It has been a little over three weeks since we met you and also said goodbye. I wish more than anything we could have had more time together, but I know you are now dancing around in heaven, having a blast, and are truly living out your purpose. I am so thankful you are safe and joyful and that you won't ever have to experience any of life's frustrations and sorrows. But goodness, I sure miss you. I miss you more than anything. I now have a little hole in my heart that I know, by God's grace and goodness, will heal in time, yet my heart won't ever quite be the same.
I feel blessed that we had five hours together. When I first saw you I felt a complete peace. Sadness, most definitely, but also this indescribable peace. There was just something about your face and features that read, peace. Your daddy and I would look at you, then look at each other, then look at you again and just repeat "he is so, so perfect."
You are named after my biological mom, your biological grandma, who you are now hanging out with on the streets of heaven. She has probably told you by now, but her maiden name was "Chance," thus that is how we picked your name. It just seemed to fit. The moment of your birth, when the Dr. told us you were a boy, we just knew it was the perfect name. I have so much peace and joy knowing that you and your grandma are together, living life to the fullest, along with so many others. Anytime I speak your name here on earth I have this vision of the two of you together.
I am still very sad, but it is just because I am your mommy and selfishly I just wish you were here doing life with all of us - with me, daddy, and your sisters. We have been so blessed by family and friends who are helping us keep your memory alive. We have a tree out in the backyard that we call "Chance's tree" and it has the cutest blue birdhouse hanging from the branches, the most amazing photo book of your birth and funeral service, two necklaces (given to mommy by two special friends), a journal, a keychain, a poem that was framed and will soon go on our wall, and so much more. We plan to visit your gravesite often (I have gone back several times already) and when your sisters are bigger and can understand, we will plan special family trips there on your birthday.
So many people think of you often and are also holding you close. It brings us so much comfort knowing that you live on in so many people's hearts and minds. I get messages all the time of people stating "I think of Chance often," or "I am thinking about Chance today!" You have a village of people on earth that think you are pretty special.
I love you sweet boy. More than you will ever know. I don't understand why God needed to take you to heaven first, but I just keep trusting that one day it will all make sense. I cannot wait for the day we are together again. Your passing has brought intense new meaning to the phrase "long for heaven." That longing is so very real now. God is using your little life to make a big impact on so many. And while my heart is still hurting, I am eager to see how God continues to use your life and story to further His kingdom.
Romans 8:26 ". . . the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."
Psalm 56:8 "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all of my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."
Psalm 34: 15-20 "The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry. . . When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken."