Dear Chance . . . Five Years in Heaven

Dear Chance, 

How has it been five years since I last saw your little face? I cannot believe how fast time seems to be passing us by. April 4, 2020 . . . you are celebrating five years in heaven. 

We think of you all the time, baby boy. Camille asks about you often and frequently sets an extra chair for you at dinner. She spontaneously told your entire story to a Chick-fil-a employee a few months back, which was so precious. You’ve put the hope of heaven in the heart of your sisters, too, and it’s life giving to see how that plays out over time.

Five years closer to seeing your sweet face again.

“We’ve been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God wets our appetite by giving us a taste of what’s ahead. He puts a little heaven in our hearts so that we’ll never settle for less. That’s why we live with such good cheer. You won’t see us dropping our heads or dragging our feet! Cramped conditions here don’t get us down. They only remind us of the spacious living conditions ahead. It’s what we trust in but don’t yet see that keeps us going. “ 2 Corinthians 5:5-8 MSG. 

Your tree in our backyard, gifted to us at your graveside service, bloomed FULLY these last few weeks, just as it does each year in March. I love that each year we have this symbolism of the cycle of beautiful life that comes from tragic death. 

Camille had 457 questions while looking through your memory book. One day I will have to explain that no, not all of the girls in our family were in the room watching the Doctor cut my tummy open and pull the baby out. :)

We celebrated with ice cream sundaes, courtesy of some super sweet friends who always think of us on your special day. 

Camille took this picture and was giggling the entire time. It reminded me of the truth . . .
Weeping lasts for a time but joy comes in the morning. 

TODAY Parenting Team . . . Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness (please read and vote!)

Hi Friends!

When the TODAY Parenting Team shared they were taking submissions for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness related material, I knew I wanted to submit a piece in honor of our son, Chance.

Would you take a minute to "vote up my article?" (You can vote once a day!) It would mean the world to me and my family. Each and every vote makes the post more visible to others who could benefit. And feel free to share on your social media channels.

Click here to read and vote. 

Can't believe we will soon be celebrating Chance's 5th year in heaven. How is that possible? Thank you in advance for your love and support.

Dear Chance . . . Four Years in Heaven

Dear Chance, 

Four years ago today you were born into heaven. 

How has it been F-O-U-R years? 

While you aren't with us, we think of you all the time and have plenty of conversations about our "baby brother" who lives with Jesus. We are so grateful you are part of our legacy. 

We visited your grave a few weeks ago, and we hope to go visit again this weekend for our annual family picture. 

Your tree, that was gifted to us by friends on the day of your memorial service, is in full bloom. It's our absolute favorite. As you can see, your sister, Camille, added a pink birdhouse to sit alongside the original blue one because, "I need a birdhouse next to my brother's." 

We started celebrating last night, a day early, since today is packed with your sister's activities (speech and occupational therapy for Clara and a preschool program for Camille). Your daddy picked up balloons and treats on the way home last night for all of us to enjoy! While we usually bake cupcakes and top them with blue icing, Camille was convinced that this year you would want the soft, sugar cookies from the bakery section because "Every little kid LOVES those cookies." They didn't have blue iced, but with two sisters, we figured pink would work just fine. :)

Clara clearly enjoying the mini chocolate cakes . . . every time I turned around she was snatching one!

Also, do you see that Clara has light-up TOYS in both hands??
Yep, she pooped on the potty right before our celebration.
Maybe we need to celebrate you big every single day! :)

We woke up this morning to lots of messages from family and friends, and balloons that SPELLED YOUR NAME, complete with a boy-themed birthday gift on the porch from sweet friends. Another friend dropped off a bouquet of beautiful flowers. You are not forgotten and we are so thankful! 

I have been fielding questions from your sister, Camille, on the regular. Such as... What does my brother look like in heaven? Can he see us? Can he see his balloons? Do you think his favorite colors are blue and green? What does my brother do all day in heaven? When I get to heaven will I know how to find baby Chance? Will Jesus help me find my brother? Do you think his favorite animal is an elephant? I think so because all little boys like elephants. Can we eat mac and cheese for dinner? I’m sure baby Chance would want mac and cheese on his birthday because all kids love mac and cheese.

We love you, Chance. 

Four years closer!

Do It Afraid

Over the past few months I have had the privilege of participating in several new, exciting opportunities. And by new and exciting I really mean I was honored to be asked, but I was literally scared to death to follow-through after giving a yes.

