A Joy Renewed

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2012 . . . a few videos

2012-03-02T08:11:00.001-06:00

If you or someone you know could be suffering from any type of eating disorder, please don't hesitate to get help. We are talking about a human life. A. Human. Life. You are worth fighting for. I think so.

God thinks so. I hope & pray you do too.

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2012: Q&A session w/ Sarah

2012-02-28T06:00:00.004-06:00

Like I mentioned in this post, during my early days of recovery I researched, read books, news articles and ED focused blogs to help spur my recovery in a positive direction. I have no idea how I came across certain ED recovery blogs but I just so happened to stumble upon Sarah's blog. Sarah posted about her ED past, recovery, body image, and how her life is better NOW that it ever was living with her anorexia. I wanted that life. I kept reading. It was a long time before I ever commented on her blog (a few years!) and as it turns out we now both read each others blogs and email from time to time.

In honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week I asked Sarah if she would do a Q&A session with me for the blog. She happily agreed. I hope the questions and responses will give you just a little more insight into the life/mind of one who is struggling with an eating disorder.

(Disclaimer: I was contacted a few weeks ago by a Missouri high school junior who was working on an ED focused research paper. She asked is she could interview me and I agreed. I thought many of her questions were well stated and highlighted important issues as it relates to various ED's, therefore I used many of her original questions for Sarah, while some were altered slightly.)

________________________________________

How old were you when you began dealing with “disorderly eating”, anorexia, or bulimia? How old were you when you began recovery?

I experienced my first bout of anorexia at 14. As a child, I was slightly overweight and generally miserable about my appearance. The summer before my freshman year of high school I decided to lose some weight. I started out by cutting calories and exercising and, like so many girls who start to struggle with disorderly eating, I spiraled out of control. I lost about 60 pounds in two months by drastically eliminating most food (and calories) from my diet. My mom was obviously worried about my weight loss and took me to a nutritionist who helped me get back on track.

I did extremely well with recovery until my sophomore year of college. A close guy friend (who my best friend and I ate most of our meals with) started making comments about girl’s bodies at the dining hall. He called several girls my size overweight, and it triggered my relapse. Thus began a seven-year battle for my life. I was definitely more reluctant to get help and to get better at an older age. I also dropped down to the lowest weight of my life- at one point I weighed 89 pounds, and I’m 5’8.”

In retrospect, I wish that I would have separated myself from my friend’s negative body talk right away, but I honestly don’t think I realized what was happening at the time. I almost think a relapse was inevitable for me because I didn’t deal with many of the psychological issues related to my disorder at a young age. Also my mother spurred my recovery at age 14 whereas my most recent recovery was brought on by myself and my desire to live. That variance is definitely important. I have done a tremendous amount of work and introspection to get better.

Take me through a typical day for you while dealing with the disorder: your thoughts, how you ate, your interactions with others, etc.
My life was so sad while dealing with anorexia. I had to weigh myself immediately after I woke up. I would pee (to make sure that I didn’t have any extra weight on me) and then step on the cold, metal scale. If I weighed less than my norm for that day (and this norm varied as my weight dropped lower and lower), I was in a fantastic mood. If it was higher, even by a pound, I was a miserable grump. After weighing myself I’d get ready for work, stare at the bony ribs protruding through my skin a few times in the mirror to make sure I looked skinny, and then eat an apple for breakfast. Since I didn’t fuel myself properly, I found it difficult to concentrate at work. My mind was foggy, and my stomach was empty. Eventually I’d go home for lunch and eat 10 wheat crackers, 3 slices of turkey, and a few carrots and celery sticks. (I was still understandably hungry after this measly lunch.) After work, I’d rush home and take an hour and a half long walk to take my mind off of my hunger. I rarely joined my friends for dinner plans or drinking dates. And if I did, I would stick to a glass of water and be subjected to many stares. Eventually I’d eat dinner by myself. It was usually a large salad of romaine, carrots, and tomatoes with some chicken and no dressing.

During a particularly dark part of my disorder, I did start to struggle with episodes of binging and purging. I’ve heard this behavior is quite typical for girls and women battling anorexia. You’re just so hungry that it becomes hard to resist food. So you eat too much, feel guilty and sick, and then throw up. Contrary to popular misconception about purging, I didn’t stick my finger down my throat. The purging was actually my body’s response to eating too much food at one time because my stomach shrunk significantly.

Sometimes, girls who struggle with eating disorders who have lost an immense amount of weight still think they are “overweight” or “fat.” Did you feel like no matter how much weight you lost, you were still never “skinny enough?” Please explain.

I find this question to be very interesting and important. As I started to lose weight, I knew that I was skinny. At several points I even knew I was too skinny. But it was the fear of gaining more weight that caused my weight to plummet and my disease to get worse. I could never imagine myself being a normal weight. I had to be skinny. And I had to stay skinny despite how sick I got.

Were you open with your peers, family members, etc, about your struggle? If not immediately, at what point were you able to honestly discuss your struggle?
By nature, I’m actually a very private person. (I speak openly about my struggles on my blog because I want to help people and truly believe it’s necessary to erase the stigma associated with eds.) I was honest with my mom primarily because she knew that something was wrong. Eventually two of my close friends from high school called me out about my weight, but I remember feeling sort of angry about it. Not because I didn’t know something was wrong. I did. But because they didn’t understand what I was going through. A lot of people talk to women with eating disorders like they’re dumb. I can’t tell you how many times people told me to “just eat.” If it were that easy, I would have done just that. As I started to take steps toward my own recovery, I did open up to my one best friend and Dennis, my current boyfriend of four years (who I started dating at the beginning of my recovery). To this day, I haven’t discussed my battles with many of my close friends, although I’m sure they knew what was going on by my extreme thinness and behavior.

Did the media have any effect on your development of the eating disorder? If so, how?
No, I really don’t think the media had much of an effect on my disorder. Although I was told several times when I was super skinny that I would make an excellent model. I still find it quite disturbing that emaciated frames are so frequently featured on the runway and in high fashion magazines.

At what point did you realize you needed to recover? Or decide you wanted to recover?
My turning point came after a very scary incident when I ended up in the ER. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack because my chest had stabbing pains, and my left arm became numb. It turned out that I was severely dehydrated, and my electrolytes were dangerously out of balance. I talked the hospital into letting me go home instead of admitting me, but I did have to have a follow-up appointment with my general practitioner. He was the best doctor that I’ve ever had. He was the only one who addressed my ed and told me that he knew something was wrong. (Two other doctors before him acted like my weight was normal.) He assured me that he could help me find treatment and that things could and needed to get better quickly. His words and foresight sparked my efforts to actually recover.

Best/worst thing your family/friends did for you during your struggle?

As I mentioned, my mother was very supportive. It was very important that she let me talk and call her whenever I needed her. People telling me that I was gaining weight, although they meant to be complimentary, was destructive to my recovery. It became very triggering for me.

What got you through the hardest recovery days?

I have always been very ambitious and hard working. And I have big dreams. Knowing that I could get my life back, that I could return to my true self, got me through my worst days. I wanted to live my life. I didn’t want to be stuck in a world where everything revolved around food and my rigid behavior. It’s only now that I finally feel like myself again. I have passions- like writing, singing, dancing, and acting- that make me so happy. I’m only glad that I can now do these things without feeling stifled by my disorder.

If you had to give someone struggling with an eating disorder just one piece of recovery advice what would it be? If you had to give one piece of advice to the family of someone with an eating disorder what would it be?
My greatest piece of advice is simply that life without an ed is far better than a life with one. Even on my worst, most trying days. I’d rather be where I am today than trapped by anorexia.

For families and friends, it’s so important to be supportive. Most likely you don’t understand what your loved one is going through, so you need to be loving and non-judgmental. There are points when a person with an ed needs extra help whether that is a nutritionist, psychologist or a stay at an in-treatment center. Anorexia and bulimia are deadly diseases, so family and friends do need to be aware of situations when their loved one’s life is in severe jeopardy. NEDA is a great resource for those times.

Was recovery worth it? Please explain.
Oh, my goodness. Recovery was definitely worth it. I am so much happier now than I’ve been in years. I really do find so much pleasure in things that scared me to death when I struggled. I love cooking delicious meals for Dennis and me and actually eating the food I cook. I like going out to dinner with friends. I don’t have to eat the same thing every single day. I have energy to do the things that I love. And I have the hope that I can make a difference in the world. I never felt that way when I was sick.

Anything else you would like to add?
Even though I am in recovery and have been better for several years, I don’t know if an eating disorder ever goes away completely. I constantly need to question my behavior and make sure that I don’t fall into many of the traps of my past (like allowing negative body comments to affect me or to restrict my caloric intake). I try to live a balanced life, which includes healthy eating (and treats!), exercise, and a great deal of introspection.
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A big thanks to Sarah for her willingness to participate and share part of her story!! Don't forget to check out her blog. Check out more of her specific posts on recovery & body image by clicking here.

I hope and pray that you are taking some time this week to reflect on these topics and issues. Please. . . if you suspect that you or someone you know is struggling with any type of eating disorder please do not hesitate to reach out for help. It is not too late to reclaim your life. Recovery is worth it. I promise.

(Source)

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2012

2012-02-26T06:00:00.008-06:00

Today kicks of National Eating Disorders Awareness week. A week dedicated to shedding light and awareness on eating disorders and eating disorder recovery is near and dear to my heart so I hope to post a little this week on the topic. This year the awareness week runs February 26, 2012 - March 3, 2012. For more information on the main National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) click here.

Some quick info on The NEDA (Source) :

Organization = The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) is a non-profit organization dedicated to supporting individuals and families affected by eating disorders. We campaign for prevention, improved access to quality treatment, and increased research funding to better understand and treat eating disorders. We work with partners and volunteers to develop programs and tools to help everyone who seeks assistance. Since 1999, our national toll-free helpline has assisted families, friends and individuals find appropriate treatment. NEDA is proud that our website serves as an entry point for people around the globe to find information on eating disorders. We serve as an important and welcome first stop for those searching for resources.
Mission = NEDA supports individuals and families affected by eating disorders, and serves as a catalyst for prevention, cures and access to quality care.
Vision = NEDA envisions a world without eating disorders.
History = NEDA was formed in 2001, when Eating Disorders Awareness & Prevention (EDAP) joined forces with the American Anorexia Bulimia Association (AABA) – merging the largest and longest standing eating disorders prevention and advocacy organizations in the world. The merger was the most recent in a series of alliances that has also included the National Eating Disorder Organization (NEDO) and the Anorexia Nervosa & Related Disorders (ANRED).

(Source)

To kick off the week I thought I would link up to a few sites that share some insight on eating disorders and/or thoughts on body image:

(Source)

Whether you, or someone you know or love, has directly experienced an eating disorder, I hope you can take a few minutes to reflect this week on the significance of the illness and how it is, unfortunately, far too widespread in todays society. Taking just a moment today to reflect on the issues could prevent a lifetime of hurt and struggle. Remember how special you are, how much you are loved and, most importantly, how much God values YOU for who you are TODAY.

More to come this week. . .

5 year anniversary + babymoon surprise

2012-02-17T06:00:00.000-06:00

This past Friday (2/10/12) Brandon and I celebrated our five year anniversary! I knew Brandon had something up his sleeve when he asked me "What time do you get off work Friday?" followed up by "Well... can you get off any earlier?" Long story short Brandon ended up emailing the family I work for and asked if I could get off by 2pm, so that we could head out of town. Anyways, Monday - Friday of last week Brandon had a bunch of our close friends text me with "hints" about where we might be going to celebrate our anniversary. Everyone had an assigned day to send their text. I had everything texted to me from camping, to traveling to Abilene to stay at a bed and breakfast, to Fredericksburg, to Oklahoma, to Alabama and a general road trip. I was fooled with the very first text thinking "Oh my gosh... they ruined the surprise!!" Yet once Tuesday rolled around and I received more messages like the first, I knew he was just trying to throw me off. Thank goodness, because I was not really looking forward to going camping being 28 weeks pregnant and all! :) Call me crazy.

I got home from work Friday and Brandon had the car packed with the necessities (I checked high and low for sleeping bags. . . none to be found!) and a cooler filled with food for the weekend. He had actually taken the day off to prep for the trip. We headed out and after a few minutes I had a general guess that we are heading to Austin. I still wasn't sure exactly where and knew that some bed and breakfast establishments have a full kitchen for guests so that option was still a possibility in my mind. After a few minutes I blurted out "You are taking me to Katherine's parents lake house in Austin!" Brandon just smiled this little smirk but I wasn't sure if it was a "you are right smirk" or a "you have no clue smirk."

Ends up I was right in my guess!! Brandon had arranged with our college friends for us to use their parents lake house, on lake Travis, for the weekend. It is a VERY nice, luxurious house, that we have been to several times with a big group of college friends. I immediately became SO EXCITED! If I could pick anywhere to relax and do NOTHING it would be this lake house.

We arrived about 7pm Friday night. When we arrived we were greeted with the package and note below from my friend Katherine and her momma, Millie. They were so sweet to come up before we arrived and drop off some candy and a baby present for Clara. So special!

We got settled and made a pizza and salad for dinner. After dinner Brandon pulls out a basket full of goodies for me. Check out the stash below. A ton of stuff for pampering myself all weekend - a face mask, epsom salt to soak my swollen ankles, foot cream, a back massage brush, nose strips (yes, I think these things are cool) and these Flex-Tastic gel things you stick between your toes to help with overall foot circulation (which was perfect considering my left foot was enormous by that time at night).

Here I am putting the mask and Flex-Tastic to use. I was in heaven. We watched Iron Man (well I watch some of it) and passed out by 9:45pm. I know... party animals.

