Life With An Eating Disorder: Resources

Happy Friday! Today marks the last day in the series. While some of the testimonials may have been hard or uncomfortable to read, I hope that the words shared spoke some truth, hope, and perhaps gave you new insight into the world that is eating disorders.

To wrap things up I want to leave you with some hands on resources, should you or someone you love need them in the future. In no way does the list below encompass all the great information out there, there are so many more websites and books, but at least it will give you a start.

Recovery/Research focused blogs
ED Bites
Science of Eating Disorders 
Living With Food: Cleveland Center for Eating Disorders 
Kartini Clinic for Eating Disorders
Binge Eating and Bulimia: The latest psychological research on eating disorders  
Something Fishy: Website on eating disorders
Eating Disorder HOPE 
Mirror Mirror
The Recovery Boat
Blog Roll from Surviving Anorexia

Recovery/Research focused books (taken directly from Surviving Anorexia)

Eating Disorder Information
Anorexia Nervosa: A Survival Guide for Families, Friends, and Sufferers by Janet Treasure

Answers to Anorexia: A Breakthrough Nutritional Treatment That Is Saving Lives by James M Greenblatt

Bulimia: A Guide for Friends & Family by Roberta Trattner Sherman, PhD., and Ron A Thompson, PhD.

Eating Disorders: The facts by Abraham and Llewellyn-Jones

Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder by Locke and Grange

Eating Disorders: The Path to Recovery by Kate Middleton

First Steps out of an Eating Disorder by Middleton and Smith

Overcoming Anorexia Nervosa: A self-help guide using Cognitive Behaviour Techniques by Christopher Freeman

Overcoming Binge Eating by Christopher Freeman

Eating Disorders Psychological Issues/Self Help

Healing your Hungry Heart by Joanna Poppink

Hope, Help and Healing for Eating Disorders by Gregory Jantz

Father Hunger: Fathers, Daughters and the Pursuit of Thinness (2nd Ed) by Margo Maine PhD

Navigating Teen Depression by Gordon Parker and Kerrie Eyers

Overcoming Anorexia Nervosa: A self-help guide using Cognitive Behaviour Techniques by Christopher Freeman

Reviving Ophelia by Mary Piper

The Body Betrayed by Kathryn J Zerbe

The Secret Language of Eating Disorders by Peggy Claude-Pierre

Maudsley Approach

Skills-based Learning for Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder: The New Maudsley Method by Janet Treasure

My Kid is Back: Empowering parents to beat AN by June Alexander

Brave Girl Eating by Harriet Brown

Compulsive, Comfort or Emotional Eating

Feeding the Hungry Heart by Geneen Roth

Appetites by Geneen Roth

When Food is Love by Geneen Roth

Memoirs, Life & Recovery Stories

Appetite for Life: Inspiring Stories of Recovery by Margie Ryerson

Biting Anorexia by Lucy Howard Taylor

Gaining by Aimee Liu

Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Lifeby Jenni Schaefer

Just Tell Her to Stop: Family stories of eating disorders by Becky Henry

Life without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too by Jenni Schaefer

Mealtimes and Milestones by Constance Barter

Perfect by Emily Halban

Restoring our bodies, reclaiming our lives by Aimee Liu

Thin by Grace Bowman

Unbearable Lightness: A Story Of Loss And Gain by Porta de Rossi

Wasted by Marya Hornbacher

Depression

The books below are what spoke to me when learning how to deal and live with my depression. There are so many, many books on depression, that you will certainly be able to find some that speak directly to you. Some of my best finds were in second hand shops.

Living with a Black Dog, books I and II by Matthew Johnstone

Depression, Lifting the Cloud by Dr Christine Reed and Dr Lisa Lampe

Depression, The Way out of your Prison by Dorothy Rowe

Shoot the Damn Dog by Sally Brampton

Healing Path by Dan Allender PhD

The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Cuthrie

Hope in the Midst of Depression by Mary Southerland

The Shelter of Each Other by Mary Piper

Do You Think I am Beautiful; When Wallflowers Dance; A Beautiful Offering – all by Angela Thomas

Resilience by Elizabeth Edwards

A Women’s Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

A Confident Woman by Ingrid Trobisch

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Life With An Eating Disorder: A Message For The Parents

Playing catch up this week? A Love Letter To My Sister , The Challenge To Stay, and Beautiful For Me .

Today I am sharing a post written by an Australian mother who writes over at Surviving Anorexia: eating disorder recovery - our family's journey through anorexia. Her daughter, Sophie, has been struggling with an eating disorder since 2009.

To read more about Sophie's story click here.

 . . .