Both opportunities were something I felt the Lord nudging me toward, telling me to do, go, say yes, just do it afraid. To the point that if I said no, just because I was uncomfortable, I was being disobedient to His call.

Just do it afraid, Britt. If you wait until you feel ready or less anxious or fully prepared, you will never do it. The opportunity will have passed you by and who knows when it might come again. Just do it afraid. 

Just because we feel the fear doesn't mean it's not from God.

So I said yes to both - my first paid speaking opportunity and a fashion show fundraiser for the local Gigi's Playhouse. The first required a prepared speech to a roomful of approximately 50 women (where I knew only two) and the second required me to put on cute clothes (ok, that part was fun) and WALK DOWN A RUNWAY ALL ALONE AND POSE FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND DO ALL THE GESTURES WOMEN WHO WALK DOWN RUNWAYS DO ALL WHILE SEVERAL HUNDRED EYES STARED AT ME.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Those that know me well know that I am most comfortable behind a computer screen. As in, typing words in a room all by my little self. Just me and my coffee and my laptop. Not speaking words to a room full of people and most certainly not strutting up and down a runway.

Oh my goodness gracious.

I cannot begin to convey to you how nervous I was before both events. I ran to the restroom approximately fifteen times at each gathering. Sorry not sorry. This is just what happens when my nerves set in.

Because what if I screw it all up? What if I fail? What if I jumble my words while on stage or forget my points one through three? What if I am not the "type" of speaker they envisioned when they invited me and paid me actual dollars to come open my mouth and "inspire?" What if I fall while walking down a stinking runway? What if I throw up or pass out or . . . ?

The icing on the cake was when the woman running the fashion show (love you, Kathryn!) told me five minutes before I was to walk to JUST POP OFF MY JACKET HALFWAY DOWN THE RUNWAY AND THROW IT OVER MY SHOULDER.

I'm sorry, what? I don't even know what that means. I wear jean shorts and t-shirts approximately 3/4 of the year and how do you even just casually pop off a jacket while wearing it?

Y'all, I told her no.

This is where I draw the line, K. I obeyed the Spirit and I said yes and I will walk in this show but there will be no popping off the jacket. No ma'am. Ask the next girl.

The picture below is before she called me out as I was on stage and made me take it off.

Again. I basically died.

But y'all. There is so much I would have missed had I said no out of fear. And this lesson of just doing it afraid has really stuck with me the last few months. God has big, wide plans for us, experiences He longs to give us and share and delight in with us, and we often miss these good gifts because of nerves and assuming someone else is better suited for the job.

I would have missed hugging the necks of Hope Moms of West Texas, hearing their stories, and sharing together in their burdens and their joys. I would have missed eating a delicious meal of bbq and cornbread and cobbler and taking pictures together honoring our babies in heaven. I would have missed reconnecting with a friend from college who lost a baby at seven weeks old due to SIDS. I had no idea. Yet, because of a yes offered in fear, there is a connection between old friends that never would have been.

(pictures from the Hope Mommies West Texas Chapter event to come soon)

I would have missed getting to know a handful of new friends and families affiliated with Gigi's Playhouse. Several beautiful friendships have begun as a result of a "yes" when I really wanted to just pull a Jonah and run and hide. I'm looking at you Belinda, Nicole, Carly, and Mandy.

This is my new friend, Nicole. Love her so! 

So in an effort to encourage us all to just show up scared and do it afraid regardless of the outcome, I have been compiling quotes that speak to this dilemma and that have provided inspiration to me this year. I hope they inspire you to just do it afraid, too.

Let's feel the fear and do it anyway.

. . .

You’re not a winner because you won, you’re not a loser because you lost, you’re a participant because you tried. - Bob Goff 

I would rather fail trying then fail watching. - Bob Goff 

Success isn’t final, failure isn’t fatal but the courage to keep going and live into your dreams is what matters. - Christy Wright

I want to lean in with the spirit of faith, and not pull back with a spirit of fear. - Christine Caine

And I, for one, would rather fail at something I love than succeed at something I don’t. - Mark Batterson, Whisper

I don’t want to fail by failing to try. - Unknown 

The measure of who we are is how we react to something that doesn’t go our way. - Gregg Popovich , pro basketball coach

On the other side of your fear is your freedom - Jen Sincere

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill

The only difference between fear and excitement is the name I give it - Unknown 

Courage is doing things even when you’re scared. Being brave isn’t something that happens when you’re not scared anymore. Brave people don’t stop hearing the whispers of fear. They hear the whispers but take action anyway. Being brave is hearing that voice of fear in your head, but saying, “Okay, but the truth is, God made me on purpose and for a purpose.” - Annie F. Downs

. . . 

