Dear Chance . . . Five Years in Heaven

Dear Chance, 

How has it been five years since I last saw your little face? I cannot believe how fast time seems to be passing us by. April 4, 2020 . . . you are celebrating five years in heaven. 

We think of you all the time, baby boy. Camille asks about you often and frequently sets an extra chair for you at dinner. She spontaneously told your entire story to a Chick-fil-a employee a few months back, which was so precious. You’ve put the hope of heaven in the heart of your sisters, too, and it’s life giving to see how that plays out over time.

Five years closer to seeing your sweet face again.

“We’ve been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God wets our appetite by giving us a taste of what’s ahead. He puts a little heaven in our hearts so that we’ll never settle for less. That’s why we live with such good cheer. You won’t see us dropping our heads or dragging our feet! Cramped conditions here don’t get us down. They only remind us of the spacious living conditions ahead. It’s what we trust in but don’t yet see that keeps us going. “ 2 Corinthians 5:5-8 MSG. 

Your tree in our backyard, gifted to us at your graveside service, bloomed FULLY these last few weeks, just as it does each year in March. I love that each year we have this symbolism of the cycle of beautiful life that comes from tragic death. 

Camille had 457 questions while looking through your memory book. One day I will have to explain that no, not all of the girls in our family were in the room watching the Doctor cut my tummy open and pull the baby out. :)

We celebrated with ice cream sundaes, courtesy of some super sweet friends who always think of us on your special day. 

Camille took this picture and was giggling the entire time. It reminded me of the truth . . .
Weeping lasts for a time but joy comes in the morning. 

Dear Chance . . . Three Years In Heaven

Dear Chance,

Today we celebrated your third year in heaven. Today, three years ago, I birthed you from my body, held you in my arms, studied your face, and couldn't believe I was a mama to a little boy.

I miss you so much and think of you often. While I wish you were here with us, I am confident you are living out your God given purpose in heaven.

Much fruit has come from your 20 weeks of life and birth and entrance into heaven. Only fruit that God could see in advance and arrange in his bigger-picture-kind-of-way. The fruit doesn't always take away the sadness, but it does give purpose to your short life and for that I am so thankful!

Here is how we celebrated you today . . .

Dropped off Clara to school decked out in our blue (and pink because jackets were neecssary)!

(Side note: We were 1.5 hours late dropping her off because your crazy sisters wanted to pretend they were newborn babies last night and woke up 345x. I can't even make this stuff up. Camille was crying because she needed water. Camille was crying because she rolled off her blanket on the floor. Yes, she has been requesting to sleep on the floor. I don't even know. Camille was crying because a mean chicken was chasing her. Clara was up because she stowed a tiny toy away in her covers and wanted to play all night long. Your sisters are cray some days/nights.)

After drop off, we met Aunt Ashley at our favorite park for a play-date. The weather was amazing and the sun shining and it set the nicest mood for the day.

We came home from the park to find a birthday cake and balloons from friends! Our people haven't forgotten you, Chance. I am so thankful.

After lunch, Camille and I made cupcakes in your honor. . . Funfetti flavored with blue icing of course, per tradition.

Once Clara was home from school and daddy home from work, we visited the cemetery where you were buried and released balloons. We later enjoyed a pizza dinner together and some good, quality time as a family. It was a perfect day (just like you!) and while there was a bit of sadness, there was also plenty of smiles going around.

Happy birthday, baby boy!

Three years closer!!!

Love,
Mommy

P.S. It's important to note that your sister, Camille, now understands that you live in heaven and not Hawaii. She was a bit confused last year, but we've been working on our theology since then. However, she asked me today, completly serious, if you are a dog or a kid up in heaven. So, apparently we still have some work to do.

Dear Chance . . . Two Years in Heaven

Dear Chance,

We celebrated YOU yesterday, on your second birthday. How has it been two years? I find that parents say this regardless on their child's milestone days and regardless of it they live on earth or up in heaven. Time just keeps going on by, but sweet one, we think of you. every. single. day.

We kicked off your special day Monday evening by baking cupcakes, complete with blue icing and sprinkles. Your big sister, Camille, had a ball creating the perfect treat for you.

Your daddy took a half-day off work on your birthday and we went to your grave site as a family, as is our tradition. We love having a place to visit you, even though we know you are walking with Jesus, not laying in the ground.

Your sisters just make themselves at home on the grave markers all around you . . . Ahem . . .

Sweet friends left balloons and another family left a card on your grave. What a thoughtful gesture. Since mommy didn't have time to stop at the store for balloons, this was perfect, and we were still able to do our annual balloon release.

Our friends, your friends, showed up in BIG ways, again, and we were left breathless and wrapped in God's love and tangible presence. What a dear community we have. They love us, love YOU, and they thank God for how you have impacted their world's as well. You are not forgotten, Chance, and their honoring of you confirms that.

Friends wore their blue . . .

Sneakily delivered a cooler of goodies, balloon, and a birthday cake and card to our back porch, right next to your tree. . .

They visited your grave and had conversations about heaven . . .

Delivered flowers with sweet notes . . .

Released balloons in your honor . . .

And delivered dinner complete with adorable drawings . . .

Chance, I think back on your birthday two years ago and I am filled with such bittersweet emotion. The memories of that day just flood my mind. I will always love you and miss you and I appreciate how your short life continues to point us back to what truly matters . . . Jesus, shining light, and eternity. Your little life did not leave little impact.

I love you, my son. I wish you were here, but I am honored to be your mommy even if we are separated for this short time. Happy birthday, baby boy!

P.S. Camille continues to believe you live in Hawaii. I try to correct her, but I guess heaven is a bit like Hawaii, right? :)

Love,
Mommy