Brandon told me to wake him up Saturday morning once I was hungry because he had breakfast planned. I was up by 5am and by 7am was famished so I took his advice and woke him. :) He proceeded to make whole wheat blueberry pancakes, topped with maple syrup and peanut butter (have I mentioned I have a PB problem? I know... it's bad). He ate 1/2 of one pancake. I ate 2 + his other half. Don't judge.

We lounged around for the majority of the morning and eventually ventured out to do some shopping at an outdoor mall, the Hill Country Galleria. We arrived there at 11am and I was already starving (imagine that) so we headed straight into Panera Bread for a quick lunch before shopping. Thanks Brandon for snapping a picture of me stuffing my face with soup & a panini sandwich. Had to get you back.

After some shopping (only walked away with a magazine and discounted book from Barnes and Noble) we headed back to the lake house. I promptly plopped myself back on the couch, feet propped up, blanket in place and just made myself comfortable. Brandon then asked "Hey - I packed some 'healthy' brownies for us. Want me to make them?" Um yes please. (Healthy meaning they were lower in sugar, that's all!) That question quickly lead to the following along with the movies You've Got Mail and The Devil Wears Prada . . .

We played a little ping pong. . .

And then I played some old school piano. . . you know, songs I learned in 5th grade. . . I'm cool like that.

A while later we decided it was time for some dinner. Brandon had packed lots of options for us and we decided on grilled chicken, grilled shrimp, and some sautéed onions and bell peppers along with brown rice. Was delicious except I had to abort the shrimp after the first few bites. Totally started to gross me out (a pregnancy thing). Does it look like all I did was eat all weekend? If so, it's because I did. Don't worry, I managed to resist eating yet another brownie after dinner.

After dinner we started the movie Music & Lyrics with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. It was just ok in my opinion. But then again I really can't give it a fair rating since I, once again, fell asleep mid way through. Surprise surprise.

Sunday morning/early afternoon we just hung around the lake house until about 1pm when we headed back home (sigh. tear). We somehow managed to balance my Iphone on the coffee table to take a pic together.

By Sunday when we left my ankles were less swollen than they have been in a LONG TIME. I was so relaxed. It was the perfect anniversary present + babymoon. We figure this to be our babymoon also since we don't really have any trips planned before Clara arrives.

A HUGE thanks to Brandon for planning the perfect getaway weekend. It was so fun to get out of town and relax/hang out together. Happy 5 years Brandon, love ya! You are the best!

My Dear Body Letter

2012-02-13T10:49:00.000-06:00

Dear Body,
Wow... what an adventure we have been on over the last few years. It is amazing for me to think what all we have been through together. Some highs and some definite lows but through it all you were STRONG and remained faithful to me. Thank you just doesn't seem to cut it but. . . thank you.

I need to start off by saying "I'm sorry." I'm sorry for all the junk I put you through when I was acting selfishly and denying you proper nutrition and sustenance. I took you for granted, day after day after day. God made you perfect, in His image, and I treated you like you were nothing more but a screw up. It makes me sad to think of how my actions, behaviors and thoughts came across to you. You gave me some warning signs along the way, to let me know how my choices were directly effecting you, but I didn't listen. I saw the signs loud and clear but actively made the decision to ignore you. I am sorry for that and I understand why, as a result, I have endured some consequences. I tried to control you as a way to cope with underlying feelings and emotions that I did not know how to work through on my own. I vow to no longer manipulate you, ever.

Fast forward a few years. . . we are working together as a team and it feels SO good. I wake up everyday with a fresh perspective, ready to tackle and take on the day full of motivation and joy. I feed you well and in turn you provide me with energy to power through whatever God brings my way.

I love watching you change as I carry my little girl. Watching you change, stretch and ultimately grow a human being is more than amazing to me. And to think there was a time that I would rather starve you than be blessed by all of your God given instincts. I pray for you everyday. I pray that you will continue to remain strong over the next 12 weeks as I continue to carry Clara to full term (Lord willing).

I only have one of you and thus will embrace ALL that you can do and ALL that you are (curves included). I will speak kindly to you and treat you with the respect you deserve. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are an amazing blessing. Let's celebrate life together.

Love,
Brittnie

Did you write a Dear Body Letter? If so, please link up in the comments! Would love to swap letters and to see how God is working/worked in your life through the Love Yourself Challenge.

Related posts:

28 week pregnancy update. . . eggplant baby

2012-02-11T15:59:00.001-06:00

A lot has happened over the last four weeks and since the last pregnancy update! We were blessed to have another ultrasound preformed (during week 25) just to make sure Clara's growth was on target and thankfully she is looking perfect and growing well. I also passed my glucose tolerance test so there is no concern for gestational diabetes. I am not at the point where I will be seeing my Dr. every two weeks. We are very thankful!

Week 28

Size and development of baby:

Baby's lungs are mature enough that, if born right now, she has a pretty good chance of surviving (with help from medical technology). Her skin is still pretty wrinkly (one byproduct of living in amniotic fluid) but will smoothen as fat continues to deposit.

(Source)

Our little girl is currently the size of an eggplant. Crazy, right? I can definitely tell that she is growing as I can feel her move a lot more often and the movements feel harder and stronger. I love feeling her move! Makes it all SO real. I feel her the most at night, after dinner, and really early in the morning. Brandon can also feel her if he puts his hands on my stomach and we can both see my tummy move around from time to time, which is equally amazing.

A few pictures from our ultrasound, three weeks ago:

How I am feeling and how I am changing:

For the most part I am feeling great. The biggest issue I am dealing with (probably since week 26) is swelling in my feet and ankles. The bruising around my ankles, and up my legs, is also spreading and at times seems to be darkening. If I sit or stand for too long of a time period my legs start to feel really tight and the swelling gets worse. I have taken several pictures of my feet/ankles mainly because I cannot believe how BIG they get but I will spare you most of them. I will post one (mainly b/c I want to remember at what point it got bad) but if pictures of swollen extremities freak you out just scroll down really quick to avoid any nausea.

Puffy/swollen ankle... pic taken during week 27

The picture doesn't really do the bruising justice. I frequently look down and laugh thinking "Are these really my ankles???" Praise God for flip flops. Ha! Anyways, my blood pressure is fantastic and I have no protein in my urine so my Dr. is not at all concerned with the swelling at this point (no concerns of preeclampsia). I am basically just one of the lucky women who experience extreme swelling during pregnancy. Yay for me. My Dr. mentioned that the swelling and bruising will subside after delivery. Until then... just grin and bear it while upping my water intake, limiting my sodium intake, and elevating my feet when at all possible and especially at night. Really, it could be a lot worse. Despite tight legs and puffy/bruised ankles I am SO thankful that this is the only "negative symptom" I have encountered thus far. Even more so, I am just thankful to be pregnant. I am truly blessed.

My tummy has also grown quite a bit since my last picture. I have gained a total of 17 pounds, which my Dr. is very happy with, as am I.

Here is the latest. . .

28 week belly shot

What I am eating and what I am thinking:

What am I not eating? Ha. That is the real question.

Anything and everything sounds good these days.

Here are some of my current favorite eats:

cold cereal, hummus, this Chickfila Southwest Salad (of which I must admit I eat at least 2x a week...notice I said at least), chickfila nuggets, red meat, chips & salsa, basically any peanut butter from this company, kiwis, clementines, apples, cashews, trail mix, dark chocolate anything, homemade pizza and homemade stir fry bowls. I will stop there but I could probably go on and on and on.

Foods that sound disgusting:

Salmon and various other seafood (Notice this list is not very long)

I think a lot about what Clara will look like. Will she have dark hair at birth or will she be bald? Will she look like me, Brandon or will it be hard to tell? I also wonder about her demeanor and personality, both as an infant and older child.

I bought the paint for the nursery but have yet to start actually painting. That's next on the agenda. I am excited to start working on the nursery.

I am also PUMPED about my last acupuncture appointment. I haven't been since week 12-14 of pregnancy (I believe) and I go again during week 32. I don't remember why but my practitioner does not practice on pregnant women during this timeframe. I could research it for the blog but I am feeling a tad lazy. Anyways, is it weird that I highly enjoy laying on a table being stuck with a million needles? Seriously... it the most relaxing thing ever. If money was not a factor I would go weekly... for the rest of my life.

That's all for week 28!

Have a fabulous weekend!

PSALM 139:14

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

PSALM 13:6

"I will sing the LORD’s praise, for he has been good to me."

Previous pregnancy updates:

And baby makes 3

14 week pregnancy update (really includes week 12 also)

16 week pregnancy update

20-21 week pregnancy update

24 week pregnancy update

I've been tagged. . . have you?

2012-02-09T07:08:00.000-06:00

There are many blogs that I love to read, all for various reasons. One that I recently added to my google reader is Feeding Five. Marie, the author of the blog, is a wife and momma to three adorable kiddos. Her family resides in Southern California. She is funny, witty, fun loving and has a heart for her faith and family. I hope you check out her little blog space.

Marie recently tagged me in her latest post. I was excited to be tagged for this little Q&A sesh. I was a lot excited to be honest. So here are her questions and my answers!

1. Has your blog changed since you first started blogging?

Not really - I blog about whatever crosses my mind in regards to eating disorders, eating disorder recovery, infertility, my current pregnancy, faith, encouragement, God's promises and just about anything that revolves around upping and promoting positive self esteem.

2. Tell me about the most expensive shoes in your closet.

Um this is pretty funny. I do not own expensive shoes. For real. I think my most expensive pair of shoes are my Toms that each cost about $40.00. I have two pair. Beyond that I get shoes at Target or Payless. :)

3. What did you have for breakfast this morning?

Bowl of Oikos greek yogurt w/ a banana and this peanut butter mixed in. Yogurt + banana + chocolate peanut butter = pure heaven at 7am. Brandon thinks I am crazy.

4. Ever chopped your hair super short? Pictures?

Yes. . . in 3rd grade and again my sophomore year of high school. Pictures are not necessary. Let's just say my super thick hair is not meant to be worn that short. Trust me.

5. How often do you fly?

A few times a year although I would love to fly/travel all the time if money, time and pure reality were not an issue.

6. Favorite TV shows?

Parenthood, Modern Family, Desperate Housewives (this last one is my guilty pleasure. . . please don't judge)

7. Speak another language?

HA, NO. I got my first C in college, my senior year, when I had to take a Spanish class. Apparently the online babel fish translation is not as accurate as one would like to think.

8. Musical artist you can listen to over & over.

This changes frequently but right now Brendan James (ask me next week and I'll have a different answer)

9. What brings you inner peace?

Prayer and trying to reflect daily on God's promises. I am also working on living in the present moment and not stressing about tomorrow and what it could/might bring.

10. Tell me something you're good at. C'mon, brag!

Helping others and listening to others - AKA social work

11. The love of your life/ideal man in 5 words.

God-fearing, funny, humble, generous, compassionate

So now it's my turn to tag some of you! Below are the rules:

Rules For Bloggers: (you must repost these)
1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them that you’ve tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about ‘you are tagged if you are reading this.’ blah blah blah, you legitimately have to tag 11 people!

11 Random Things About Myself:

I am a morning person. My favorite time of day is super early in the morning. I am usually awake by 5:30am.
I am obsessed with peanut butter. I eat it almost everyday, in some form.
I have been asked, many times, about my heritage (from random people that I do not know) - specifically if I am Hispanic or Native American. Not sure how people think this since I am as pale as a ghost but it is humorous nonetheless.
I am currently eating a bagel with peanut butter - one side with regular Jiff + honey and the other side with Dark Chocolate Dreams PB&CO. Please refer to #2.
I am an awful swimmer.
I have an intense fear of geckos and lizards. This is for real. I once did not come in our bedroom for 20 minutes because there was a gecko in the bathroom. I was freaking out until Brandon showed me the evidence that gecko was no more.
If I have cash in my wallet I have no problem spending it on anything. I am much more hesitant to use my credit card.
When I moved to St. Louis for graduate school I did not meet my roommate until the day I moved into her house. We are now great friends!
I hate walking around without shoes or socks on my feet (even in my own house).
In my dream life I would love to own & work at a mom/pop coffee shop or mini bakery.
I only wash my hair 2-3x a week. Don't hate.

My questions for YOU:

Describe yourself in 3 words
What is your dream vacation?
Most adventurous/daring/risky thing you have done, in your opinion?
What brings you joy?
If could only eat three foods for the rest of your life what three would you choose?
Describe your family growing up
Favorite way to spend a Saturday with nothing to do?
Have you ever been hospitalized? If so - for what?
Three things you love about your spouse/significant other/or best friend
Did you go to college and if so, what did you study?
If you could have ANY job in the world what would it be? Think big people - sky is the limit here and money, reality etc is not an issue.

Bloggers I tag for the above 11 questions:

Have fun! Make it a great day!

Love Yourself Challenge. . . week 6

2012-02-07T05:51:00.000-06:00

This past Sunday kicked off week six of the Love Yourself Challenge. This is the final week of the challenge and it sure has flown by for me. I hope those of you who have participated have been challenged in a good way, a way that will make you think twice about the way you think about yourself, treat yourself, view yourself, and speak to yourself.

Source

WEEK 6: Loving yourself is not impossible

Source

Did you participate in any part of the challenge?

If so, what week did you enjoy the most?

Which week was the hardest?

Did God open your eyes in a new way?

The challenge doesn't stop here, friends. It takes work to keep it up. Every. Single. Day.

But YOU are worth the fight. Why? Because God doesn't make mistakes and if He hasn't given up on you, why give up on yourself?

Blessings!

Love Yourself Challenge . . . week 5 (It's time for your Dear Body Letter)

2012-01-31T05:57:00.000-06:00

We are only two weeks away from completing the Love Yourself Challenge. This week marks the beginning of week five! I am excited about this week and the journaling assignment.