Your turn . . . What's your Do It Afraid assignment? 

Dear Chance . . . Three Years In Heaven

Dear Chance,

Today we celebrated your third year in heaven. Today, three years ago, I birthed you from my body, held you in my arms, studied your face, and couldn't believe I was a mama to a little boy.

I miss you so much and think of you often. While I wish you were here with us, I am confident you are living out your God given purpose in heaven.

Much fruit has come from your 20 weeks of life and birth and entrance into heaven. Only fruit that God could see in advance and arrange in his bigger-picture-kind-of-way. The fruit doesn't always take away the sadness, but it does give purpose to your short life and for that I am so thankful!

Here is how we celebrated you today . . .

Dropped off Clara to school decked out in our blue (and pink because jackets were neecssary)!

(Side note: We were 1.5 hours late dropping her off because your crazy sisters wanted to pretend they were newborn babies last night and woke up 345x. I can't even make this stuff up. Camille was crying because she needed water. Camille was crying because she rolled off her blanket on the floor. Yes, she has been requesting to sleep on the floor. I don't even know. Camille was crying because a mean chicken was chasing her. Clara was up because she stowed a tiny toy away in her covers and wanted to play all night long. Your sisters are cray some days/nights.)

After drop off, we met Aunt Ashley at our favorite park for a play-date. The weather was amazing and the sun shining and it set the nicest mood for the day.

We came home from the park to find a birthday cake and balloons from friends! Our people haven't forgotten you, Chance. I am so thankful.

After lunch, Camille and I made cupcakes in your honor. . . Funfetti flavored with blue icing of course, per tradition.

Once Clara was home from school and daddy home from work, we visited the cemetery where you were buried and released balloons. We later enjoyed a pizza dinner together and some good, quality time as a family. It was a perfect day (just like you!) and while there was a bit of sadness, there was also plenty of smiles going around.

Happy birthday, baby boy!

Three years closer!!!

Love,
Mommy

P.S. It's important to note that your sister, Camille, now understands that you live in heaven and not Hawaii. She was a bit confused last year, but we've been working on our theology since then. However, she asked me today, completly serious, if you are a dog or a kid up in heaven. So, apparently we still have some work to do.

The Hope Mommies E-Book Is Here!

Several weeks ago Hope Mommies announced the release of the 2018 e-book created for Hope Moms, "Heard." 

It. Is. Incredible. 

And the best part? You can download this e-book for free to read articles, make your way through a devotional study, read a Hope Mom's open letter to her Hope Baby, and more. 

"It's in these moments of deep vulnerability, transparency during the storm, choosing to share with God the state of our hearts instead of conceal, that we open ourselves up to His truth that our spirits so desperately need." - Amen and amen. 

Click here to access this free resource. 

I was thrilled and honored to work on this project alongside several other women who long to bring encouragement to women experiencing pregnancy loss. 

Have you walked the road of pregnancy loss? Recently or years ago?

Do you know someone, a dear friend or acquaintance or a friend of a friend who has lost a baby? If so, can I encourage you to take a peak at this e-book and/or pass it along?

Hope and healing is within reach, dear sisters. We face trails of many kinds, yes, but we do not despair because the King of Kings and Lord of Lords lives and reigns and praise God, this world is not the end of the story. We will not be overcome by circumstance because Jesus has already overcome. 

Hope Mommies was an invaluable resource to me when I lost Chance several years ago (and still is!), and I have no doubt this ministry will continue to impact the lives of women all over the world. 

#HMEbook#HMHeard

#IAmAHopeMom

Grateful for the Gift of Grace

I am honored to introduce you to my new friend, Kara, who is blessing us with a guest post today, on Thanksgiving holiday. Kara is a member of the Loved Baby tribe, an online support group for women who have experienced pregnancy loss of any form.

While walking the road of loss or trauma or any devastating heartache, the holidays can feel bittersweet. We're supposed to feel thankful, yet the hardships of life seem to override all the blessings. If that's you this Thanksgiving, you're not alone.