Confused, Broken Parents 

For those of who care on a daily basis for someone with an eating disorder, the road is rough, painful, scary, and brings so much pain. This is not a post to build or promote guilt in those who have an eating disorder illness. You didn’t choose this, you don’t stay by choice. You had no say in getting the illness. So don’t take anything from this. It is simply about how difficult it can be and how alone you feel as a carer.

I have met another wonderful mum, whose daughter is about to come home from inpatient care. Like me and others before, the mum is distraught, grieving, struggling and wondering what lies ahead. It is a terrifically hard and terrifying time. Yes your daughter is now back at her BMI weight, her brain is functioning and her body healing. BUT, the eating disorder is now cornered. It is fighting loudly and desperately for it’s space. It won’t give up easily nor back down. It heightens the fight and finds many other ways to now live.

My daughter like many who come home from inpatient care for the first time and are still to really start deep counselling therapy can only hear the screaming ED voice. Our daughters hate their safe weight, hate they have to eat, hate those around them making them eat, hate being watched, hate being monitored. They feel they look like Biggest Loser before photos. Their only thought is when they get home is to not eat, to lose the weight and use every trick in the book (plus new ones) to not do what their parents or team are telling them.

Us parents find the several daily fights (a fight for each meal so that’s 6 fights a day), and stubbornness and sneakiness of the eating disorder very, very difficult. It is wearing, exhausting and an emotional roller coaster. You are constantly watching, sifting through conversation with your daughter as to what is her and what is the ED talking, always monitoring. And always loving her so much but unable to protect her from the damned illness.You hope for full recovery and no relapses. But the hard, cold reality is relapses will happen, some being big ones. You don’t know if your daughter is one of the ones headed for full recovery or not nor how long it will take her. Will she just do the 5-7 years or will she be stuck for so much longer. I remember days when all I wanted to do was pack my bag and run away. It was just so tough and at that stage a seemingly thankless task of trying to save  daughter, who appeared to not want to be saved.

The only advice I can give of someone who has come out the other side and lived through some very dark, scary times with my daughter is find support for yourself. Friends, family, your daughter’s support team, your own counsellor. You need others around you to mentally and emotionally support you. Try to find some time out, somewhere to scream and cry it all out. Take each day as it comes, one day at a time only. Remember you are not alone in this, there are many of us who have gone through this before (and may still do so again). Just knowing that another understands exactly what you are feeling and going through (even if they are on the other side of the world), can be so empowering. Hold on, remember that your daughter/son is still under the monster like tentacles of the eating disorder and they need you and love you. They desperately want you to last the distance and be there for them. My daughter’s gratitude for me being her strength and foundation during her illness knows no bounds. That is reward and enough in itself. Believe and know that your daughter/son wants to be saved, deep down they don’t want to be sucked under with this illness.

Life With An Eating Disorder: Beautiful For Me

If you're playing catch up this week click here and here. 

Today I am honored to have Alexis Kennedy share with us. Alexis and her family actually lived in my same city and attended church with us, before moving several years ago. I haven't talked to her in quite some time, and then God crossed our path again through the blogsphere. I love how blogging reconnects people. And I love how cool God is. Have I said that before?

Grab a tissue. You will need one, or several, to make it through this post and the video at the end. 

. . .

“For so long now, I have put on a happy face, pretending that things aren’t falling apart on the inside. I walk around with a smile on my face so that others don’t know how I really feel. I don’t want to worry anybody, and I definitely don’t want anyone to think I’m a head case. But I’m tired. Tired of pretending.  Tired of trying to be something I’m not…happy.”

This was taken from my sister’s blog where, for a while, she would blog about her experiences and struggles with her eating disorder. I had known for a long time that something was consuming my sister, but it wasn’t until our Dad died in 1999 that I got a glimpse into her struggles. I vividly remember the day of my Dad’s funeral. I had walked by the bathroom in my parent’s house and heard my sister throwing up. I asked her if she was okay, but she denied throwing up and stated that she was “fine”. I didn’t really think much of it until she had her tonsils removed soon after. She had to be admitted back into the hospital due to unexpected bleeding, because she refused to drink the protein shakes they wanted her to in order to heal properly. It was that day in the hospital that my sister told us that she was bulimic.

Bulimia. I hate that word. Hate it so much that it makes me sick to my stomach and want to scream at the top of my lungs. Hate it because it has taken so much from my sister’s life…her identity and her zest for life…for so many years. There is nothing worse than watching someone you love struggle to love themselves.

Fast forward a few years…my sister had become pretty sick, and decided to check herself into an eating disorder treatment center. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for her to do that, but, for the first time, I felt relieved. I felt like I could stop holding my breath and relax because I knew she was being taken care of by people who understood this terrible disease. My mom and I attended weekly group sessions while she was in treatment, and I’m pretty sure this was the hardest thing I have ever had to do! You see, my family never liked to talk about our feelings or the “bad” things going on in our lives…we just kept it all inside, and put a smile on our faces as if nothing was wrong. Therapy brought out all of the struggles, resentments, and fears that we had all held deep inside for so long. It was mentally draining…but healing at the same time. It was during these sessions that I saw, for the first time, just how destructive bulimia had been to my sister…both physically and mentally.

 

Therapy ended and my sister looked the best she had in years! She was genuinely happy and looked healthy. However, I think this was the hardest time for me. I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to act, and didn’t know how to not “cross the line”. It was as if I was walking on egg shells every day.  They told us in therapy what things we ought to say and what we shouldn’t say. I was so afraid of messing up and causing her to slip back into her old ways…

However, about a year ago, I started to see my sister slowing fading away again. In therapy they also told us that this would happen…that people with eating disorders will have relapses and that we need to support them the best way we can. This is so hard for me to do! I feel so helpless and scared. I look at her and I see how sad and “distant” she is, and I don’t know how to “fix” it. I feel angry inside. Angry that her eating disorder is winning again…and angry at her for letting it win. I want to fix her problems and take them away…but I know I can’t; only God can heal her.

 

My hope is that one day my sister will see how beautiful she is, both inside and out. That she will wake up every day and think “I love my life” and “I love the person I am”. I hope there comes a day when I don’t worry that this disease will take her life. I pray every day that she will look to God for answers…that she will know she is never alone in this long, hard battle. I love her so much.

I will leave you with the lyrics to a song, by Nichole Nordeman, called “Beautiful For Me”. The first time I heard this song, I immediately thought of my sister. I hope the song will touch your heart like it did mine…

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Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What's the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you'll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
"Is that your best?" says the mirror to the mess
But there's a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says

Has anybody told you you're beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
'Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
If it's true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what's inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that's captivating
I wanna hear my Father say

Has anybody told you you're beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
'Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
Close your eyes
Look inside
Let me see the you that you've been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you're beautiful

Has anybody told you you're beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Yeah
'Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You're so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?

Life With An Eating Disorder: The Challenge To Stay

Last week we heard personal testimonies. Yesterday kicked off family member and friend testimonies and Sara shared her perspective via a letter written to her sister.

I had to rearrange a little this week as a few who were scheduled to guest post decided to pull out, due to concerns with confidentiality and privacy for their loved one. I completely understand and support their decision. In the spirit of our series I decided to write a little something for today. I know what you all are thinking, "You are the one with the ED history, and this week is about hearing from family and friends." True. Very true. But I thought long and hard over the last few days and I think, despite this little discrepancy, I can share from my heart and shed some light on how to stay connected with a loved one, or a friend who is struggling with an eating disorder, when the easier option would be to walk away. Because several people did this for me. I am eternally grateful.

. . .

The Challenge To Stay  

Staying connected to a friend or family member who has an ED is hard. Eating Disorders have a way of pulling the person farther and farther away from their world. Thus, the more the eating disorder sets in, the harder it is to stay rooted to your friend or loved one. This is so challenging on many levels. As one who cares and feels genuine concern, the last thing you want to do is pull away out of frustration. But how do you stay connected when (it feels like) you're the only one willing to do the work?

I want to give you three words. These three words were monumental to me in my walk and ultimately, in my progress. I am not a licensed therapist of any sort, yet I can say with boldness that these three concepts below, made a difference in those few people who journeyed with me through it all. Those few people who actively said "I am choosing to stay vs. walk away."

Patience
Be patient. If I have learned anything over the last few years it has been that patience is key. It is hard watching someone you love beat up their body and fall into the same trap over and over again. Yet try to meet them where they are, and don't expect a miracle overnight. When they cancel last minute dinner plans because the thought of going out to eat is just too hard, be patient. When they cannot muster up enough energy to make it to that girls weekend (that has been planned for months), be patient. When they fall into the trap and the (so it seems) never ending cycle of self harm, be patient. Giving the gift of patience will serve you, and your friend, far better in the long run. Eating disorders take a lot of time and energy to work through. And when you have just about had it, just take a second and reflect on how God showers you with patience each and every day. He has no perfect children after all.

Persistance
Be persistent. You will probably be the only one making effort to keep the friendship alive, at least for a while. You might ask your ED struggling friend to coffee fifteen times, only to be rejected all fifteen. This is where persistence kicks in. Ask a sixteenth. Be persistent. Eventually (and yes I mean eventually) your friend will say yes. What a shame if the yes was coming after invitation 16, but you had decided to give up instead after 15. Persistence communicates love in so many ways. Keep it up.