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Week 5: A Letter To Yourself

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I highly encourage you to take the time to write this letter. We are all busy and have a million items on our "to do's" but I believe the benefits of reaffirming yourself in a letter like this is simply irreplacable. The dishes and laundry can wait a few extra minutes.

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I plan to write mine and share it on the blog after the challenge is complete. Will you share yours, as well? If so, please do post it on your blog and link up in the comments section. We will all be blessed!

Happy Journaling!

Make it a GREAT day!

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Related Posts:

What is The Love Yourself Challenge?

Love Yourself Challenge. . . week 1

Love Yourself Challenge. . . week 2

Love Yourself Challenge. . . week 3

Love Yourself Challenge. . . week 4

Crossing Over Our Jordan River

2012-01-27T05:58:00.000-06:00

I really enjoy blog posts from the website in(courage). A post this week, Remembering Whose We Are, really spoke to me and I wanted to share a piece of the post with you today. For the full post click the link above. The author of the post has struggled with brain cancer and recently lost her nine year old daughter (just a fresh nine months ago). The piece below is from a book she read when first diagnosed with brain cancer. Such encouraging words when we find ourselves in the midst of such loss, confusion or period of waiting. I hope the words inspire you as it did me.

Crossing Over Our Jordan River
We don’t know when God will get us over the river. We don’t know how God will dry the riverbed and allow us to cross. But we do know, by faith, that he will act on our behalf. And while we wait,we remember.

We remember our Red Seas, the places where God has parted the waters for us, the impossible places where God came through and the Enemy was defeated.

We remember who brought us through.
We remember whose we are. We belong to Christ!
We remember that God’s delays are not delays of inactivity, but of preparation. He delays, but he does not deny. While we wait He prepares us for His answer according to His perfect, preordained plan.
We remember and link up with like-minded, stronger people who are going in the same direction. We cant afford to attempt the waters of Jordan alone.
We remember to tell our children, and our children’s children that they may see the mighty hand of God and take courage for the rivers they will have to cross. They piggyback on our faith when we share the stories of God’s mighty acts in our lives.
We remember to offer encouragement for our friends who walk beside us along the way.
- taken from the book, Stones of Remembrance

To read more click here. . .

Love Yourself Challenge. . . week 4

2012-01-24T05:49:00.001-06:00

Love Yourself Challenge week 1

Love Yourself Challenge week 2

Love Yourself Challenge week 3

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Week 4: A change in Attitude

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What have you learned over the last three weeks of journaling? This week, kick those negative thoughts to the curb, once and for all. You are more than societies view of beauty. God doesn't judge you by societies standard so why do you use this form of measurement? You are perfect in HIS eyes. Celebrate yourself today.

Happy Journaling!

Love Yourself Challenge . . . week 3

2012-01-17T20:05:00.000-06:00

I'm a few days late in posting a reminder but we are already in the midst of week three of the Love Yourself Challenge. Have you been reflecting on the challenge and journaling your thoughts? Feeling all warm and fuzzy from all the self love coming your way? Have you been sharing your reflections with a friend, family member, mentor or spouse?

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Love Yourself Challenge week 1

Love Yourself Challenge week 2

Week 3: Secrets

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Are you holding on to any guilt and/or shame related to secrets in your life? Do you continually beat yourself up for past mistakes? If so it's time to Let. It. Go. You will never be able to really love yourself if you are constantly focused on what was or what could have been.

Take some time to honestly reflect the prompt for this week.

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. BUT. . . YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE.

GOD DOESNT MAKE MISTAKES.

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Happy Journaling!

Make it a GREAT day!

24 week pregnancy update. . . papaya baby

2012-01-15T07:27:00.001-06:00

It has been four weeks since our big gender reveal ultrasound. We have been busy thinking about all things baby girl and are so thrilled that things continue to go well. I say this in each pregnancy update but I cannot believe how fast time is passing.
We are 24 weeks along. . . crazy!

I go Tuesday 1/17/12 for my next OB appointment and glucose test. I don't suspect that my glucose levels will be a concern but then again, you never know. Either way we will just take it one day at a time. No sense of worrying about anything I cannot (ultimately) control, right? Right.

Week 24

Size and development of baby:

Clara is the size of a papaya this week. This is a fruit that I sang about a church camp every summer (do any of you have a clue what song I am talking about?) but never really knew what it looked like, until I got my bump.com email this week. I don't think I have ever tasted a papaya either? Anyways, she is growing each day and I can't wait to hear her heartbeat again on Tuesday! Week 24 is the first time I really started feeling her move around! The flutters are now more frequent & she has also pressed (or kicked?) on my belly hard enough where Brandon was able to feel her too!

Baby's skin is becoming more opaque as the fat starts to pack on. And, thanks to the formation of small capillaries, her newly thick skin is taking on a fresh pink glow.

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How I am feeling and How I am changing:

I feel like a broken record but I feel great! I could not have asked for an easier pregnancy thus far. Of course I am starting to experience normal symptoms that come with being farther along but it is nothing out of the ordinary. At the end of a long day my lower back is sore as well as my feet. A few days last week, after the weather was especially hot, I got home from work and noticed that my feet were starting to swell. I just try to elevate my feet when I'm relaxing at home and have soaked them a few times in hot water and epsom salt. That seems to do the trick. Oh and I mentioned this in my 20 week update but I still have those reddish/purplish patches around my ankles. They are starting to spread more and I plan to ask my OB about this Tuesday. It doesn't itch or hurt so I'm not too concerned and I read that skin changes are normal during pregnancy, as your body is adjusting to new hormone levels and a higher blood volume. My hair is still falling out in crazy handfuls. Good thing God blessed me with a head of hair for 20 people so even with all that I am loosing, it is hardly making a dent.

I recently had several people tell me "Wow, you really look pregnant now." Yes I sure do. See below. It seems that over the last four weeks my belly has, without a doubt, popped out. I absolutely love it. Doesn't bother me a bit. Nor does my weight that is creeping up on the scale.

Praise God!

24 week belly shot

What I am eating and What I am thinking:

I have some days when I feel ravenous all. day. long. I have other days when I hardly feel hungry. Regardless I try to make healthy choices and nourish my body well, with occasional ~~spoonfuls~~ bowls of this amazingly addicting treat thrown in for good measure.
To balance it all out I try to make these green monster smoothies at least once a week. Sound gross? It isn't. Despite the bright green appearance, you cannot taste the spinach at all!! The key is using frozen banana and fresh baby spinach (not frozen spinach!). I usually add a spoonful of peanut butter too. It tastes just like a banana peanut butter smoothie.
Don't knock it till you try it!

Foods that sound delicious:

cold cereal, hummus on toast, chickfila nuggets (have I listed this each time??), homemade stir fry, chips and salsa, red meat, cashews, and trail mix

Foods that do not sound delicious:

Salmon (weird b/c pre pregnancy I LOVED it, now... not so much) and other seafood

What has been on my brain lately? Tackling the overwhelming process that is the baby registry. Seriously, who knew there are 800 types of bottles, bibs, pacifiers, car seats and strollers? Um yes it's true. Thanks to some advice from my older sister, good friends, and Consumer Reports, I think we are done!!! I have also started researching and calling around to pediatricians to ask questions and see if they will be taking new patients come May. I got us preregistered at the hospital and signed us up for childbirth classes the end of March. Oh... and we selected our baby bedding. A big thanks to my mom and dad for ordering the main four piece bundle as a gift, and to Brandon's parents for ordering the elephant wall art and mobile. I LOVE IT and cannot wait to start painting the nursery (probably the green you see here) and setting things up.

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We spent the majority of last weekend cleaning out the junk room/office that will be the nursery. We even have the entire closet cleared out. For any of you that know how packed that closet was pre clean, I am sure you stand amazed. I have no idea how we did it, but it's checked off the list! I say we have done a lot over the last few weeks. A big thanks to Brandon because of course he was a team player and helped out so much!

That wraps up week 24.

Hope you all are having a lovely day!

PSALM 139:14

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

PSALM 13:6

"I will sing the LORD’s praise, for he has been good to me."

Previous pregnancy updates:

And baby makes 3

14 week pregnancy update (really includes week 12 also)

16 week pregnancy update

20-21 week pregnancy update

Old fashioned communication & a Day Spring product review

2012-01-14T07:20:00.001-06:00

There is something about a hand written note that cannot be replaced. As email, text message, face book and twitter grow in popularity with those of all ages, less people are taking the time to hand write a note of thanks, congratulations, encouragement, hope or sympathy. Some call it old fashioned. I call it irreplaceable.

Confession : I do love receiving hand written notes. It just says a lot about a person who in todays technology ridden society will take the time to hand write their thoughts, place that note in an envelope with a stamp and walk it to the mailbox.

Confession : I am guilty of, just yesterday, writing an email to a friend who was celebrating a birthday, when I could have easily written and mailed her a birthday card days in advance. Sigh.

There is something about reading someones handwritten words that speaks louder than reading text off my phone. I can think back to several times during our fertility journey when I received cards from friends letting us know that while they did not understand what we were experiencing, they were thinking about us daily and lifting us up in prayer. I remember on one particularly hard day picking up one of these cards and reading it over and over again. Something about holding that card in my hand and reading the writing just brought another level of comfort and peace. I am sure many of you have been there, too and understand the comfort that I am talking about here.

That being said, I jumped at the chance to partner with (in)courage and Day Spring as one to participate in their (in)spired deals January product review.

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The kind people at Day Spring sent me two card packs from the Holley Gerth line- Hope & Encouragement (10 Premium Greeting Card Assortment) and Encouragement - Thank You for All You Do (6 Premium Cards).

Day Spring sent me these cards for free although the opinion below is 100% my own.

I truly love these cards. They are a nice size with plenty of space to write an in depth note while also filled with words and scriptures should you want to keep your note on the shorter side. I also really enjoy the bright, bold colors that fill each card. The bright red, pink, blue, and green designs are bound to make the receiver feel alive and loved. I would absolutely love to receive any of these cards in the mail. The words are uplifting and the scripture selection is perfect for that special person who needs an extra dose of hope and encouragement. You truly cannot go wrong by purchasing these and mailing to friends and family.

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I thought the card below would be the perfect card to send to my grandmother, who resides in another city and who I do not see very often. I hope the words bless her and bring a smile to her face.

Inspired to bust out with a handwritten note and participate in some good old fashioned communication? Head on over to the Day Spring product page and check out the 15 card assortment packs offered. Day Spring also offers a wide selection of gifts - office supplies, calendars, books, journals, totes, mugs, crosses, baby gifts, jewelry and home/art decor.

A big thanks to (in)courage and Day Spring for allowing me to participate in their January (in)spired deals review. I cannot wait to put the rest of my cards to use in the near future!

"Encourage one another."

Hebrews 10:25, NIV

Love yourself Challenge. . . week 2

2012-01-10T06:02:00.000-06:00

I hope you all are having having a great week and are continuing on with the Love Yourself Challenge. We are now two weeks into the challenge. Did anyone journal last week, during week one? Learn anything new or interesting while journaling?

If you are thinking..."What in the world is the Love Yourself Challenge???" Click this link for the info!

Missed week 1 and need the 4-1-1? Click this link for the info!

Week 2: Love yourself as you love others.

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It's not too late to make TODAY the day that you start giving yourself some lovin!

Make it a GREAT day!

Happy journaling!

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First ever guest post . . . Sarah from Bearing Eating Being

2012-01-05T07:00:00.000-06:00

I am so excited for todays post! A little bit of background info. . .

When I was struggling with my eating disorder one smart decision (ok the only smart decision, besides recovery) I made was to research and read blogs of other women who had been, at some time or another, in my shoes. I wanted to hear from women who had experienced, firsthand, what it was like to struggle with anorexia and who truly understood the dynamics of the illness and how it has the ability to overtake any and every area of life.

Although I don't remember when exactly, at some point I stumbled across the blogger Sarah who writes over at Bearing Eating Being . I remember reading her posts and thinking "wow, this girl DID IT." She overcame what (at that present time) felt like hell on earth. What struck me even more? She incorporated GOD, JESUS and the HOLY SPIRIT into recovery and into her story. Praise God she was willing to write and share with random blog stalkers (me) because little did she know she was having a HUGE impact.

Fast forward a few years. . . I am totally stoked that Sarah has agreed to a little guest post here on A Joy Renewed. I hope you find her story as touching and inspiring as I did and still do!
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Hey all! I’m Sarah and I was so excited that Brittnie asked me to share a little of my story with you. I’m currently writing this from my parents’ kitchen table in the midwest as snow falls outside--a far cry from Florida, where I’ve lived for the past 3.5 years.

Being home for the holidays is a good thing...but it hasn’t always been. In 2005, I spent my holidays wrestling with an eating disorder that my parents could see but I couldn’t. That year, I tiptoed around my house. I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t get warm, I couldn’t feel the joy of Christmas. I remember passing out at Target as I did some last minute Christmas shopping with my siblings. I remember spending a few days in bed because I lacked the energy to get out of it. My mom brought me eggs and toast and I feebly protested, until I realized: my options were eating or dying.

That weekend was a turning point for me. As I lay in bed, I prayed intently that God would help me figure out whatever was wrong in my life and fix it. God seized that prayer and led me to medical help. When I finally accepted the diagnosis that was obvious to everyone around me, I cried out for help, for understanding, and strength, because I knew I couldn’t heal myself or get better on my own.

In return, He gave strength that reminded me of the manna sent to the Israelites: enough for the day. I wasn’t stockpiling strength somewhere for later and I lived my life vacillating between terror and calm, but He always gave me the calmness and strength that I needed to do the right thing when I needed to.