I love that Kara reminds us that even in the pain, we can be thankful for the grace of God, which in turn helps us extend grace to ourselves and grace to others during times of sorrow. The reminder that grace is a gift, in any and every season, and when we can recognize this, freedom is found. Such an important reminder when you're in the valley and can't quite see the mountaintop.

Enjoy her beautiful words . . .

Grateful for the Gift of Grace

By Kara Creel

“If you don’t remember anything else I say, remember this: 
You did nothing to cause this; this is not your fault.”

I didn’t realize it at the time, but my doctor’s words were the first of many extensions of grace I would receive over the coming days and weeks.

I remember crying in the shower, sobbing so deeply from chest that it was hard to breathe, “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.” I would remember my doctor’s words, and take comfort in them. Then I would cry out to the Lord to carry me through those dark moments.

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’” 2 Corinthians 12: 8-9

Gratitude was easy in the days that followed losing our sweet baby. Support came pouring in from every corner of our little universe. Our loved ones brought meals and flowers, women who had walked this path before me reached out to me and spoke brave, life-giving words into my heart, and those who were not sure how to comfort me showed up willing to meet me in my mess, and just listen. In this season of thanksgiving, I have had no shortage of blessings to count.

I tried to push forward, and returned to work just five days after surgery. I was terrified of dropping the ball professionally. I made it through one full day, and at around 10:00 the following morning, I felt myself unraveling. I stared at my blurry computer screen as the tears came pouring from my eyes. I asked one of my co-workers and dear friends to come to my office; I thought I just needed someone to talk to. As I struggled to catch my breath through my sobs, she quietly closed the door behind me.Her eyes were filled with compassion as she said, “I’m cancelling your meetings and will talk to our supervisor. You have to go home, Kara. I am not leaving until you pack up your stuff. Go home and rest. Come back next week.” In that moment, she offered me the grace I was unwilling to give myself. My gratitude intensified, as I was acutely aware of the effort being made on my behalf by my work family. My colleagues offered me grace upon grace as they gave me time to work from home and catch up as I could.

Grace abounded in my personal relationships, as well. If the walls of our home could speak, they would tell you the most beautiful love story I have ever known. In the days following the loss of our baby, I all but lost sight of the woman I so desperately strived to be prior to that day. Every ball I tried to juggle, task I sought to accomplish, ambition I attempted to fulfill, obligation I was determined to meet, and dream I longed to achieve came crashing to the ground as I broke into one million pieces. I am a shell of the person I used to be, completely debilitated by my pain. Despite his own sorrow, my husband has yet to drop the ball in terms of caring for our family. He has wiped every tear, calmed my grief-ridden and anxious heart, and never once stopped believing in me. He has arranged every meal, washed every dish, and handled every detail around the house. He has taken impeccable care of our daughter, our dog, and me, and never once complained. He is the great love of my life, the kindest, bravest human I know, and I have never been more thankful that the Lord chose him to be my husband. His capacity for giving grace in light of the greatestheartache we have faced as a couple has left me with an appreciation for him that I will carry with me all the days of my life.

I have diligently sought Jesus in every place I know to look for Him throughout this journey. A precious spiritual mentor of mine, who has experienced tremendous heartache of her own, encouraged me to “lean into the Lord.” She urged me to journal and spend time in scripture, explaining that one day I would look back at my time of grief and recall some of my most intimate moments with Jesus. I have taken her advice, and continue to be keenly aware and in awe of His presence. Day after day, as I have struggled through my heartache, I have relished in some of the most powerful spiritual experiences of my life. I finally understand the expression “God’s living word” as it relates to the bible; the Holy Spirit has breathed His truth into my heart through the pages of Psalms, Ephesians, Romans, Corinthians and the gospels.

“The word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” John 1:14

I wish I could say that I was prepared to give grace to others in the magnitude that I was receiving it. However, there were times when I felt like I was being ignored, avoided, or that my pain was being minimized. Other times, a weightless remark would leave me feeling as though I had been stabbed in the heart. Now and then, a sobbing outburst would ensue and I would completely lose my composure, or my temper, or my ability tothink rationally, or all of the above. 

What was wrong with me? Was I not growing as a person as a result of this loss? Had I not gained an eternal perspective I did not possess prior to this experience? During one particularly overwhelming conversation, I felt a rage come over me and I lashed out in anger. I stood in my front yard yelling harsh words into my phone, shoulders heaving, voice cracking, and heart breaking. I was immediately remorseful and cried out to God for forgiveness. I was so ashamed of my reactions and behavior. As I listened for the Lord’s provision, I knew that He was teaching me something in my sin and weakness.

