Saying goodbye

This is the hardest post I have ever had to write. . .

Some of you know that this past Wednesday, April 1st, our world came crashing down. Totally unexpected. No warning signs. No hints that this particular appointment would be any different.

We were scheduled for our 20 week anatomy scan this past Wednesday and arrived eager and thrilled to see our baby and learn if we were expecting another precious girl or an adorable little boy. The technician seemed equally as eager and after learning we had two girls at home, commented on how fun it was going to be to surprise us in a few moments with the news.

Yet right when she started the scan I knew something wasn't right. My eyes were flashing across the screen looking for the heartbeat and I couldn't find it.

Then the questions started slowly. . .

"When did you say your last ultrasound was?" At 10 weeks gestation.

"Ok, and when did you see your Dr last?" Two weeks ago, 18 weeks 3 days. Everything looked great at that appt. Heartbeat was in the 150's.

"Are you still feeling some pregnancy symptoms?" Yes.

"Ok. I'm just taking a few measurements and then am going to have the Dr come in." 

I knew my initial feeling was correct. I quickly asked if there was a heartbeat to which she replied she was not finding one, she was so sorry, and would have the Dr come in to speak with us.

And at that moment it was as if time stood still. All I could do was release my tears. It was as if I was in the midst of a nightmare, but couldn't wake up. The Dr came in and very appropriately but compassionately explained that based on the images she was seeing, there was no immediate reason or explanable cause for the death of our child (spine, brain, etc all looked just fine). She explained some potential causes for a 2nd trimester loss, the testing options that are available if we are interested in investigating the cause of death, and our options moving forward for delivery of the child. We were eventually moved into a counseling room to talk further with the Dr.

We left several hours later and I felt like I was walking in a fog. We sat in our car and cried and just didn't move. I kept telling Brandon "I don't even know what to do right now. What am I supposed to do? Do we keep sitting here? Do we go home? Is this really happening?"

 . . .

We are so overwhelmed with the love and kindness that has been shown to us over the last 48 hours. Phone calls, texts, surprise gifts and food drop offs, scripture reminders. . . everything. We certainly do feel the love and support from our family and friends.

We will be admitted to the hospital shortly to start the induction and delivery process. The Dr explained it could take 1-2 days. We are so thankful that we will be given the option of seeing and holding the baby if we so choose.

This is by far the hardest thing we have ever had to do. All we know to do is pray for strength and pray that God alone would be glorified by our experience and story. While we would not wish this experience on anyone, we am thankful for the reminder that on this Easter weekend, death does not have the final say. Not then. Not now. Not ever. In the coming hours we will hold our precious baby who is already being held in the arms of Jesus. And we will put our hope in Him alone and in the promise of seeing our little one again on the other side.

"Not For A Moment" - Vertical Band Church featuring Meredith Andrews