Dear Chance. . . One Year In Heaven

Dear Chance,

How has it been one full year? One year ago today you were born into my arms, yet you were already being held by our Heavenly Father.

This past year has been a rollercoaster for mommy with lots of downs and lots of ups and lots of twists and turns I didn't expect, and some I did. But while I have been on my grief rollercoaster, one thing that brings me much comfort is knowing you are experiencing pure peace and love, for there are no emotional rollercoasters in heaven. Only deep joy because you are in the presence of Jesus. You bypassed all of earth's yuck and instead went straight to forever bliss. So when I think of you experiencing only joy and only peace and only a continual awe for our Savior, I rest easier in this in-between. I rest easier knowing all you know is perfect love.

I will never forget those sacred hours after your birth. For five hours you were with us. I studied your face intently, wanting to remember every detail. Your nose, lips, hands, toes . . . every inch of you was beautiful and perfect. A picture of you sits on the dresser in mommy and daddy's bedroom. So while you are not here experiencing life with the four of us, you live on in our hearts and minds. I get to see you everyday, for now just in a picture, but someday soon we will meet again.

I am filled with joy knowing that in the short twenty weeks in my womb, you fulfilled your life's purpose. Some of us walk around this earth for years upon years not fulfilling God's call on our lives. Brushing Him off in the name of busyness or various other earthly distractions. How amazing that you accomplished God's purposes for you in only five months. You have inspired me to step up and perservere and not shrink back (Hebrews 10: 35-38). You have instilled in me a constant reminder of Jesus and of the true reason I was put on this earth to begin with. . . to shine Jesus to the world. Because that is what you do. Because when I think of you I think of Jesus and the real point in all of this . . . to make His name known among His people.

Chance, I just love you so much it hurts. Your birthday is proving much harder than I anticipated, but even in the pain I am filled with hope and truth and I can smile through the tears because God is faithful. Do I wish you were here in my arms? Of course, and I always will. That is just the mommy in me missing her baby boy. But do I trust God's ways over my own? Do I trust that He who formed the world and cares for the birds of the air even more so cares for me and my best? Of course, and I always will.

We celebrate you today, sweet little one. We celebrate heaven today. And we celebrate the promise that God is big and mighty and always working for our good. The tears are present, but we are choosing joy. Get ready, there are lots of blue balloons coming your way.

Love you forever and always,
Mommy