Prayer
Be prayerful. Prayer is so vitally important when you are feeling the tug between choosing to stay and walking away. Pray about everything, big and small. Pray that God will open your eyes and that He will grace you with wisdom of what to do, what to say, when to speak, and when to listen. Pray for those little milestones that one walking with an ED must reach. Pray for their family. Pray for their therapist. Pray boldly and specifically. Pray that they can drink that 2% milk without having a panic attack (Yes, I'm speaking from experience here). I cannot underestimate the power of prayer. It was so encouraging to me just knowing that others were lifting me up (especially when I did not have the courage to pray myself), and celebrating answers and victories along the way. And don't forget to pray for your ability to show patience and persistence as you walk this road.

So that is my encouragement to all of you friends and family members of one with an eating disorder.

Patience, persistence and prayer.

Is it challenging to stay? Yes.

Is it worth it? Absolutely.

Life With An Eating Disorder: A Love Letter To My Sister

Hi everyone! Hope you had a fantastic weekend. We sure did. Didn't do too much but sometimes that is exactly what we need. A little family time mixed with a little r&r is just necessary.

Today kicks off week two of our "Life With An Eating Disorder series." Last week we heard five testimonials from women who have, in some way or another, struggled with an eating disorder. I want to thank them again for their willingness to open up and share their world. I assure you this is not as easy task. Not at all. I applaud them for their transparency and bravery.

This week we will be hearing from family members and friends of one who has struggled with an eating disorder. Eating disorders effect more than just the person who has been diagnosed. Eating disorders effect the whole family. Friendships too. While in different ways from the one diagnosed, the entire family suffers, hurts and grieves. Friendships are strained. Eating disorders put a distance between those that should be the closest to us.

Wives, husbands, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters. . .

Here are their testimonies.

Today we are hearing from a gal named Sara (she asked that all other identifying info remain anonymous). She has watched her sister struggle with an eating disorder for many years, and is willing to share her heart in the form of a love letter. Her letter is below.

. . .

Love Letter To My Sister

Dear Sissy,

Somebody asked me, “What is it like to know a loved one with an eating disorder?”  Ironically it is the opposite – I feel like I do not know her.  You know all too well what life is like battling an ED.  I have no idea.  There is a fortress that the ED hides you inside; so far I have been left outside the walls.  One of the evil things about an ED is that it tries to convince the person it’s pursuing that the distorted eating behaviours associated with it are shameful.  What is the human response to shame?  We hide.  Rewind to Genesis … the ultimate in beginnings.  Adam & Eve are created by God for relationship with Him and relationship with each other.  Genesis 2:25 quite clearly reveals “they felt no shame.”  A mere 7 verses later “they felt shame” followed in the next verse by the decision to hide from God.  So here in this fallen world people initially respond to shame by hiding. 

For those of us who love the one hiding inside that fortress we struggle too – back and forth & up and down on the spectrum.  We’re frustrated.  We’re supportive.  We’re quiet (yes that’s it keep it hidden).  We’re noisy (pushing our way like a bull in a china shop). We ask questions trying to show we’re interested and we care to understand.  We don’t ask questions to show we are not nosy and we respect privacy.  It is such a fine line.  We want to cross it so we can be re-connected with the one on the other side of those walls, yet we don’t want to cross it and end up alienating and thereby losing what bit of connection remains. 

God created people.  God gets to define us.  My pastor says these words a lot and they have engraved themselves into my mind. They give complete clarity to identity and can improve the perspective of any seemingly hopeless situation.  The enemy has no (none, zero) power to say who we are.  The enemy has no ability to say that you are worth less … worth less than me, worth less than her. The enemy does not get to identify you as “an ED victim”.  In Truth you are a beloved child of God.  In Truth you are a beloved sister of mine.  This is your identity as defined by Our Sovereign Creator.  Nobody gets to change it or take it away.

God created people for relationship with Him and with each other.  He yearns for people to turn toward Him and to want that intimate connection that He is passionate for.  Similarly, those of us on the outside of the fortress wall yearn for their loved one to crack open that door, let the Light shine into the darkness of the ED’s fortress, and choose to re-connect with us.  To help us understand where you are so we can walk alongside you on this journey.  Sometimes we don’t express this well or even appropriately.  Maybe we express anger, or impatience, or ignorance, or any number of other unproductive reactions.  But at our core we just want to love you (and maybe haven’t figured out how to show it) and for you to love us back.

With Love, 

Your Sister Forever No Matter What