This reminded me that the strength I was experiencing was not my own and taught me to rely on Him. It also made me realize that recovery was going to be a process...and rightly so, because getting sick was a process.

A few painful months later, the Lord gave me Psalm 107. I connected so strongly with this passage that for over a year, it was my “about me” on Facebook because I felt there was nothing more to say. Here’s a sample: (really, you should just read the whole thing--it’s amazing!)

“Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;

his love endures forever.

Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story—
those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,
those he gathered from the lands,
from east and west, from north and south...

...Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness,
   prisoners suffering in iron chains,
because they rebelled against God’s commands
   and despised the plans of the Most High...
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
   and he saved them from their distress.
He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,
   and broke away their chains.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
for he breaks down gates of bronze
   and cuts through bars of iron.

Some became fools through their rebellious ways
   and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
They loathed all food
   and drew near the gates of death.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
   and he saved them from their distress.
He sent out his word and healed them;
   he rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for mankind.

Let them sacrifice thank offerings
and tell of his works with songs of joy...”

This Psalm gave me hope: I had already called out to the Lord. Now I could trust Him to be faithful to heal me, to break away my chains, to bring me out of darkness, to save me from my distress, to rescue me from the grave, to send forth His word to me, to gather me, to redeem me.

Six years and a TON of work later, I’m pleased to report that I am healthier and happier than I ever was before. Having an eating disorder could have been the end of my life. Instead, our Lord “cut through those bars of iron” and saved me.

Psalm 107 ends with these words: “Let the one who is wise heed these things and ponder the loving deeds of the Lord.”

I invite you to do the same.

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THANK YOU, Sarah!

I love that she literally is a living testimony of Psalm 107. And is some ways... aren't we all? I think we all have rebelled against the Lord only to eventually cry out to Him from our distress, from the bottom of our pit. Don't we all have some "bar of iron" that we need the Lord to save us from and to forever cut us free?

Questions: Do you have a scripture or set of verses that sum up an especially hard time in your life? Has God responded to your distress call by giving you a particular scripture passage of hope? Please do share in the comments section!

The Love Yourself Challenge. . . week 1

2012-01-01T18:02:00.000-06:00

Happy 2012 friends!

Don't forget that today, 1-1-12, kicks off week one of the six week Love Yourself Challenge. For more details just click on this post.

Week 1: You are worthy, beautiful and special.

SOURCE for description above and pic below

So take a few minutes today and put pen to paper. Reflect on how YOU truly are a unique and amazing individual, and how you are deserving of the same self love you give to others!

Happy journaling!

Gender reveal. . . part two

2011-12-30T10:12:00.000-06:00

After gender reveal part one we headed to Brandon's parents house to do a reveal with them as well. His grandma (Jack's mom) was in town so we wanted to include her in the suprise. We wrapped three separate gifts for his grandma, mom and dad to open. All three gifts were enclosed in pink and blue tissue paper. The first two gifts were gender neutral baby items. The last gift (that his mom opened) revealed the gender. We had a lot of fun sharing the news and special time with each side of the family. Enjoy a few more pictures.

Habakkuk 3:18

"Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior."

Gender reveal . . . part one

2011-12-29T07:41:00.000-06:00

The day of our 20 week anatomy scan we were also scheduled to have our annual family picture taken (w/ my side). Our ultrasound was at 8:30am and the picture wasn't set until 10am. We had plenty of time to kill between events so we thought we would get a head start on our gender reveal that was taking place later that evening, at my parents house. We had seen the idea to fill a gender neutral pinata with colored candy (pink/purple = girl & blue/green = boy) so when busted the gender of the baby is revealed. We thought my 9 year old niece and 7 and 4 year old nephews would love this activity, so that is what we did. We bought a pinata and filled it with lots of pink/purple candy and pink beads - b/c what little girl wouldn't want pink beads? When we arrived at the family picture the family was shocked that we already knew the results but were making them wait until that evening to bust the pinata. Our photographer then had a brilliant idea.... why not do it now and she can capture the whole thing in pictures? Perfect idea! Thank you, Tiffany! You did an awesome job capturing this fun memory!

Gender reveal part two with the Blackburn side of the family coming soon. Have a great day!

Habakkuk 3:18

"Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior."

PS - Those of you who guessed the name Clara (in the last post) are correct! Loved some of your other guesses too. Clara Anne Blackburn.... coming May 2012 :)

20-21 week pregnancy update... cantaloupe baby

2011-12-26T20:29:00.000-06:00

Well I cannot believe another four weeks have passed since my last update. Time seems to be flying by these days. I had my monthly OB appointment this past Tuesday on 12/20 and the Dr guessed that, due to my measurements, I am a week ahead of schedule. We had our full anatomy scan on Friday 12/23 and the technician and Dr agreed that yes in fact this baby is a tad ahead of schedule. This means I am actually 21 weeks and my new due date is May 4, 2012.
Hey if this is one week closer to meeting our sweet

BABY GIRL

then that is just fine by me.

Our gut feeling was right... baby Blackburn is 100% girl.

So excited!! Looks like some of you were right, too.

Week 20 (and 21)

Size & development of baby

your baby's the size of a cantaloupe!

Baby weighs about 10.2 ounces and measures about 6.5 inches. She's still got a lot of growing to do though. Can you believe you're halfway done?

Making it to 20 weeks probably feels pretty darn good...Of course, it wouldn’t be pregnancy if you weren’t experiencing some annoying symptoms. Right now, it’s likely swelling, heartburn and leg cramps, but all of that probably feels insignificant now that you’ve got ultrasound photos of your rapidly developing baby. How cute is that nose? If you found out baby’s sex, you’re in a completely new mindset, are we right? Now, those baby names you’re throwing out are more likely to end up as baby’s, and when you find yourself in a baby store, those little blue or pink outfits aren’t just adorable, they’re must-haves. And since now you can add clothes and other boyish or girlish things to your wish list, week 20 is the time you probably want to start putting together your baby registry too. Happy shopping!
(SOURCE)

How I am feeling and how I am changing:
Overall, I feel great! The main things (besides my growing belly) that I notice is that I itch all the time. Like really all the time - especially on my back and sides. I also have these red-purple patchy areas around my ankles where my skin is changing colors. It doesn't hurt at all, just looks really strange. Good thing it's "winter" in Houston so I still have a few days before the shorts bust back out. :) My face is breaking out but honestly, this has been a problem for the last 15 years, so I really can't associate it with being pregnant. Yay for being 29 and still dealing with adolescent acne.

Belly continues to grow by the day. Proof in the picture below (although this pic does not do the real thing justice in my opinion!)

20/21 week belly shot

What I am eating and What I am thinking:

Still no major food cravings or aversions per say, just foods that sound slightly better than others. I am still enjoying tortilla chips and salsa, red meat (maybe my body giving me a sign that I need more iron?), chickfila nuggets (try to limit these!) and cold cereal. The only thing that just sounds gross, but not a full out aversion, is seafood (although shrimp sounds ok here and there). No major changes in the food department!

Now that we know we are expecting a girl, we are thinking of names, nursery ideas, etc. We are 95% sure we have a name selected. We really like old fashioned names. Any guesses? Here is your clue - It starts with a "C." Immediate family... don't spill the beans!!

Another thought running through my mind is "Where in the world are we going to put all the stuff we need for a baby?" Which leads to a mini panic attack and trying to reorganize the entire house. Brandon loves this about me (sarcasm). He knows when I am stressing about something.... he comes home and finds me reorganizing and cleaning out a drawer/closet etc that has been previously reorganized 500 times. What did he give me for Christmas? The gift of organization. For real. He has been working on our garage and also trying to address the closet situation in the room that will be the nursery. Best. Gift. Ever.

(And just so you guys don't give him a hard time... we agreed that we were not giving each other physical gifts this year since we have lots of expenses coming in the New Year.)

Another thought ..."How in the world do we figure out this whole baby registry thing?" I guess this thought will be tackled in the next few months.

A few pictures from our 20 week anatomy scan:

Close up of her left arm/hand

Close up of her leg and foot

Profile shot... love the little nose

Our little girl currently weighs 13 ounces and the ultrasound tech and Dr both agreed she looked perfect so far and they saw no concerns via the ultrasound scan. Praise God!!

Your turn:
Anyone want to take a stab at our little girls name?

If you have been blessed with a pregnancy, did you have any weird food cravings/aversions?

Any tips for this mom and dad to be?

PSALM 139:14

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

PSALM 13:6
"I will sing the LORD’s praise, for he has been good to me."

Previous pregnancy updates:

And baby makes 3

14 week pregnancy update

16 week pregnancy update

Dear. Body, Letter & The Love Yourself Challenge

2011-12-19T05:37:00.000-06:00

If you were to write a letter to your body, what would you say? Maybe something like this...

I stumbled across this blog and became very interested in the message and mission of the site. I have not read through every single post but it appears to be on board with my new outlook and personal goal of bringing ED and body image awareness to the public eye.

The blog is currently encouraging people of all ages to participate in a 6 week love yourself challenge. A description, taken directly from the site, states the following:

The Love Yourself Challenge is a positive space that respects, accepts and loves everyone where they are for who they are. This is a space that embraces every body and encourages individuals to have self-love, self-respect and self-acceptance. We are a team of young people who are determined to spread the message of self-love like wildfire and revolutionize the way our generation sees ourselves and each other. This self-love revolution starts with you and I and then it is bound to spread like wildfire igniting hope, love, respect and acceptance for all. So please always remember that you are amazing because of who you are in this very moment, not because of what you could be. Everything that you will never be is nothing close to everything that you already are. You are not the size of your jeans or the number on the scale. Your worth can never be contained by a simple lifeless number. Your body is not a battleground and you have every right to feel respected, accepted and loved in your own skin.

Keep fighting the good fight,
Rae Smith & The Team!

How amazing is that? A group of YOUNG people dedicated to spreading positive body image messages with the rest of the world. I am very impressed, to say the least.

So I have decided to participate in the challenge. It's only 6 weeks and takes a short amount of time each day/week, yet I have a feeling it will make a big impact. Even though I am a few years into recovery I am a firm believer that revisiting these topics regularly is what will keep me on the right path, forever.

You might have never struggled with an ED, but could you use a little more self love in your life? Do you want to start 2012 with a fresh outlook and put self criticism to rest once and for all? Want to wake up and start loving your body instead of ripping it apart, one negative comment at a time? Then I encourage you to participate with me. Take the challenege. What do you have to loose? I guarantee you will be no worse off after 6 weeks and you will probably learn something in the process.

Details of the challenge are described here.

All you need:

6 weeks

Someone you trust (spouse, family member, friend)

A journal and a pen (I know... I am not the journal type, and if this is you, let's just get over it together)

An open mind, honesty and determination

Perseverance when things get challenging

I will be completing the challenge for the first 6 weeks of 2012, beginning on Sunday January 1st and then will be blogging about my experience and sharing my Dear. Body, letter (will be writing during week 5) with you all.

So... Who's in?

If you choose to participate, and have a website, please blog about your experience and link up so we can all read and celebrate with one another.

Heres to kicking off a happy and healthy 2012!

ED 101 (a free educational tool provided by NORMAL nonprofit)

2011-12-12T21:06:00.000-06:00

I ran across this You Tube video (that I originally found from this site) and just had to share. It is 35 minutes long but so worth watching if you have some extra time. Many aspects of this video resonate with me and my past struggles (and now deeper understanding) of anorexia. I love the mission and goal of the NORMAL nonprofit and think their idea of bringing ED awareness to young people, through the arts, is genius. Eating Disorders are rampant and will not go away by simply ignoring the issues or the people struggling. We must educate ourselves. We must talk about realities. Watch, listen, learn and please share your thoughts, feelings and/or reactions in the comments.

"ED101 provides hope—from those who have recovered and from those who have treated [eating disorders].

.. This film counters the shame and captures the courageous spirit of those who refuse to be bound by it.

"
~ Karen Koenig

(SOURCE)

Eating Disorders 101 (ED 101), sponsored by Timberline Knolls, is a free educational tool provided by the NORMAL nonprofit which educates about eating disorders, self-esteem and body image through arts and mindfulness programs. ED 101 is the result of more than five years of work and is possible due to ongoing support from Joanne and Daniel C. Smith, the Pink House Foundation, Hilda & Preston Davis Foundation, NIS First 100 Club, Innovative Women's Producer's Network and patrons. We are grateful to be collaborating with more than 15 national nonprofit organizations to distribute this DVD to schools worldwide.

The NORMAL nonprofit strongly recommends that this film be accompanied by our Myth Busters hand out as well as a discussion panel of experts. For our free 90-page curriculum, details on handouts and free guidelines on how to create an effective discussion panel, please visit www.normal-life.org/ED_101.php

Reactions to the clip?

Did anything surprise you?

Do you think a musical that is based on Eating Disorders is a good/bad idea?

16 week pregnancy update ... Avocado baby

2011-11-28T21:35:00.002-06:00

So I officially hit 16 weeks of pregnancy on Thanksgiving day! Which in my opinion, is totally a reason for a second (or maybe third) helping of stuffing, right? Right. In my last pregnancy post I mentioned that I would be blogging a pregnancy update every 4 weeks. Now all of you might be questioning my math skills since my last post was week 14. I really do know how to add but here is the deal. I started taking belly pics at week 8, then week 12 hoping to blog this week & continue the every 4 week pattern but didn't get around to actually posting until week 14. See? So 12 weeks + 4 weeks = 16 weeks = why I am blogging now. If you still care to read after that long and probably unnecessary explanation well here you go. Enjoy!

