is my stretcher.  And for that I have much to be thankful for.  

So now what? I wait for God to do His thing. And pray. Pray without ceasing. 
Pray for His perfect plan and for my little (frozen) embryos that I can't wait to meet. 

"For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their prayer..." 
I Peter 3:12
"Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear to dull to hear..." 
Isaiah 59:1
How is God stretching you? 

7 comments:

  1. I love you so much, Britt! You are one amazing women, & God is going to bless you beyond belief one day, I know it! Thinking & praying for you!

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  2. I am so thankful for your example right now, friend! Thank you for posting as I have been thinking and praying for you since Friday. I have known that God was with you, and now I know just how! Hugs & prayers from the Fridges.

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  3. AnonymousJuly 26, 2011

    So proud of you Britt! God is BIG and can do BIG things! Thanks for writing this... you are helping and encouraging others even in your sadness. I pray for your little embryos every day! - Emily

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  4. I love you, Britt! You are an amazing woman....seriously you are so inspiring. I'm so, so sorry for your pain. I am joining you in prayer!

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  5. Grandma FrecklesJuly 26, 2011

    We love you so much and are praying constantly for your hearts' desire to be fulfilled. As your mother in law/mother, I can tell you that we couldn't have asked for a better daughter in law/son to raise our future grandchildren. I'm confident that one day you will be able to share your incredible story of faith with your children and they will know how much they were/are loved. Your joy will be so complete, the pain and sorrow you experienced getting to that point will be a distant memory. God is good, and He will reward your faithfulness.

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  6. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with this issue. Your attitude is SO commendable, though, and I agree that God is not oppressing you! My coworker is struggling with infertility and we have been talking about it a lot. I told her a while ago that God doesn't give us (holy) desires like being a parent just to leave our hopes deferred...He loves giving us the desires of our heart when they also give us the opportunity to glorify Him! Something came to me and I said to focus on the thought that she WILL be a parent--the "how" is up to Him. She said she is still thinking about that and it is comforting her, so I thought I would just pass it on again. I will add you to my prayers!

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  7. Hey Sarah! Thanks for the comment. You are very sweet and I love what you said about God not giving us holy desires just to leave us hanging. I will try and focus on WHEN I become a parent and not IF I become a parent. Thanks for the prayers! Love your blog by the way. I have been reading it for a long time... long before I ever started my own. :)

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