“In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.”  Romans 6: 11 - 14

I remembered that grace was a gift that I also needed to give. I began to pray each morning for the ability to give grace when I felt hurt. That changed everything. I felt so much freedom when I extended Christ’s grace to another of His children. 

Over time, I realized that I am growing as a person, after all. I have gained an eternal perspective that I did not possess before.For I now have a vibrant understanding of one of the Lord’s most precious gifts to us. During this season of thanksgiving, I am so marvelously grateful for our heavenly Father’s gift of grace, and to our precious, tiny baby, who grew our hearts exponentially in such a brief period on this earth.

“Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.”  2 Peter 1:2

And the Winner of the Loved Baby Devotional is . . .

Congrats, Karen! Please email me your complete mailing address and I will get the Loved Baby Devotional in the mail to you this week. 

Thinking of all the women (and men) lighting candles tonight in honor of their babes in heaven. Praying for peace and healing and joy, even in heartbreaking loss.

Loved Baby Devotional Review (In Honor of National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day)

October is National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Month. A time set aside by President Reagan to honor families whose babies have died and to provide resources. 

Sarah Philpott wrote a phenomenal book that released this month. I had the privilege of reading the manuscript before it was released to the public. If you or someone you know has walked the road of pregnancy loss, in any capacity, I highly recommend this book as a tool, resource and guide to grief and ultimately, healing.

Not only is the book beautiful, it touches on so many areas of loss that are typically "hushed," such as questioning the why behind loss, permission to grieve and feel the weight of sadness, navigating depression and anxiety, words that hurt, sexual intimacy post loss, and how to untangle seeds of anger and jealousy. 

"We shouldn't be ashamed of our emotions of anger, jealousy, and sadness. Instead we should cry out to the Lord and express our inner turmoil. This is a type of intimate, personal relationship that we were designed to have with God. Don't try to hide your emotions. Instead pour out your heart. He can handle it." - p. 47. 

But not only does this book hit the hard topics, it encourages the reader to take hold of laughter, joy, and hope. Sarah encourages the reader to create rituals around their loved baby, honor their child's due date, choose joy over fear, and ultimately reframe the term "due date," from the day our baby should have been born, to our eternal, heavenly home. This brings such perspective and hope, as our babies might have lost time on earth but they are absolutely blooming in heaven. 

Each chapter includes soul work and prayer time, which pushes the griever into a deeper place of reflection and healing. Scripture is scattered throughout the chapters as well. There is space for the reader to "write their story," by recording information and details about their precious baby in heaven. I love this so much and can attest that writing out details of my pregnancy with Chance and his birth and burial has brought immense hope and healing. 

My family is humbled and honored that Sarah choose to include a bit of our story in Chapter 24: Honor the Due Date: Aloha to Heaven. After reading my post on social media I shared shortly after Chance's second birthday, Sarah asked permission to include this tidbit about our family in her book. I love how the title of the chapter reflects how we feel about our son and his life. He is living the dream, living the life, full of endless joy and eternal bliss, which as Camille (our 3 year old daughter) likes to say, is just like Hawaii. Our story is just one of many shared in Loved Baby. 

In honor of National Infant and Pregnancy Loss month, Sarah's publisher gave me one copy of Loved Baby to give away to a reader. Simply comment on this post and a winner will be chosen at random and announced this Sunday, October 15th (National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day). If you have not experienced infant or pregnancy loss, please still consider entering the giveaway. This book is perfect to have on-hand for the future, when your friend or family member walks the road of loss. 

To purchase a copy of Loved Baby, click here. 

(Also, here is the link to the Loved Baby support group. Sarah founded this group three years ago and it is a safe place for women to share and seek and give support. I joined this group in 2015 when I lost Chance. In 2016, I was honored to join Sarah and several other amazing women as an administrator for the group. We work hard in making sure women feel safe & that their hearts are protected from the comments of trolls or people who don't really understand. You are welcome to join, to share the group, and to also bookmark it to recommend to others at a later date. We created it to be like a table--where women can communicate. We don't necessarily "lead" a lesson or do a study. We just want it to be a tribe of women organically sharing resources, prayers, and support.)

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4