Week 16

Size and development of baby:

In just two weeks the baby has jumped from the size of a lemon to an avocado. So crazy. It really is amazing to think there is a living human the size of an avocado inside my belly. We did not do an ultrasound at my last dr. appointment although we did get to hear the heartbeat on the doppler. It was awesome... loud and strong! Our next ultrasound will be on December 20th where we will see the baby again and if it's not being modest, hopefully learn if baby is a he or a she! Can't wait.

Stay on the lookout for some fluttering sensations in your abdomen. It might not be right at 16 weeks, but pretty soon you’ll start feeling baby moving around in there. At first those moves might feel like gas or a muscle twitch, but over time, as baby gets bigger and stronger, they’ll be unmistakable. Of course, feeling those movements comes with other issues, like having your lungs crowded by your growing babe. That could make it seem tough to catch your breath from time to time. Don’t worry: There are some positive symptoms you might be having at week 16. For example, some moms-to-be find their hair and nails grow faster. (Your hair might actually look thicker and more lustrous and your skin might look radiant, too. Woo hoo!) Another cool fact? Baby’s starting to be able to hear your voice -- and she’ll recognize it at birth -- so feel free to chat her up. She's listening to your voice, thanks to tiny bones forming in her ears.She's growing hair, lashes and eyebrows. And she's forming taste buds.

SOURCE

How I am feeling and How I am changing:

I have continued to feel awesome so far. Now that I am in the second trimester I am thinking that my chance of getting major sickness has passed although I do hear that it starts later for some people. We will see but so far so good. My digestive issues are acting up (if you know what I mean... if not well sorry) but I hear that is really common during pregnancy so I am not too concerned. I am still loosing a lot of hair (especially after I wash it) but my nails are growing faster and stronger so not sure what that is about. My back and sides itch ALL the time too. In the last few weeks my stomach has definitely popped out which I am loving. I think I am at the point where a stranger can assume I am pregnant and not just chubby. If I am kidding myself and I just look chubby... well.... just humor me and don't say anything.

16 week belly shot
Please pardon the home project in the background

What I am eating and What I am feeling:

My appetite is in full force. When the dr. asked last week "How is your diet? Do you feel like you are eating appropriately?" I didn't even have time to respond before Brandon chimed in with "Um yeah she's definitely eating a lot more." Thanks babe. Regardless, the dr. is pleased with the rate of weight gain and the fact that I am gaining easily (he is aware of my ED past and therefore is closely monitoring my weight changes and diet). I think this is SO important for a woman with a history of an ED. But that is a whole different post for a different day so I won't go there now. You're welcome.

Foods that sound delicious:

cold cereal, pancakes, hummus, red meat, mexican food, spaghetti w/ a side of crusty bread dipped in olive oil (yes i realize that was really specific), chick-fil-a chicken nuggets, fruit, tortilla chips w/ salsa, cashews, trail mix and dark chocolate

Foods that do not sound delicious:

coffee and seafood

I am getting super excited to find out the sex of the baby!! Brandon and I have been tossing around names but nothing that is 100% set in stone. I think I will get motivated to really start planning and making decisions once the sex is determined. I have a gut feeling it's a girl, for no real reason whatsoever, just a gut feeling.

I have been thinking a lot about the type of parent I will be and the type of parenting style that we, as a couple, will deem best for our family. I know this will come with hands on learning but lately my brain has been pondering "Will I be a super laid back parent?" Or "Will I be more rigid in my daily routine and schedule?" Neither option is bad or better than the other, and I have friends that are on either side of the parenting spectrum, just different choices that comes with different positives and negatives I suppose.

That's all for week 16.

So what is your guess?

Pink or Blue?

PSALM 139:14

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,

I know that full well."

Thankful

2011-11-21T08:51:00.000-06:00

I simply cannot believe that Thanksgiving is a few days away. This year has flown by, hasn't it? As I sit here my mind is flooded with blessings, big and small, that I am thankful for this year.

Here are just a few.

My husband

My family

Memories of loved ones

Blessings of new life

Good friends

God's promises (source)

Good food & the ability to eat it free of fear - Coffee cake in a cup... yes please! (original source found via this blog)

Adoption

Wonderful In Laws

Vacations

Service opportunities

Nature

What are you most thankful for this holiday?

A break in regular posting for some A to Z fun...

2011-11-18T07:00:00.009-06:00

HI friends, Well today is the day I turn 29 years old. I am well aware that I look 18 and still get asked on a more than regular basis what high school I attend. Sad but very true. Now I am sure this will work in my favor when I am say 70 although at the moment I would prefer to look my age. I do have quite a few gray hairs although this doesn't keep people from gasping in disbelief when they discover that I have in fact graduated from college, graduate school, and have been married and working for nearly five years.

Anyways, my blog buddy Amanda (who I randomly met in person last Sunday outside of Freebirds. How totally cool is that??? Amanda, we need to do lunch for real sometime ok?) posted an A to Z questionnaire a while back and I thought it would be fun to complete it here on the blog. So here it goes. Some random A to Z facts. Enjoy (and try to contain your excitement)!

A. Age: 29

B. Bed size: Queen - A King would be super cool (although it would leave us with no walking space in our bedroom)

C. Chore that you hate: Dusting, folding laundry and scrubbing the bathtubs (oops that was a singular, not plural, question)

D. Dogs: None. Brandon and I had a "pet talk" prior to marriage. We are not pet people and had to make sure we were both on the same page regarding animals, after marriage. Now don't get me wrong... I will love on your dogs (or whatever pet) all day long but I just don't want to take it home with me at the end of the day. Somehow despite this agreement we have ended up with goldfish and a hermit crab (thanks to my sweet sister who thought both would be awesome b-day presents). If she gets me a pet this year she will be getting it back for Christmas . . . end of discussion.

E. Essential start to your day: Eating breakfast. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day and I don't know how some people (Brandon) can go until lunch without eating a single thing. Before I go to bed I think about what I will make for breakfast the next morning. Oatmeal, cold cereal, yogurt parfait, english muffin with peanut butter, an omelet... the possibilities are endless. Is this weird?

F. Favorite color: Black, brown, turquoise

G. Gold or Silver: Silver all the way

H. Height: 5'2

I. Instruments you play: If you asked me this question in 5th grade I could answer piano. Now I do not have an answer.

J. Job title: Nanny, babysitter, full time care taker and/or retired social worker

K. Kids: One in the oven to debut May 2012

L. Live: The great land of Sugar in the great state of Texas

M. Mother’s name: Cynthia (bio mom) and Sheila (adopted mom)

N. Nicknames: Britt, Brittanica, B-Dub (given to me in college by this girls husband - I think it was a slang version of my initials pre marriage, BW)

O. Overnight hospital stays: None - I have lucked out on this one!

P. Pet peeves: Paper piles, drivers that honk unnecessarily, and people who leave you a message and then email you asking if you received their message and continue to type/repeat everything via email that they said via phone.

Q. Quote from a movie: "First we'll make snow angels for two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we'll snuggle." - Buddy the Elf

R. Right or left handed: Right

S. Siblings: 2 sisters, 1 brother

U. Underwear: I am not sure what this is asking so I will now skip to letter V

V. Vegetable you hate: Avocado - or is this a fruit? I am not sure but either way the texture is awful and makes me gag.

W. What makes you run late: Deciding to clean up and organize the house as we are walking out the door

X. X-Rays you’ve had: teeth x-ray @ the dentist, an MRI to check my tailbone, and another MRI to check my pituitary gland/brain

Y. Yummy food that you make: homemade blueberry muffins - you too can make them by clicking on this recipe

Z. Zoo animal: baby monkeys

That's all for now. Who wants to join in on the A to Z fun? You know you want to! In a few minutes I will be hanging out with my 4 and (almost) 2 year old friends. We plan to eat chocolate donut holes, watch the Berenstain Bears, read library books and play super heros. This evening Brandon and I are going here for a nice dinner and night away from home!

Sounds like a great day to me.

p.s. - If you didn't click on Amanda's blog in the 2nd paragraph of this post you now have another chance. She is offering a sweet giveaway that you don't want to miss. Bye friends!

14 week pregnancy update ... Lemon baby

2011-11-10T07:00:00.001-06:00

A few people have been asking for more pregnancy specific info so I thought I would give a brief update every four weeks or so to let you know how things are going. It will also be a great way for me to actually remember the pregnancy and be able to look back, read through posts and reminisce.

So here we go...

WEEK 14

Size & development of baby:

Our baby is the size of a lemon this week! It is growing leaps and bounds at each ultrasound. It is so cool to see him/her progressing in such vast ways while still being so small overall. At out last ultrasound (11/8/11) we were able to see the baby from all angles. It was moving around quite a bit and was flipping from side to side. We go back in two weeks and I am eager to see how much he/she has grown!

Your adorable little fetus is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, and (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over the body for warmth.
(Lemon picture and paragraph above from this website.)

How I am feeling & how I am changing...

I feel wonderful so far! I have been blessed with no nausea or morning sickness whatsoever. Praise God! I have only had one day where my stomach felt a little "off," (during week 13) but it was NOT bad at all. During the early weeks I would wake up each day wondering if "today was the day" that I would get sick. Ha! At one point I was even wondering if everything was OK since I felt 100% normal. I am convinced that my continued acupuncture treatments has helped offset typical first trimester symptoms. Since we all know I am a fan of acupuncture I will just leave it at that and not continue writing an entire paragraph (you can thank me later). I was extremely tired during the early weeks but that has passed and I now have much more energy. I am thirsty 24/7 so it is not uncommon to see me chugging water all day long. I have also noticed that I am shedding hair more rapidly than normal which is due most likely to the crazy hormone surges going on inside my body! My sleeping habits are up and down but 1 - this is typical for me in general and 2 - I have heard that is fairly normal during pregnancy.

I definitely started to notice a baby bump at the end of week 12. Of course it was and still is the awkward phase where I don't look pregnant, but have just a little pudginess in the tummy area. Basically looks like I ate too much. My shorts and pants are starting to get snug (totally have the tummy hangover when I zip my shorts!) and I am not sure how much longer before I convert to maternity bottoms.

8 week belly shot

12 week belly shot

What I am eating & what I am thinking:

My eating habits have not changed too much since I have felt good. I am basically just listening to my body and eating more on days when I know I need it. I have not had any intense food cravings although It is funny because I am choosing certain foods over those that I would typically choose. For example, these days I will go for red meat over chicken or fish whereas pre pregnancy I was not a huge red meat eater. Now I am always eyeing the steak meat or ground beef options on any menu! I have been preferring cold cereal in the mornings vs. my typical hot oatmeal breakfast. Oh and coffee sounds pretty awful (only drinking decaf when I do have some but I usually can't even drink one cup before tossing it). The only other odd food tidbit is that I have been snacking on trail mix w/ raisins, goldfish and/or the sweet & salty honey nut flavored chex mix each afternoon. I am fully aware that this choice is giving me zero nutrients and that it resembles that of a 3rd graders lunch box but oh well! This combo just always sounds so delicious when I am reaching for an afternoon snack.

Brandon and I have decided we want to find out the sex of the baby. We are hoping to find out at our ultrasound sometime in December. We have been tossing around names and nursery ideas but honestly just decided to wait until we know boy or girl in order to eliminate half of the "debate." Ha! Not sure if we will do some type of fun reveal or not - still thinking on this one.

I have been doing some reading at night in hopes to gain a little insight to this whole raising an infant thing but I am sure a lot of parenting is just trial and error and learn as you go. I have not been thinking too much about the actual childbirth part for many reasons. 1 - we still have 26 weeks to go and 2 - it really (I mean really) freaks me out. I will be getting an epidural (or two, or three - lol) end of discussion. I appreciate all of my friends and family who have gone al natural but that is not my thing. I love you little baby but I do not want to feel you coming out of my body.

Bring on the pain meds thank you very much.

I think that is all for now. I will post another update during week 16. Thanks again for all of your support and prayers during this time! We feel so blessed to have such an amazing family and group of friends.

PSALM 139:14

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,

I know that full well."

Guilt . . . Are you still holding on?

2011-11-05T08:57:00.000-05:00

Guilt...

It is a nasty five letter word. It is one of those emotions that can start off small yet over time, if not extinguished, has the ability to grow, fester and take over your life.

Webster's dictionary defines guilt as:

: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly :guilty conduct

a : the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciouslyb : feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : self-reproach

: a feeling of culpability for offenses

There are an unlimited number of reasons that one might feel a sense of guilt.

I am sure you have been there. You spoke a harsh word in the heat of the moment. You hesitated when you felt God nudging you to speak His word bodly. You didn't make time for that one "hard to love" friend or family member only to realize your time with them was cut short. You feel guilty about past decisions - a relationship gone haywire, a little white lie that didn't seem so bad at the time or a situation you manipulated to get your way. The list goes on and on and on really. If you stop and think about it you probably have several reasons to feel guilty.

I don't say this to bring on MORE guilt but just as a way to realize how overwhelming the emotion can be if we welcome it in and let it take refuge in our hearts.

When I first learned that I would be facing the road of infertility, and that this was most likely due to MY CHOICE to starve and not nourish my body, guilt rolled in STRONG. Most couples who are facing infertility are not there by choice. Yet I had messed with my body in such a way where I had altered it functioning thus impairing it's ability to conceive naturally. Ouch.

I had days and nights where I would just cry and cry apologizing to Brandon for the choices I had made and how it now was now affecting HIS future. (Side note: At 89 pounds I wasn't really stopping to think how my selfishness, and desire to wear a 00, could potentially harm my husband). It was ALL my fault and I just knew that God was finally punishing me for my actions. I would sit in the fertility clinic thinking "no one but myself put us here." I had asked God for forgiveness (when I started down my journey of recovery) but for some reason I didn't believe He had heard me or had washed away my sin. I felt I owed it to Him to keep asking and asking and apologizing and apologizing and begging and begging for forgivenss. I let guilt take over. I let it in and I let it stay.

I will never forget what Brandon said to me one day amidst my tears and sobs of apologies.

"Britt, we are a team. We have been a team from day one and we will walk this road together. You have NO reason to feel guilty about what WAS. You are a new person and are living a NEW life. You are not making the same choices and you are living healthfully. God heard you and is no longer holding your past mistakes over you head. LET IT GO. I have. God has and He is waiting for you to do the same. If you don't let it go it will be impossible to face the road ahead."

Wow.

He was exactly right. (Why are husbands always so smart?) What Brandon said is SO true and hit me like a ton of bricks. If my Father is no longer thinking about my past and holding on to my sin, why in the world am I? Why am I not allowing myself to find joy in His forgiveness and loving embrace?

In fact He tells us that ...

"If you are serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes on the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ - that's where the action is. See things from His perspective. Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life - even though invisible to spectators - is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up too - the real you, the glorious you..."

The Message, Colossians 3:1-3

This fresh perspective allowed me to leave all my ED and infertility related guilt at HIS throne. Forever.

Do you struggle with guilt?

Are you holding on to something from your past?

It is time to let it go.

And baby makes 3

2011-10-25T20:49:00.000-05:00

So there is a little secret I have been keeping from the blog world....

I'm PREGNANT!

We are thrilled and excited and overjoyed and thankful and a million other emotions I cannot adequately express. I just updated the fertility journey page so for those of you who really do enjoy all the nitty gritty details just click on over to get specifics. For those of you who prefer a bullet point run down:

Our frozen embryo transfer took place on August 23rd (transferred two embryos)
We received a positive blood pregnancy test on September 8th
Ultrasound on September 13th revealed two sacs = twins!
We heard two heartbeats on September 16th, crazy and amazing!
Ultrasound on September 20th showed that Baby A's heart rate had dropped significantly and that we will be closely monitored to see what happens. Our Dr prepared us for the (high) chance that we would miscarry Baby A.
Ultrasound on 9/27 showed that baby A no longer had a heartbeat. :(

It's amazing to experience such a wide range of emotions when learning that you have miscarried yet are still pregnant. I found out about Baby A at 8:00AM that Tuesday. I cried all the way to work as my heart ached for this little one (whose heartbeat I just heard the week prior). Yet once I arrived at work it was as if God's peace just blanketed over me, covering me from head to toe. I wiped away my tears and then stared (for what felt like a solid 5 minutes) at Baby B's ultrasound, which was perfect in every way. At that moment I was able to smile and praise God for his good gifts and was reminded of the song "Blessed Be the Name of The Lord," especially the part that says "he gives and takes away." I have never experienced anything more true. God chooses to give and take away in His time. For His glory and for His good. I now feel completely at peace that, for whatever reason, God knew that one baby was enough for us right now.

I was discharged from my fertility clinic on 10/10. It was such an exciting day. All of the nurses were giving big hugs, smiles and well wishes. They have walked this journey with me and I am forever grateful for their time, compassion and encouragement.
I was seen by my regular OBGYN for the first time, today 10/25. The ultrasound revealed a strong and vibrant baby. It is amazing that we could see the body (heads, arms, legs) so clearly. The little one was actually jumping around every few seconds which made me LOL which made the baby jump even more. Priceless! Our official due date is May 10, 2012.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!

It means the world to know that our family, friends and even "blog world" buddies care enough to speak directly to the Father on our behalf. Your encouragement and support has made the hard moments so much easier. We know you will continue to pray for us and for the little baby growing inside of me and so again we say THANK YOU!

I will be updating the blog from time to time with pregnancy news and experiences along the way.

For now, I will leave you with a few pictures. I couldn't resist sharing some of these photos with you.

Picture of one of the two embryos at time of transfer.
Isn't it amazing that each and every baby starts out looking like this?

The arrow above is pointing to both embryos (looks like a white dash) that were implanted into the uterus.

Baby at 10 weeks pregnant. Last ultrasound with the fertility clinic.
The black (tiny) sac above the main sac is where Baby A was at one time.

Baby at 12 weeks pregnant. First ultrasound with my regular OB.
Can you spot the head and feet?

Baby at 12 weeks pregnant

Let the heavens be glad and let the earth rejoice; and let men say among the nations, The Lord reigns!

1 Chronicles 16: 31

Clothes in the closet

2011-10-15T19:39:00.001-05:00

One question I frequently get asked when someone learns of my ED past is “Was it hard to gain back the needed weight?” My sarcastic side wants to reply “No, actually, it was incredibly easy. I barely even noticed my body changing. I just started eating a lot more and one day I realized I was healthy again.” Yeah right. Yes - it was hard and probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do at this point in my life. Wrapping my mind around gaining 20 pounds when I was literally freaked out about gaining one was enough to send me over the edge on some days. I worked closely & frequently with my therapist during this initial phase of recovery. She provided much support, encouragement and hands on advice of things I should do to make the process, of gaining weight, easier. I mentioned in this post how she encouraged me to create recovery cards which provided visual encouragement when I felt like throwing in the towel. Those cards were very helpful although she had another tip that was (what I would consider) most essential to my success.

Get rid of the clothes in your closet.

Photo courtesy of this site
My dream closet.

That’s right. All of the clothes that fit me (at that time) I was to bag up and take immediately to Good Will or another charity of choice. No setting them aside in a bin under the bed or on a closet shelf. Nope, that was not allowed. My immediate response to this suggestion was “Well I should keep them until they start to feel snug and THEN I will shop for new clothes.” She shot that idea down hard core.

So what did I do? I went home and bagged up all the clothes with a size 00 label (not a typo - two zeros people. For some this might be a natural body size but not for me) and left them in the bag inside my closet. Baby steps right? At least I was able to take them off hangers and put them out of immediate sight, or so I told myself. Yet day after day I would continue to reach for my (then) favorite pair of jeans. Thankfully, I was eating more and following my meal plans and so the weight started to come. Soon these favorite jeans started getting tight and I noticed a direct correlation in my mood. Trying to squeeze myself into jeans that are cutting off my circulation = Brittnie sporting a really crabby attitude. All. Day. Long. How Brandon put up with me I will never know. It was then I realized that my therapist was right. I had to get the clothes OUT of my closet once and for all. On the day of my next therapy session, I bagged up all my "unhealthy" clothes, put them in the trunk of my car, and drove to my appointment. I admitted to my therapist what I had done (not like she didn’t know) and promised that immediately after our appointment I was taking the clothes to a donation center. That is exactly what I did.

So what is a girl to do who is in the midst of body changes with no clothes that fit (my healthy clothes were still too big at that time)? Shop! Yep, my therapist gave me permission to shop it up until I had several items to wear which would fill the gap until my body returned to its healthy shape. This was the BEST decision I made during early recovery. Wearing jeans that had some give (you know... where I could actually breathe) continued to give me the strength I needed to press on.

Let's think about it:

Trying to gain weight + squeezing your body into clothes that do not fit = always thinking about the negative aspects of a changing body which also = a 24/7 rotten attitude.

My pessimistic attitude lifted immediately once I expanded my wardrobe. Out with the old and in with the new if you will. I was able to live day to day not focused on weight but focused on LIFE.

If I had to name one piece of advice for someone who is hoping to recover from an ED it would be:

Get rid of the clothes in your closet.

Not tomorrow.
Not five pounds from now.

TODAY.

Photo courtesy of this site
Dream closet #2. Or #1. I really can't decide.

Interestingly enough, this metaphor can overlap with so many areas in life, not just ED recovery.

So now It's your turn to do the talking. Can you relate?

Are there any "clothes" in your closet that you need to bag up and pass off, for good?

Not goodbye, just see you later

2011-10-07T00:00:00.003-05:00

Well friends… today is the day. The day that I talked about in this post. It seems like it was just yesterday that I was turning in my resignation and still had 10 weeks left on the job. I am not sure it has really hit me yet. In fact it probably won’t hit me until Monday morning when I wave bye to Brandon and then realize that I am at home, alone, and not in the car riding into work. Poor Brandon now has to face Houston traffic solo; no HOV riding for him anymore. I am very excited about this change and new phase in life, yet at the same time I am sad to say bye to my coworkers today. My supervisors are adamant that we won’t say goodbye but instead “see you later,” since they continue to remind me that I am required to visit at least 1x a month and bring my "famous" baked goods to their departmental meeting. (For some reason they think my baked goods are out of this world. I suppose they just don’t have much to compare it to, ha!). At any rate, it will be a fun excuse to visit from time to time.

Today is a closing of one life chapter and the beginning of another. I am sure many of you have experienced similar emotions that come with a big life change. A friend asked me recently “So you feel sad, ok, but do you still feel at peace with your decision to resign?”And I had to answer her “Yes. One hundred percent.” So with that I can walk out the doors at 5:00pm, head held high, knowing that while I will miss my role, my coworkers and my clients, I have an entirely new adventure ahead. For the last four and a half years I have played a role in people's family tree, their family history. Now it is time to take those experiences and use them to continue good work, just in a different way. And that, my friends, is worth getting excited about.

Adoption/Post Adoption team at our Family Fun Day, August 2011

National Adoption Day

Adoption/Post Adoption team (at one point) at our annual retreat

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might..." Ecclesiastes 9:10

My top 10 interesting (& totally random) facts about acupuncture... so that you will become intrigued and want to try it asap

2011-09-26T00:00:00.001-05:00

The needles look nothing like this. Promise. You do not even feel the needles as they are super thin, almost like a strand of hair. I throughly enjoy being sticked on a weekly basis.
You get a weekly tongue check up. This (odd) analysis allows your practitioner to review your overall state of balance. Apparently there are all different types, looks and colors of tongues. See... this is something I never knew before acupuncture. I am wiser now.
You get to listen to some awesome meditation lullabies as you lie there day dreaming about how your body is naturally healing itself.
You are guaranteed to fall asleep approximately 10 seconds after the practitioner inserts the needles and turns on said lullabies. Or make that 5 seconds. Twas my experience last Friday.
Your body is made up of different meridians, all of which have a different function in helping your body maintain Chi (aka Qi). The practitioner strategically places the needles along these meridians in order to specifically address your particular health or wellness challenge. Lucky for me... this means my feet, ankles, legs, inner knee, lower abdomen, upper chest, hands, wrists, forehead and yes occasionally the very top of my head.
You will learn if you are naturally warm or cool, hot or cold. You want to know now don't you?
Your pulse will also be analyzed on a weekly basis. I have never asked what my practitioner has learned from closing his eyes, holding my wrist and intently listening to beat after beat. I should probably ask this week.
After waking up from the best "feels like three hours but really was only 30 minute slumber ever," you will drive back to work in a trance, much like you would after receiving a one hour relaxation massage. Except this trance cannot be compared to anything you might experience at Epique Massage. Story for another day. In short, please don't go there. Please.
You will get weekly food recommendations based on your health challenge and overall progress. Read about one girls experience here. Pineapple/walnut smoothie anyone?
If you are extra lucky your practitioner will hook you up to jumper cables. I mean, come on, when else would you get to experience this? Ok... they are not really jumper cables but look pretty darn similar. Picture this...needles in your stomach and two cables attached to the end of each needle. Cables are attached to a box on the floor with pedals. Practitioner hooks you up, turns on box w/ foot on pedal and says "Tell me when you start to feel this." I semi freaked out the first time this happened although now I kind of (ok really) look forward to this added element of relaxation.

Some of the many acupuncture pressure points.
Courtesy of google image.

I originally became interested in acupuncture after reading this book. It took a lot of reading and more research on my part before becoming convinced that there is some truth behind these semi-odd Chinese medicine practices. Yet after four months of needles, lullabies, jumper cables and various supplements, I can say I am a firm believer. I initially sought out acupuncture to help my body restore it's hormonal imbalance and compliment my (traditional Western medicine based) fertility treatments and to my surprise, I have seen improvements in many more areas. I sleep better at night, my stress is lower overall, I feel less anxious about every day situations, I have not had one headache in the past four months, and most importantly to me (although probably not to you) my IBS/digestive issues have become much more manageable.

So what do you think? Does acupuncture totally freak you out?

Have you ever tried it for yourself?

Shift in perspective

2011-09-11T19:40:00.000-05:00

I was on a plane from Hartford to Houston Wednesday evening when I discovered something new about myself. (We had been on vacation visiting my aunt, uncle and cousins for six glorious days and were having to return to the real world. Boo). For some reason we thought booking a flight home with two stops (that of course ran late) was a good idea so in a dire attempt to pass the time I picked up a copy of Self Magazine.

Not the actual issue I picked up, but you get the idea.

I suppose you need a little bit of history to understand the incredible impact of my discovery. When I was deeply struggling with my ED I thrived on the content of health and fitness magazines. I craved them really, as sad as that sounds as I sit here and type. I would read them cover to cover, and take mental notes of each and every tip learning how to eat leaner, work out harder, and shed those extra unwanted pounds. I was obsessed to put it bluntly. I discarded this obsession as me simply trying to be "healthy." I would reason that "healthy" isn't a shameful goal, so obviously there was nothing wrong with my worshiping of said magazines. Ironically, the more I read the more unhealthy I became.

Once I was on the road to recovery my relationship with the health and fitness magazines was one of the first things to go. I knew that in order to get better I needed to fill my mind with other thoughts and images. So I threw out all the magazines in the house and unsubscribed from email newsletters with like messages. I was even careful not to pick one up to simply browse while standing in line at the grocery store check out. Go big or go home.

So back to my plane ride last week. I picked up a recent Self Magazine issue, not in an obsessive way, but just in hopes to make the 6 hour trek home a little more bearable. As I flipped the pages I found myself skipping article after article. Read a few lines, flip the page and repeat. Why? Not because I was making a cognizant effort to block the images from my mind but because I was B.O.R.E.D. I'm talking totally bored out of my mind. I didn't care two cents about how to get a tighter stomach, booty or abs all while eating the most bang for your buck. So after about five minutes, once I put the magazine in the seat pocket in front of me, it hit me.

My perspective has changed in a BIG way. My old thoughts and obsessions have now been replaced with something real and something truly healthy. My Creator. I know, without a doubt, that He was smiling with me as I tossed the magazine in the garbage without so much as a blink of an eye.

I was once lost but He rescued me from my dark place. He has matured my heart, mind and spirit and I am a new person. My perspective has shifted, for the better.

In what area of life have you experienced a shift in perspective? Can you relate?

I would love to hear!

Note - In no way I am claiming Self, or any like magazine, to be a poor source of information for all people. It certainly does contain positive messages about overall wellness. I am simply describing a portion of my journey w/ ED and how, through recovery, my overall views & habits have changed.

Change and the power of letting go...

2011-09-04T11:00:00.007-05:00

I don't do change... at least very well. I am the type of person that needs advance notice when my schedule is going to change or when I am adding something new to my daily responsibilities. I am not the spontaneous one in my marriage whereas Brandon can pick up and go on a moment's notice, make plans five minutes before those plans are to take place, etc etc. No. Not me. I am the type you have to ease into something if you want me to agree. I know many of you are now thinking back to many Friday nights where we turned you down for a last minute dinner invitation or movie night. Yep. My bad.

Now that the confession has been made it's time to let you in on a little fact that I have not yet mentioned on the blog. Why? Please refer to the paragraph above. I resigned from my job at DePelchin Children's Center. On July 28, 2011 to be exact. This is a decision that I have been contemplating for many months now. Yes you see since I don't do the whole change thing I just sit on my thoughts for months and months and continue to weigh the pros and cons until I am blue in the face. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who supports me, will talk things over with me one million times yet who ultimately (and very gently) encourages me to either make a decision or "get over it."

DePelchin is an AMAZING organization. The past 4.5 years have been a blessing and some of my coworkers are now my dear friends. Yet there are times in life where we must make decisions that are best for our overall mental, spiritual and physical well being. Since starting my fertility journey two questions my OBGYN, fertility Dr, acupuncturist and therapist have all asked over and over again is "Is there any way to lower your stress level?" and "Can you quit your job?" Seriously... you do not know how many times they asked me these two things. At first I totally dismissed the idea of quitting my job. I mean why would I quit? I would reason that I should continue to work in my role as a social worker b/c 1 - We didn't have children yet so why would I leave now? and 2 - Why would I not contribute financially at a time where I can continue to bring in money and save for the future? and 3 - Why in the world did I get my MSW at one of the top social work schools in the nation, only to work for 4.5 years? Plus I love my job, my role in the agency and my clients. I love the satisfaction I get from assisting clients as they add to their family through adoption. But, you see... there is this little bitty factor called S. T. R. E. S. S.

Now I am not dumb nor am I naive. I know each and every job in this world comes with stressful situations, deadlines and dilemmas. But I will say boldly that the stress that comes from being a social worker, working directly with people & their raw emotions on a day in day out basis, can over time become completely consuming and overwhelming. Some days I feel I am able to leave work at work when the clock hits 5pm, while other days I am not as easily able to disassociate. Brandon has even mentioned many times over the last year that while I don't think I am stressing about work he can read it all over my face and knows that my mind never stops. Ugh... he knows me too well. Plus, working with women who find themselves in a crisis pregnancy (or yet another crisis pregnancy) all while I am trying so desperately to conceive, can bring out a whole new realm of emotions. But that is an entirely different post for another day.

I was talking with my therapist one day about my fertility journey and she looked me straight in the face and said something like "Brittnie, do you understand that the level of stress your body continues to endure (from work) plays just as big role in you not getting pregnant as any other health factor? It might be time to rearrange your priorities and focus in order to meet your goal of pregnancy." Hmmmm. So I went home, did more research (therapists opinion was confirmed in this book), prayed and came to my final decision (with Brandon's urging and support).

I can say with 100% peace that this decision is right. I feel it is the right time and that I am ready for a new adventure. Yet while I know this peace is coming from the Lord, I am finding it hard to slowly let go and walk away. Yes... it goes back to the whole I don't do change very well thing. I find myself worrying about my clients, my role at the agency and all the tiny little details I handle on a daily basis. I ask myself "What if they forget x, y or z?" or "I have worked so hard the last 4.5 years to make this program the best it can be...what will happen when I leave?" My mind explodes and I have to literally tell myself to STOP. I need to let go. I need to give up the control. Yes... I am also a control freak. I guess that is confession #2 or 3 for this post. Not surprising that this little personality trait of mine is what paved the path for my battle with anorexia. Through my ED recovery I have learned the importance of giving up control (when needed) and just letting go. Life is not about extremes. Life is not about living in only black or white with no middle ground. It's about learning to lean on a God that is bigger than myself and trusting Him to take the reigns and drive my future towards His will. Oh how freeing this is! I did it with anorexia and I can do it now with my job.

So while I will continue to give it my all until October 7, 2011 (my last day) I will not let my controlling nature take over. I will not stress about this change and I will not become fearful. I will choose to take a step back, take a deep breath, let go and actively watch and wait for God to do His thing. Oh... and eagerly await the day I start my new job as a nanny for two adorable toddlers! Bye bye working nights, weekends and 24 hour on call. Hello Houston zoo, Children's museum and picnics in the park. :)

Do you struggle with change?

In what area of life do you have a hard time letting go?

Thoughts for Thursday

2011-09-01T02:33:00.000-05:00

What would you add to this list?

Who is Jesus to you?

Dear PIO

2011-08-29T21:07:00.001-05:00

Dear Progesterone In Oil,
Oh how I loathe you. From day one you have not been nice to me. Here I am asking for your help and you just laugh in my face. The nurses warned me about you. Oh yes they told me you would be painful, cause my bottom to swell, turn red and form welts the size of large strawberries. You might think it is funny that you cause me to walk like an 80 year old woman but really it's not. I hate to sit down because your after effects never. go. away. You are like the mean girls I avoided in middle school. I bet you are secretly talking to them (you know who they are!) and informing them of your tortuous ways. Follistim was a lot cooler than you and I mean this literally. You make me sweat especially at night while I am wide awake from your insomnia inducing ways. Why do you have to be so thick and why is your needle seriously two inches long? That is totally unnecessary. I say this in the love of Jesus but you totally suck. Just being honest. Why cannot I inject you in my thigh or area of my butt that has some extra skin??? Seriously the intramuscular portion of my booty was a bad call on your part. Who wants to shoot themselves in their booty muscle? Enough said.

Regardless of our relationship the past eleven days I will not give up on you. Deep down I know your heart is good and you are just trying to support me and my goals of motherhood. So because of this I will not post crazy U tube videos of myself injecting you. Yes you should take a look online because there are some crazies out there that actually video themselves shooting their booty up for the world to see. Who does that? Instead I will continue to stick out our friendship day after day. I won't ever leave you waiting so you don't have to worry about me standing you up. I will be there at 9:00pm every. single. night or until Dr. Gill tells me otherwise. See you in T minus 5 minutes.

Love,
Brittnie

Yes this is the actual size of the PIO needle. This is not my actual finger.
Thanks google image.

Another comparion. Fun times.

What the Blackburn kitchen looks like on any given night. Yes we look like druggies.

Visual encouragement

2011-08-21T18:54:00.002-05:00

I want to share our recent decor addition to our master bedroom. I have wanted to add something to spruce up our walls, for a long while now, but just have never known what exactly to put in the space. And let's face it. I am challenged in all things interior design or anything that involves using the creative part of my brain.

Just ask Brandon, my mom or really anyone who knows me well. Someone will try to describe this perfect decorating idea or tidbit and I will just stare back like a deer in headlights. Then after about 15 different descriptions in order to help me "get it," I start to shake my head in agreement, or perhaps change up my facial expression, although really I have no clue what they are talking about.

Thanks, dad for not passing down your creative gene.

Anyway, one day I was browsing the internet, looking for inspiration, and found this awesome site.

I then saw this Jeremiah 29:11 decal and new I hit jackpot. I started to get excited as, for once, this was 100% my idea and my find! I knew exactly where I wanted it to go and promptly ordered it online. There is an empty space of wall to the left side of our night table that can be seen as soon as you turn the hallway and start walking the direction to our bedroom.

The decal came in last week and we hung it Friday evening. The process took three hours but that is another story for another day.

(Side note - Everyone please tell Brandon how much you like it as he swore to me Friday night, after he developed several blisters from rubbing each individual letter so long, that we will never be hanging a decal in our house again...end of discussion. Little does he know I have already been searching for a super cute decal for a future nursery...shhhh... don't tell.)

I love that each time I walk towards my bedroom I will stare at this piece of visual encouragement. Multiple times each day I will be greeted with this reminder of hope which in turn provides my heart with peace. Whether it be related to my fertility journey, ED recovery, or some other issue on my heart on any given day, I can be still and know that His plan is perfect.

He knows what is best and He wants nothing more than to shower his blessings on each of his children. On me. On you. And the cool part...each day this promise remains unchanged. The challenges we face in life are not God's secret attempts to hurt us or bring us pain. That doesn't mean we won't hurt b/c He guarantees that we will. But He doesn't leave us us to fight or grieve alone.

He is right there, holding our hand, and each day brings us the promise of Jeremiah 29:11.

Guinea pig

2011-08-17T22:54:00.000-05:00

Apparently I am the guinea pig at my fertility clinic. Yes you read that right. Any time the nurses are training someone new they always choose my appointment as the training opportunity. Maybe they think I am just nice and won't get annoyed but seriously. So today I am sitting in the room waiting for my ultrasound and in walks two nurses (um red flag!) and nurse #1 (my usual nurse) says "Hi Ms. Britt. You are our guinea pig today!" Oh great. Here we go again. Apparently nurse #2 (new girl) is learning how to use the ultrasound machine. I will spare you the details but just imagine having to lay there (freezing b/c you are half dressed) while they chat back and forth about how to use the wand (it is already in use if you get my drift) and how to get the best image on the screen. The fun continues as it takes 5 minutes to find my uterus, 5 more minutes to find my right ovary and 5 more minutes to find my left ovary. Oh and then she has to measure my uterine lining. Another 5 minutes. And of all days their restrooms are out of order so my bladder is beyond full. The wand action is not helping the bladder situation. Awesome. Once nurse #2 captures all images needed for the doctor she says cheerfully "All done!" as if it took two seconds.

I then ask about a new medication I will be starting soon & how exactly it works. Nurse #1 says "Oh I can show you right now." Sounds like a plan to me. She then tells me to me stand up, turn around (remember I am still 1/2 dressed) and proceeds to draw two large circles on my booty with black sharpie showing exactly where I will administer the medication. Double awesome. As the guinea pig I was fully expecting her to ask me to model her drawings for other patients so that they too can benefit from this visual reference point. But alas she did not. So eventually I get dressed with my new & improved bulls eye booty, sprint to the nearest working restroom and eventually make my way to work for the day. Never a dull moment for this guinea pig...never a dull moment.

This is me.

Real Women...

2011-08-13T08:13:00.003-05:00

Are not perfect
Eat when they are hungry
Love, laugh, sing and dance
Thank their body for what it can do, not attack it for what it may lack
Are not defined by the scale
Embrace their bodies - flaws and all
Take risks
Try, fail and try again
Do not compare themselves to celebrities and skewed media images
Stand up to their fears
Get messy
Honor their bodies
Are willing to say yes but are also willing to say no
Eat dessert (hello full fat Blue Bell)
Strive for balance
Tell ED (or any unhealthy voice) to shove it
Go to therapy
Ask for help
Serve others
Show kindness to others but realize they cannot please everyone, all the time
Embrace life
Reflect on past mistakes
Realize they are worth more than a jean size
Eat carbs..yummy delicious carbs (Carrabba's anyone?)
Pray for healing
Put the measuring cups away
Find joy in their imperfections
Share their struggles
Give up control (or as many say "Let Go and Let God")
Experiment with their food
Pray, watch, listen and pray some more
Enjoy eating out
Exercise for health, not just calorie burn
Have curves (bye bye middle school bod)
Call their family
Are not threatened by constructive criticism
Call their friends
Give themselves permission to relax
Realize that life would be pretty darn boring if we all were exact replicas of each other
Are a work in progress
Encourage others
Laugh at themselves
Take time to slow down and enjoy little moments
Love Jesus

The list above was originally developed during my initial ED recovery although over time I have added "real women" thoughts that I find encouraging.

Based on your life experiences, what would you add to this list?

Please do share in the comments.

Enjoy your weekend!

Midlife Eating Disorders

2011-08-07T13:30:00.001-05:00

A common misconception in society, I believe, is that eating disorders typically only impact young, pre teen or teenage females. Many people assume that eating disorders are a "high school" issue. This was not my story. I did not begin to struggle with anorexia until my early-mid 20's. Yet it doesn't stop here. Growing research shows that eating disorders effect woman (and men) of all ages. People in their 30's, 40's and 50's are being treated by nutritionists, therapists and in/out patient rehabilitation programs.

We are the real deal is a website that strives to speak out boldly on issues such as eating disorders, body image, self esteem, society's distorted view of beauty and overall health and wellness. While I have not read each and every post (and thus cannot endorse every view presented) I think they do an awesome job of speaking out when many chose to ignore or be silent. We are the real deal recently posted a video clip from the Today show titled "Women's midlife crisis - eating disorders." The video is below. I find this information interesting and the clip bring awareness to (what I think is) a very important topic.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Does this information surprise you?

Why or why not?

Circle of Life

2011-08-01T13:00:00.003-05:00

Grandma Trudie with a few of her grandchildren

Some of you know that my Grandma Trudie has been suffering from pancreatic cancer for the past 1.5 years. Through it all she has been nothing but positive about the diagnosis and, up until a few months ago, could still run circles around me and the other grandchildren. Seriously... she would walk out of chemo (beat everyone to the car!!!) and then go on with her day shopping, cooking or helping my mom with various tasks. Her attitude and energetic spirit is contagious & she is leaving an amazing legacy. Her health has recently taken a turn for the worse. We do not expect her to live much longer. She is now at her home with hospice care.

I was so blessed to spend this past weekend with her. This picture is how I will always remember my Grandma Trudie. Here she is literally not knowing how much longer she might live but she has a smile plastered all over that cute face. She is amazing. She is God fearing. She will be missed but she will live on. Her legacy continues. I will do my part to continue it. And I know that while we will be separated for a short while we will most definitely see each other again.

Please call your family today and tell them how much you love them!! While not all of us are suffering from cancer or a serious illness one thing in life is certain...we are not promised tomorrow. Each new day is a blessing from the Creator. The Creator of life. Soon my Grandma Trudie will get to meet Him. Oh what a glorious day!!! If you know Trudie well you will probably agree that she will be the life of the party up there. Don't have too much fun without us Grandma!! And always know that "I love you the morest!!" (Trudie's favorite saying)

*Update 8/7/11: My Grandma Trudie passed away at approximately 4:00am today, August 7, 2011. She passed peacefully into the arms of Jesus with absolutely no pain or distress. Thank you all for your continued love and prayers on behalf of my family & Grandma during this time. We appreciate it so very much!*

He is not oppressing me …. He is stretching me

2011-07-25T23:50:00.019-05:00

The message from the church pulpit this past Sunday could not have come at a better time. Funny thing is… I was not supposed to even be in church this past Sunday. That was NOT the plan. The plan was for me to be at home, on the couch, watching movies and endless hours of The Food Network while simultaneously reading the latest issue of People magazine. Yes total bed rest was the plan going into last weekend. Why? I had made it all the way through my egg retrieval (on 7/17) and the embryo transfer was scheduled for 1:00pm on Friday the 22nd. Well (long story short) the transfer did not happen. For some reason God had another plan and wanted me at church, not reading the latest celebrity gossip. He wanted me to hear the message, specifically titled Is Your God Too Small???

I will be quite honest and say that laying in the OR bed on Friday with nurses surrounding me, seeing Brandon in a while marshmallow jumpsuit (yes it was rather humorous), and the nurses explaining to me exactly how the doctor will perform the transfer (while they are making sure I am comfortable and hooking up all the machines, equipment, etc) can build up quite a level of anticipation and excitement. Oh and they had already given me a Valium. So yes, I was starting to feel a little relaxed. The nurse joked that after transfer was complete I would be considered PUPO (sounds like poop-o, an in house term meaning “pregnant until proven otherwise”). Then in a matter of minutes the conversation turned serious. The Dr arrived and was started to explain to us the possible risks if he preformed even a single embryo transfer. Excuse me what? Are you serious? Are we really having this conversation as I am lying here seconds from seeing my little embryos on the ultrasound machine? Honest to goodness I was laying there thinking I was on the craziest episode ever in the history of Punk’d and that Ashton Kutcher was going to jump around the corner (also in his white marshmallow jumpsuit) and then we would all laugh and get on with business. For real I started looking around for TV cameras. Yet Ashton never made an appearance and the Dr wasn’t joking. Wow. OK so we have a decision to make… like now. Apparently my ovaries are severely inflamed and the follicles that were not retrieved are still growing strong. Proceeding with a one embryo transfer could put myself at risk, again, for ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome. So we either take that risk, or do nothing today, freeze the embryos, and do a frozen embryo transfer cycle (FET) in August or September. Now you can imagine that at this point in a treatment cycle I am one big walking hormone waiting to explode. Literally. So I was no where in the right frame of mind to make said decision. I looked at Brandon and told him (well more like sobbed through my tears) to make the call and I will respect whatever he decides. That is when the Dr looked at Brandon and said “If this was my wife, I would not even put one embryo in her right now.” And with that comment the decision was made. Ten minutes later I am getting dressed (still loopy from the Valium) and being wheeled to the car in a wheel chair for a procedure that did not even happen.

So as I sat in church on Sunday listening to the message I could not help but think it was directed at me. God knew what I needed to hear that day. One comment was made in the sermon about how God does not put us through trials to oppress us but to stretch us. When I was wheeled out of the surgery center on Friday afternoon I knew God was with me and that He was still my biggest fan… but let’s be real… I was mad, frustrated, confused and hurting. Everything in this treatment cycle (attempt # 5) had gone perfect. To. A. T. And then the big shocker on Friday. Yet as I sit here writing this out, four days later, I can say with confidence that God is not oppressing me in this struggle to conceive; He is stretching me. He is stretching me to handle more than ever thought possible; He is stretching me to love deeper and give bigger and practice more patience & empathy with others. He is stretching my marriage (for the better). He is stretching me to know that regardless of my plans and expectations He is the only constant. He is the only master planner. His stretching allows more of me to cling to Him. And that is what life is all about really… isn’t it…clinging to God in each and every happy, sad, joyful, unexpected and tearful moment? So while I am still sad from the letdown of Friday (and I still cry off and on… yes hormones are still raging...just ask Brandon!) I can rejoice in knowing that God is not my oppressor, He is my stretcher. And for that I have much to be thankful for.

So now what? I wait for God to do His thing. And pray. Pray without ceasing.

Pray for His perfect plan and for my little (frozen) embryos that I can't wait to meet.

"For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their prayer..."
I Peter 3:12
"Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear to dull to hear..."
Isaiah 59:1

How is God stretching you?

Recovery cards

2011-07-15T05:30:00.003-05:00

I mentioned in a previous post that one recommendation from my therapist, early on in recovery, was to write out both the psychological and physical benefits of life without an ED. At the beginning I was basically "faking it" and I needed some quick reminders as to why in the world I was choosing to walk away from ED. When I started to increase my caloric intake and pants started to get snug, I would pull out the cards below & read them to myself (OK... sometimes out loud). This was SUCH a helpful tool. I definitely recommend this exercise for someone who is in recovery from an ED but honestly it can apply to any area of life that needs attention. We all need reminders from time to time as to why we are choosing a certain path. Life gets hard. It can get ugly, messy and far from fair at times. It is imperative in moments of doubt and weakness that we are able to redirect out focus back to the positive. That is what these cards did for me. And take note - none of them say anything about weight. (I apologize for the poor photo quality. Still trying to learn all this blogging business.)

psychological benefits

physical benefits

(Yes - I just mentioned sex & constipation on the blog. TMI? Maybe...but I did not want to alter the recovery cards in any way. Just keeping it real my friends...keeping it real.)

Questions:

Have you ever developed or incorporated a similar tool?

If so, what was the purpose?

Were your "recovery cards" helpful to you in the long run?

Make it a great day!

Reflections from the waiting room

2011-07-08T17:00:00.001-05:00

Over the last 10 months I have spent countless minutes (hours!) in the lobby of my fertility clinic. I say hi to the front desk receptionist, sign in and then wait to be called back. Some days I read a magazine while I wait. Other days I choose to text message my mom or add notes to my never ending to do list. Yet today was different. I guess my mind was in a different place all together. I signed in, plopped myself down on the couch and began to look around. As I began to look around, wonder & amazement filled my mind. The clinic was especially busy today and many others were also waiting. Infertility is all around us. Really it is. Until I began this process I never truly grasped just how many couples face infertility challenges. Infertility is not limited to a certain race, ethnicity, body size, body shape, religion or economic status. Infertility has no bounds. In a way this realization provides me with both comfort and heartache. Comfort to know that I am not alone in this struggle, yet sadness that so many are desperately longing and pleading for the chance to bring life into this world.

I was in my daze when I heard the following from said receptionist "Congratulations!" A young woman approached the front desk with a huge silly grin plastered across her face. "Thank you, we are so excited" she replied. She is pregnant. At that moment I literally wanted to run up and throw my arms around her neck in celebration. I wanted her to know that despite not being there myself, I am genuinely happy for her. I wanted her to know that God has a wonderful plan for her life and the precious new life inside of her. I wanted to ask her a million questions (how long has she been trying, how many cycles did it take, what all did she try, etc). But I didn't. I didn't at the risk of looking like a crazy person. I mean come on, I don't even know this girl. But in that moment I didn't care. I just wanted to celebrate with her & share in her joy. So (instead of looking like a crazy person) I looked straight at her, smiled a bigger than average smile, whispered "congrats" and prayed for her & her future family. While I do not know her personally I know that she deserves this chance. The chance to be a great mother. The chance to share the Lord with her child (I hope). The chance to start a legacy. My heart remains full of joy for this mystery woman; Hours have passed and I am still smiling.

James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created."

(my)Recovery 101

2011-06-21T09:24:00.001-05:00

"What was most helpful to you when you first started in recovery?"

"What tips can you give someone who is just starting to recover from an ED?"

These are two questions I am asked often once someone learns of my history with anorexia, especially when they know someone who is also struggling.

While I could easily create a long list to answer these questions I want to share my top 5 most helpful recovery tips. I can thank my therapist for most of these...

(my) Recovery 101... Top 5

Name your ED: When my therapist told me this one I wanted to laugh in her face. Give my anorexia a name. Hmmmm can you say weirdo??? Well I decided I had nothing to loose and so I went for it. Instead of giving the disease a traditional name like Norma or Gene I just named it ED (which is why I always refer to it as this on the blog). So anytime that I struggled mentally I could stop and say quite firmly "This is ED talking to me right now and she is not my friend," or "ED I am not listening to you any longer!!" or "ED you totally suck." I could go on and on but I think you get the idea. I will say I got a few really strange looks standing in the aisle of the grocery store when having a conversation with myself over purchasing the skim milk vs. the 2%... but hey... the point is I walked away that day with the 2%. Take that ED.
Fake it Till You Make it: Ok I know what you are thinking, this sure sounds a little cliche. Well it is but honestly this was HUGE for me at the beginning. When I first started in recovery I did not want to be in recovery. I knew I needed to make serious changes but I did not want to make these changes. At. All. Even though I was the one initiating recovery I had a BAD attitude. Weird right? Well maybe not so much. Think about it...If I were to wait until I felt ready to act, ready to make a change, ready to gain weight, etc it would have NEVER happened. I had to just bite the bullet, take that first step, and force myself to ACT. What I found is that eventually, over time, my actions were followed by genuine feelings. After a few weeks of making a particular change I found that this change became my new normal. This change felt right, good, and essential for my improved well being. And once one change became my new normal, it was that much easier to just ACT on another change that needed to happen. And so continued a very healthy cycle.
Give yourself time to pursue God: During the darkest time of my ED I basically shut God out of my life. Closed the door on Him & locked the key. So when it came time for recovery, naturally, I was MAD at Him, mad that He allowed me to get so deep in the disease and mad that I now had to face my fears and take action. I did not want to talk to Him about my recovery. I did not want to pray for guidance, read scripture for comfort, or try to listen to His voice. Sounds awful but this is just where I was at the beginning. And you know what. . . I really think God understood. He knew I was not ready to embrace Him. He was right there, waiting, just as he was for the two years where I chose to befriend ED over Him. What I found is that once those changes (that I spoke about in #2) became easier and my new normal changed, I found myself slowly longing to renew my relationship with the Lord. Give yourself time & don't expect that once you decide to recover you will feel all warm and fuzzy with the Lord. This might happen for some people and if so more power to ya, but it was not the case for me.
Beautify yourself: Sounds ironic that I would add a tip like this to those trying to recover from a disease that focuses on outward appearance. But hear me out. When I started gaining my weight back I had to do little things that made me feel beautiful on a daily basis (non weight related). I got a fresh haircut, got a manicure and/or pedicure on a (more) regular basis, bought a new great smelling body lotion, and spent time each day getting dressed, putting make up on, etc. If I felt "put together" on a daily basis I was more likely to continue making the recovery changes needed. I noticed a direct correlation on the days that I allowed myself to sit around in my frumpy Pj's vs. the days I got up and got ready. I was a lot more likely to eat that scary high calorie meal on the days that I felt "beautiful" than on the days that I did not.
List physical and psychological benefits of life without ED: During one of my early therapy sessions my therapist challenged me create a list of both physical & psychological benefits of my life without ED and bring these to her at our next session. I taped both lists on my bathroom mirror where I knew I would see them everyday and could repeat these things to myself over and over and over. This tip was HUGE for me. It made me realize just how much ED had stole from my life & gave me a daily focus of all I could gain back if I continued to pursue recovery. (I hope to create a post soon where I share both of these lists).

These tips are specific to my ED recovery, although I do believe they can overlap to most any struggle in life. What do you think? Can these Top 5 be applied to your life?
What are your Top 5? Make it a great day!

Three hours later and . .

2011-06-18T19:21:00.001-05:00

the Fertility Journey page (link on right side of blog) is officially updated! You might need an intermission to rest your eyes, get some popcorn & a soda, and/or take a restroom break before you are able to finish reading the page in its entirety.
Happy reading!

Have you (or someone who you know) struggled to conceive? If so, did you/they pursue fertility treatments? I would love to hear about your journey. And let's not forget . . .

"FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU DECLARES THE LORD. PLANS TO PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU. PLANS TO GIVE YOU A HOPE AND A FUTURE."

Jeremiah 29:11